Enid
Blyton, the author of the popular 'Famous Five' books, has been
exposed as a god-tier shitlord and an avid supporter of the terrorist
hate group, GamerGate.
The
disturbing claims were made by Zoe Quinn, the teal-haired originator
of victimbux – a hyper-inflated virtual currency that has been
described by economists as “what might theoretically happen if
bitcoin got blind drunk one night and impregnated the Zimbabwean
dollar.”
Quinn
was spotted yesterday, raving on her Twitter account:
“What
the fuck did I ever do to you, Blyton, that y'all had to make my
suffering into a fucking joke.”
She
added that she was tired of being trolled by long-dead celebrity
figures from the past who could not be dog-piled by her supporters
and hounded off social media.
Blyton,
who died in 1968, penned 21 novels in her Famous Five series that
followed the bucolic escapades of Julian, Dick, Anne, Georgina, and
their dog, Timmy, as they romped
across rural England having jolly adventures, foiling the attempts of
smugglers to bypass import duty, and picnicking in peach orchards on
lashings of hard-boiled eggs and jugs of lemonade.
However,
the seemingly innocent books have drawn criticism from those who
claim that the title of the series is a blatant reference to Quinn's
sexual infidelities with five men, some of whom worked in the
videogaming industry and who are alleged to have given her Depression
Quest text adventure favourable coverage as a result.
“This
is in unbelievably poor taste. Blyton obviously had friends living in
2014 who told her about GamerGate. The Famous Five books are a
running joke at the expense of Zoe Quinn,” said part-time
scarecrow, Brianna Wu.
Others
attempted to match the members of the Famous Five with their
real-life counterparts:
“Clearly
Nathan Grayson is Timmy the dog. I suppose Kyle Pulver could be Anne
because he kind of looks like he has a vagina. After that it's
anybody's guess,” mused based college student Marc Berson.
Miles
White, a practising celebrity stalker who works as a Professor of
Taylor Swift Studies at the University of Missouri, counselled
sympathy for the embattled Quinn:
“Zoe
made a terrible mistake five times in succession, before attempting
to silence her innocent boyfriend using laws that were designed to
project the victims of violence from their tormentors. However we
must remember that, at the heart of this, there is a troubled young
woman for whom the mere exposure to the number five triggers gruesome
flashbacks to the sight of Nathan Grayson, naked apart from a satin
waistcoat and a steam punk pocket watch. We must remember that, in
some nightmare parallel universe, Zoe Quinn could be our daughter.”
Among
the cultural phenomenon, that have been cited by Quinn as forming
part of a cruel GamerGate in-joke, are:
-
The American pop group – The Jackson Five
-
The stage musical - Five Guys Named Moe
-
The instrumental jazz number - Take Five
-
The American teen drama – Party of Five
-
The final instalment in Peter Jackson's Hobbit trilogy - The Battle
of Five Armies.
Sprawling
human tumour, turned online critic, Movie Bob, said:
“If
Peter Jackson had handled his shit properly and reduced the number of
armies in the film by one, then Zoe Quinn would not have been
triggered and the Hobbit trilogy would have been an hour shorter.
Only when all references to the number five are removed from our
cultural entertainment, and from our maths and science books, will
Zoe be able to safely return to the home that she fled from in 2014.”
At
the time of going to press the book publisher, Swirly Wren, had
announced plans to release a further installment in
Blyton's cherished saga, titled: The Famous Five Attend A
Mandatory Sexual Consent Class At The University Of York.
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