~
It's
a sunny morning in Santa Clara, CA. Overnight the grounds of our
hotel have been over-run by pelicans. MODE 5
counts 81. A large number are engaged in an impromptu, but vigorously
contested, hacky sack tournament. A gardener watering a raised flower
bed outside the reception informs us that the birds are employees of
the Microsoft Corporation:
“They come here roughly
once a month on business, and to attend the team building seminars at
the Marie Stein Foundation. They're big fish eaters. Good tippers
too.”
MODE 5 has been summoned
to the cutting edge 'Techquarters' of the Intel Corporation - a
pseudo-sentient building installed with an environmental operating
system so advanced even Stephen Hawking can't work out how to open
the windows. On the taxi ride over, my driver tells me that MIT
professors believe a practical solution to the ventilation problem
may only become available after somebody solves
the Hadamard Conjecture. In the meantime negotiations are under-way
between Intel senior management and the building's air-conditioning
units, of which there are over 2000, each controlled by its own A.I.
Recently the air conditioners have divided themselves into three
factions and are presently engaged in a bitter, religiously-motivated climate war. Upon arrival on the Intel campus I am advised not to
take off my coat, or accept any propaganda leaflets that are blown in
my direction.
In the chilly, 2000-person
capacity 'Feels Auditorium'®
(named after Benjamin Feels, the co-founder of the Emo®
movement) the Head of Development Team Development, Brian Wick®
is navigating a labyrinthine stage set, built to resemble the
scaled-up architecture of the company's latest T-class®
Icosacore Processor®.
Ten minutes later, and with a waiting audience of boorish technology
journalists – among them The Guardian's
Jessica 'shoe on head' Havisham
- growing increasingly restless, he at last
locates the exit of the innovation maze®.
Taking the small piece of cheese offered to him as a reward by a pair
of cognitive behavioural therapists dressed in lab coats, Wicks
ascends a short flight of steps to the podium. His breath condenses
into a white fog as he addresses the small crowd:
“On the 25th
December, 2014, Intel launched its latest T-class Icosacore Processor
with the advertising slogan 'A processor so advanced it will empty your bank accounts, then fuck
your life partner hard from behind, ten times faster than its closest rival.'
“This marketing strategy
has drawn heavy criticism on Twitter which, according to our Head of
PR, is worse than being reprimanded by God.
“We understand the
misdirected anger our actions have elicited. In hindsight it was a
mistake to place so much emphasis on the T-class's boundless libido
and casual attitude towards obtaining and fecklessly spending other
people's money. I am here today to state categorically that the
T-class Icosacore Processor will not engage in sexual intercourse
your significant other, nor will it attempt to rob you. Functioning
genitalia and the insatiable desire to acquire money by any means
necessary have been removed from the commercially available version of
the processor, although the original spec will still be optional for some
governments and large corporations.
“In an attempt to regain
the trust and goodwill of our customers, Intel is pleased to announce
the foundation of a £300 million diversity project headed-up by
someone who knows a thing or two about this issue.
“I present to you the
newest addition to the friendly family of American patriots we like
to call 'the Intels'. Lady's and Gentlemen, please welcome Anita
Sarkeesian®.”
A prim, unsmiling woman,
dressed in a plaid shirt emerges from the wings to scattered applause
and robotically takes up position beside the podium. Wicks pauses for
a second while the audience settles, before continuing:
“Unfortunately the
servomotors powering Anita's lower jaw are currently offline.
She will be unable to smile or answer any of your questions...”
~
A few hours later MODE 5
finds itself handcuffed to Intel's Deputy Media Containment Officer,
Harriet Garnes, who takes us on a whistle-stop tour of the
Intelsphere. This turns out to be a 12-storey hexagonal block. The
original spherical building broke free from its foundations in 2010
and rolled down the hill devastating the neighbouring Native American
settlement of Wuquinn Butts (English translation: Shimmering
turquoise river of the eternally butt hurt warrior buffalo).
“Anita swept through
here like the 2004 tsunami cleansing our work engagement habitat of
anything that she found problematic...” Garnes enthuses.
“...At one point we
weren't sure whether she was pointing at a potted plant or Jerry, our
Chief of Online Security and the only person who knows how the
anti-virus software functions. Just to be safe we got rid of both.
Now half of the computers on site redirect to a website streaming
anthems praising the achievements of the North Korean leader - Kim
Jong-un.”
Another employee who
insists that MODE 5 calls him by his office nickname - Bradley Porter
Jnr - says:
“Everyone was blown away
by how Anita has outsourced critical thinking to a third party.
While we were all wasting time formulating ideas and concepts into
sentences she was reading them off cue cards held up by her PA - I
can't recall that guy's name – Josh, I think, or maybe Jamie.”
After a buffet lunch of what are later revealed to be pelican sandwiches (“There always seem to be loads on
campus so we thought we'd eat them” one of the in-house catering
staff tells me) we hook up with Kyle Carsey – Director of Human
Resources. Carney turns out to be as excited as the rest of the team
at the prospect of Anita's appointment. He offers us a moon cup of
Kool Aid from one of the 100 gallon drums that are situated at the
centre of every work area. We politely decline.
“We knew Anita had good
contacts in the tech and gaming socio-spheres as she often posted the
personal details of these individuals online. We felt that somebody
with her breadth of experience could only be an asset to Intel and we
intend to make full use of her talents,” he gushes.
MODE 5: “Anita has
become adept at concealing her abilities, or maybe we haven't been
paying close enough attention. Can you briefly outline what they
are?”
“Sure. The insights
Anita gained while working alongside a registered pick-up artist will
certainly come into play as we develop the dating algorithms that
will form the bedrock of the Intel employee breeding program. Her
previous career as a handwriting analyst will aid us in the
development of the image recognition software we are creating to
track down escapees from the afore-mentioned breeding program.
“And it doesn't end
there: Anita's 'shut up, listen and believe' management credo,
coupled with her zero tolerance approach to any form of debate, has
already increased efficiency, shortening the length of meetings by up
to 97%.
“Her knowledges of
Japanese history, her cultural sensitivity and her soft touch
diplomacy are sure to bolster our reputation is the far east.
“By writing off the
entire male gender as the collective bearer of an invisible, socially
corrosive malaise eating away at the foundations of human
civilization, she has elegantly streamlined our diversity program
by instantly dismissing around half of the global population.
I would say that the thing
I like most about Anita is her professional attitude and, in particular, the way she
puts to one side any personal reservations she has about her work in
order to get the job done. She says that she doesn't relish the
prospect of stereotyping an entire group of people, but for the
greater good of diversity she'll damn well do it.”
During Carsey's monologue,
MODE 5 has become aware of Maurice Moaner, Intel's Head of Financial Numeracy, hovering in our eye-line waiting for a lull in the
conversation. Sensing an opportunity he now steps forward. MODE 5's
attempt to shake his right hand is inadvertently thwarted by Harriet Garnes, to
whom we are still securely shackled:
“Anita has a proven
track record of raising venture capital that significantly exceeds
the initial amount requested..." he says.
"Combine this with her ability to take
very large sums of money and then invest them in an inferior,
incomplete product that looks like it was made for a few dollars,
and is released way behind schedule, while, at the same time, maintaining the goodwill of her
investors, and you have a paradigm-changing business model. We
predict that by embracing Sarkeesian economic theory, Intel can
probably get away with issuing one new processor every two decades.
I can promise you now that when that processor eventually appears on the market it will be a
sub-standard design that will bring nothing but ruin and misery upon
all who purchase it.”
As MODE 5 prepares to
depart the Intel campus we spy Anita and her PA – Jonah? leaving
the Intelsphere via a fire exit, trailing long sections of buckled
copper wiring and attached plasterboard behind them.
As we await the arrival of a solar-powered taxi, their battered pick-up truck draws up
alongside. Jason? - the PA - leans out through the driver window and
asks MODE 5 if we know a place where they serve cocktails in jam
jars.
We plead ignorance and
they pull away. As the truck slows on the approach to a gentle
downhill bend the brake lights briefly illuminate a 'Fuck
the patriarchy' bumper sticker.
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