McIntosh doesn't want to take away your Christmas presents

TRIGGER WARNING: This unintended work of satire was created during a prolonged typing accident when my fingertips repeatedly slipped on a greasy keyboard. Anyone wishing to comment should do so in reverse order of privilege. This is a safe space so no queue-jumping please.

~

Social justice avenger, Joshua McIntosh, doesn't want to take away your Christmas presents. He just wants to replace them with better ones.

Speaking from a red leatherette-clad booth in the San Francisco-based 'Progressive Stack Pancake House' (where the burned and misshapen pancakes are eaten first) the blandly-featured poster-boy for the social justice movement said:

“Every year Santa Claus emerges from his Arctic bolt-hole and embarks upon a one day global campaign that strikes at the heart of social justice, handing out gifts to children that legitimise the concepts of misogyny and intolerance.

“Even his favoured mode of delivery, entering homes via a tight, sooty chimney before jamming as many presents as possible into a stocking, is a thinly-veiled gang rape metaphor.

Well, not tonight. Not on my watch.”

Clenching his jaw, McInotsh added darkly:

“It ends here.”

McIntosh, who gained his undisclosed super powers following accidental exposure to a massive dose of white liberal guilt, recently changed his name to Joshua to disguise his true identity.

He continued:

“Santa can instinctively tell whether a child has been naughty or nice. Yet he is more than happy to deliver presents that are likely to encourage naughtiness in children. Wouldn't it be better for everyone if we simply removed this choice between being good or bad?”

“Tonight I shall follow closely in Santa's footsteps and remove any unsuitable gifts that he leaves behind. Any present that I decide is inappropriate will be replaced by a Social Justice Clementine – a small, juicy orange bearing a positive message such as 'Check your privilege twice. Don't be naughty, just be nice,' written on the peel in black permanent marker.

“Recipients of Social Justice Clementines should note that the toxic chemicals from the marker pen do tend to seep through the porous peel, rendering the fruit inedible. Do not eat them. Instead hang them up in a safe space and contemplate their universal message of tolerance.”

Asked whether there were sufficient Social Justice Clementines to meet with the expected high demand, McIntosh replied:

“We held a Kickstarter earlier in the year and raised in excess of $160,000 to support production. However, even working flat out since March, so far, we have only been able to produce two Social Justice Clementines. It remains a possibility that some children may have to go without a Christmas present this year.”

Asked whether he thought breaking into homes and looting Christmas presents might been regarded by some as unethical, McIntosh responded that he saw no moral dilemma, adding that he would be wearing special glasses that blurred out the faces of sleeping children.

A spokesperson for the McIntosh Foundation - a non-profit charitable division of McIntosh Enterprises – said:

“Regardless of what that coin-tossing, two-faced lawyer, Mike Cernovich, may believe, Joshua isn't going to take your Christmas presents away. All he is doing is replacing them with something of equal, if not greater, value: the gift of social justice, which is a gift to the whole world.

“We checked the law books and legally your Christmas presents aren't yours until you check the box on the gift tag stating that you have understood the mutable, unspoken terms and conditions attached to each item.”

Krampus - a malevolent goat-like demon from European folklore, who identifies himself as an anti-Christmas activist and occasional eater of children, said:

“While I may be a monster, Joshua McIntosh is quite obviously and objectively a massive terminal douche. When I stuff wicked children into my sack on Christmas Eve, I at least have the decency to make sure they have a portable games console to keep them entertained during the long journey back to hell.”

14 year old, self-identified gamer, Bradley ' the dude' Castle, from Norfolk, said: “If McIntosh thinks he can replace my new PS4 with a clementine he's got another thing coming. I'll be waiting in the front room with a pillowcase full of oranges. Let's see how that plays out you fucking dick.”

Castle added:

“Merry Christmas to all you mother fuckers. Except for my maths teacher, Mr Rowley. He can go fuck himself.”

Outrage from Brianna Wu as videogames company employing Brianna Wu wins the Brianna Wu Award for Diversity in Videogames

Trigger Warning: The following is a work of satire and should be believed by no one.



A boutique videogames company with one employee has won the coveted Brianna Wu Award for Diversity in Videogames. Collecting the prize from the award ceremony host - Brianna Wu, the winner - Brianna Wu told a shocked an audience composed of Brianna Wu, Brianna Wu, and Brianna Wu that this was a dark day for diversity in videogames:

“Whether taking offence at a randomly drawn selection of Scrabble tiles or shouting down a bot account on twitter, Brianna Wu is everywhere at once, loudly pushing her way to the front and drowning out the voices of more softly-spoken minorities. Is this the diversity that people like Brianna Wu fought so hard for?”

Brianna Wu's clarion call for diversity has resonated strongly beyond the traditional gaming media: Speaking from the attic of The Guardian newspaper, while clad in a yellowing wedding dress, with one shoe balanced precariously on her head, Chief of Technology, Jessica Havisham, said:

“Brianna Wu called called me this morning and told me that I should be outraged so naturally I am outraged. Now, what are we talking about?”

Havisham added: “Kill all men. Fuck Journalism.”

Organisers of the award have been quick to respond to Brianna Wu's outburst. Brianna Wu - Head of Events at the Brianna Wu Foundation for Diversity said: “We contacted Brianna Wu prior to the ceremony to let her know that she had won and she seemed fine with it. We don't understand her objections.”

One judge who asked to remain anonymous said:

“I sat on a panel of distinguished figures from the videogames industry – luminaries such as Brianna Wu, Brianna Wu, Brianna Wu, Brianna Wu, and Brianna Wu. We deliberated long into the night. At one point there was a three-way deadlock between Brianna Wu, Brianna Wu and Brianna Wu, however I think that, in hindsight, we made the right decision and picked a deserving winner.”

The news comes as several thousand users of the social media platform Twitter had their accounts suspended on the grounds of harassment after they wrote the name 'Brianna Wu' in messages that were posted on the site.

Former handwriting analyst condemns the role of vowels in violence against women

(Trigger warning: The following work of satirical fiction may contain traces of nuts)

Jonathan McIntosh and Anita Sarkeesian - the Sonny and Cher of the social justice fund-raising movement - were allegedly horrified after they discovered traces of violence in their own names!

Sarkeesian – a former crime-fighting, hand-writing analyst who has worked alongside amateur sleuths such as Father Dowling, Jessica Fletcher, Dr Mark Sloan, and Quincy M.E. - made the discovery during a routine practice autograph-signing session.

A friend of the couple said: “Jon and Anita were both horrified and extremely upset when they discovered that their own names contained letters commonly found in the word 'violence'. You never expect to encounter this level of aggression so close to home. The people who have, in effect, been assaulting them by repeating their names on social media should be banned from these sites immediately.”

Guardian journalist, Eunice Fairweather, who runs the social justice think tank - Emancus – said:

“It is very disturbing that three of the five vowels in the western alphabet are active participants in violence. As a former handwriting analyst Anita knows only too well the power that letters can have in influencing our behaviour. By way of example, this morning I wrote a very one-sided article about alligators. Now I can't stop thinking about alligators and what total utter bastards they are.”

The couple are understood to have spent the last three days at a remote retreat in Big Sur, California, where their names are being purged of any traces of violence. Henceforth Jonathan McIntosh will be known as 'Jatha Mtsh' while Anita Sarkeesian will go by the name 'Ata Sarksa'.

A blue-haired spokesperson for the couple said:

“Jatha and Ata need a safe space where they can adjust to their new circumstances and slowly rebuild their shattered lives. We ask the media to respect their privacy at this difficult time. We urge supporters to donate generously to their Patreon accounts.”

STOP PRESS!

An attempt by Jonathan McIntosh and Anita Sarkeesian to change their names has been blocked after their new identities were found to belong to background characters from the film Return of the Jedi.

A press statement read out on behalf of the couple said:

“Our understanding is that Ata Sarksa is the name of a hand-puppet who appeared in some of the Jabba's palace scenes. Jatha is a CGI creation who did not appear in the original theatrical run of the film but was added to one of the later special editions. Unfortunately both names are trademarked.”

The couple have launched a Kickstarter that they hope will fund the creation of a new alphabet. According to a summary of the project on the site the social justice alphabet will be eight characters long and will “eliminate all problematic words and banish harassment from written and spoken language by phrasing all conversation in the form of unarguable statements.”

STOP PRESS AGAIN! (Oh, for fuck's sake, what now? - ED)

Retail conglomerate, Target, have become the first business to adopt a zero-tolerance stance on violence by removing any letters associated with the word from their brand-name:

A spokesperson for the company said:

“Target will cement its well-deserved reputation as an ethical business by re-branding itself as 'Targt' just as soon we acquire the rights. We are engaged in negotiations with the business currently trading under this name, which we understand is a Russian military surplus wholesaler specialising in former soviet tanks.”

STOP PRESS YET AGAIN! (Right, that's it Timothy, I'm coming down there. - ED)

Colour-changing attention sponge, Zoe Quinn, has become the latest in a parade of e-celebs to crawl up onto dry land, denounce the environment as inhospitable to sub-aquatic multicellular organisms, and then shed any vowels and consonants associated with the word 'violence' from their name;

Reception to the move has been muted in social justice circles:

“I worry that with a name like Z Qu she could be mistaken for a rapper and therefore associated with a genre of music that has a long history of misogyny,” said 14 year old Claire Bell from Barnstaple

Mildly amused scientists momentarily paused an experiment where they were attempting to convince a large population of white mice to stop fucking each other, to warn 'Z' that, were she to shed any further letters from her name, she risked being classified as an element and incorporated into the periodic table between Copernicium (Cn) and Ununtrium (Uut).

When Mode Five approached Z for comment she jettisoned a cloud of ink, ordinarily used to defend herself against attacks from sealions, and changed her hair colour to blend in with the wall of a nearby Patreon-funded hotel room.