Wednesday, 29 June 2016

(SATIRE) “Everybody is stupid” claims Sargon of Akkad

Sargon of Akkad, the self-styled Semitic Emperor of the Akkadain Empire, turned moderately-successful YouTuber, has abandoned informed and rational debate in favour of calling everybody an idiot.

Adopting an exasperated rhetorical style of inquiry that is favoured by the parents of five year old children, the usurper to the throne of King Ur-Zababa of Kish asked his critics: “Are you all stupid?”

Sargon demanded that I tell him whether I was 'fucking stupid', indicating his belief that I have ascended to a higher tier of stupidity than is normal,” said Brenda O'Neill, whose speculation on whether the Brexit has set the United Kingdom on a downward course of diminishing wealth and international influence, earned herself the ire of the hipster-bearded captor of the Sumerian King, Lugal-zage-si.

Architect, Tim Otter, was singled out as a “total moron” by the agitated despoiler of the city of Kazalla, after quoting from Lincoln's “A house divided...” speech in his Twitter feed, in a manner that was dismissive of the 'leave' campaign in the EU referendum.

Having prefaced his counter-argument with some personal insults concerning my perceived low level of intelligence, Sargon made some very vague and uninformed comments about putting up supporting walls. It was not clear to me whether he was describing a metaphorical house, or an actual house that he is in the process of building. As a precaution I advise that you do not employ this man to design your home, as it is likely to fall down.”

Responding to Otter, Sargon, the self-anointed priest of the sky father Anu, said: “At least I will be sovereign master over my own mound of British rubble.”

German professor of German, Kyle Youngstedt, has been following Sargon at the 100 metre distance specified in his restraining order (German rationalism has been proven to have a maximum range of 80 metres, even when the wind is favourable). He told MODE 5:

Just as our treacherous bodies willingly take in carbon monoxide that prevents our blood from absorbing oxygen, so too does our burgeoning hubris reduce our capacity for common sense and good judgement. Sargon's decline began with a sexual slur against a pubic figure that was, in a way, reminiscent of the kind of drunken face-saving one does in the company of friends at the pub, after being shut down by an attractive woman.

He may have hoped that the attention this poor choice of words garnered him on social media would broaden his appeal beyond YouTube. In reality all that he did was alienate people outside of his immediate circle who might have previously listened to him, but who have now dismissed him as a crank and have closed the door.

Here we see a man who, by virtue of his own enhanced twattery in front of his mates, has somehow managed to lock himself inside his own home.”

Self-confessed Sargon fan and resident of Stevenage, Kevin Davey, said:

Sargon is a master tactician who plans to increase his popularity further by securing an appearance as a guest on his own rolling YouTube compilation show 'A Week In Stupid,' which is a bit like 'Gogglebox' crossed with 'You've Been Framed'. The channel has a lot of viewers so being featured on it, and subjected to his own world-weary diatribe, is bound to increase his profile.”

Lapsed Sargon supporter and ardent Steely Dan fanatic, Dr Colin Wu, took a more pessimistic view:

For years Sargon has been harvesting salt. It is my considered medical opinion that his long term exposure to it has turned his once superfine mind to corned beef.”

Commenting on his critics, the Mesopotamian despot, whose latter reign was devoted to brutally quashing the rebellious uprisings of kingdoms who had fallen under his undemocratic, iron-fisted rule, said:

I wouldn't rape any of you.” 

Thursday, 23 June 2016

(SATIRE) Zoe Quinn: 'Famous Five' author, Enid Blyton, was a GamerGater

Enid Blyton, the author of the popular 'Famous Five' books, has been exposed as a god-tier shitlord and an avid supporter of the terrorist hate group, GamerGate.

The disturbing claims were made by Zoe Quinn, the teal-haired originator of victimbux – a hyper-inflated virtual currency that has been described by economists as “what might theoretically happen if bitcoin got blind drunk one night and impregnated the Zimbabwean dollar.”

Quinn was spotted yesterday, raving on her Twitter account:

What the fuck did I ever do to you, Blyton, that y'all had to make my suffering into a fucking joke.”

She added that she was tired of being trolled by long-dead celebrity figures from the past who could not be dog-piled by her supporters and hounded off social media.

Blyton, who died in 1968, penned 21 novels in her Famous Five series that followed the bucolic escapades of Julian, Dick, Anne, Georgina, and their dog, Timmy, as they romped across rural England having jolly adventures, foiling the attempts of smugglers to bypass import duty, and picnicking in peach orchards on lashings of hard-boiled eggs and jugs of lemonade.

However, the seemingly innocent books have drawn criticism from those who claim that the title of the series is a blatant reference to Quinn's sexual infidelities with five men, some of whom worked in the videogaming industry and who are alleged to have given her Depression Quest text adventure favourable coverage as a result.

This is in unbelievably poor taste. Blyton obviously had friends living in 2014 who told her about GamerGate. The Famous Five books are a running joke at the expense of Zoe Quinn,” said part-time scarecrow, Brianna Wu.

Others attempted to match the members of the Famous Five with their real-life counterparts:

Clearly Nathan Grayson is Timmy the dog. I suppose Kyle Pulver could be Anne because he kind of looks like he has a vagina. After that it's anybody's guess,” mused based college student Marc Berson.

Miles White, a practising celebrity stalker who works as a Professor of Taylor Swift Studies at the University of Missouri, counselled sympathy for the embattled Quinn:

Zoe made a terrible mistake five times in succession, before attempting to silence her innocent boyfriend using laws that were designed to project the victims of violence from their tormentors. However we must remember that, at the heart of this, there is a troubled young woman for whom the mere exposure to the number five triggers gruesome flashbacks to the sight of Nathan Grayson, naked apart from a satin waistcoat and a steam punk pocket watch. We must remember that, in some nightmare parallel universe, Zoe Quinn could be our daughter.”

Among the cultural phenomenon, that have been cited by Quinn as forming part of a cruel GamerGate in-joke, are:

- The American pop group – The Jackson Five

- The stage musical - Five Guys Named Moe

- The instrumental jazz number - Take Five

- The American teen drama – Party of Five

- The final instalment in Peter Jackson's Hobbit trilogy - The Battle of Five Armies.

Sprawling human tumour, turned online critic, Movie Bob, said:

If Peter Jackson had handled his shit properly and reduced the number of armies in the film by one, then Zoe Quinn would not have been triggered and the Hobbit trilogy would have been an hour shorter. Only when all references to the number five are removed from our cultural entertainment, and from our maths and science books, will Zoe be able to safely return to the home that she fled from in 2014.”

At the time of going to press the book publisher, Swirly Wren, had announced plans to release a further installment in Blyton's cherished saga, titled: The Famous Five Attend A Mandatory Sexual Consent Class At The University Of York.