~
Not since Captain Scott
found himself locked in a fierce contest with the Norwegian
'icetronaut' - Captain Roald Amundsen - in a race to be first to the
South Pole, has the world been so gripped by the outcome of a contest
for dominance between two mighty warrior kings of our age.
On one side, the fantasy
novelist - George 'winter is coming... eventually' Martin – moves
with slow but deliberate purpose towards finishing the two remaining
books in his A Song of Ice and Fire saga, which he began
writing in 1809, a year after the invention of wolves.
His opponent in the race
to get shit done is the upstart peddler of e-welfare – Patreon: an
online service that, in the past, has allowed impoverished hipsters
to whine their way to a kind of haphazard financial solvency. Patreon
is now clawing a path towards respectability by implementing a long
awaited code of conduct for its users; one that will close off the
possibility of the service being used as a spawning point for
fiendish acts of high bastardry.
At the time of writing,
people who claim to be experts on this kind of thing have judged both
parties to be neck and neck in a race to the finish.
Youtube blogger Cassie
Amos said:
“George 'all special
snowflakes are doomed to die' Martin recently translated the first
novel in A Song of Ice and Fire into the language of wolves.
Last week he posted a new chapter from book six in the saga – The
Fretful Winds of Summersby Place – written from the point of
view of Tyrion Lannister's glove as it describes another glove
belonging to Daenerys Targaryen. At the end of the chapter one of the
gloves is thrown into a fire, while the other is carried away by a
crow and dropped in the sea. I will definitely be attending PAX this
year dressed as a sexy glove.”
Despite the recent burst
of progress from Martin, Patreon remain confident that they will
emerge as victor in the race to finish what they started: A
spokesperson for the company said:
“Our new code of ethical
practice for users is currently at the calibration stage. We are
currently attempting to fine-tune all the variables by applying them
to one of our most disadvantaged users, in this instance a profoundly
disabled man with brittle bone disease. In the interests of accuracy
we are also running a control group where over-privileged users, who
have very little to complain about, will be carry will allowed to
carry on acting like total arseholes with complete impunity. Only
by subjecting our new code of practice to these two extremes can we
develop a set of rules that gathers together all our users beneath
the rainbow of equality.
“To ensure that our new
rules are implemented with complete impartiality, Patreon will turn
over the day to day application of our ethics strategy to a pseudo
A.I. This has been coded using the exciting new 'And N' programming
language, designed by Nathan Grayson by accident during his slapstick
attempt to insult the journalist lothario - Milo Yiannopoulos - on the
internet.”
The spokesperson added:
“Winter is coming but
ethics are coming first. Ride the ethics wave in the year 2093AD*”
Freelance Games
Journalist, Lyle Havers, who claims to have a lover in every AAA
Games Development Team from Amsterdam to Port Royale, said:
“The race between George Martin and Patreon is shaping up to be a real tortoise and the hare
situation, only with two tortoises. For some fucking reason one of
the tortoises has three eyes.”
*MODE 5 has been
asked to point out that 2093AD is a provisional date only.
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