According to Clive from
The North Illinois Journal of Land and Property, underground
one-room apartments that fulfil a dual function as communal laundry
rooms, and have shared access to kitchen and bathroom facilities
located elsewhere on the property, are now the hottest tickets in
real estate.
It's a trend that has not
gone unnoticed by boutique social justice realtors such as
'Progressive Shacks' in San Francisco. Manager, Susan Song said:
“For decades the
basement-dwelling demographic has been almost exclusively
morbidly-obese, neck-bearded, white, male virgins who hate women,
despite often renting these rooms from their mothers. As demand for
these properties outstrips available stock, increasing rents are
driving out traditional tenants and forcing them to relocate to
cheaper alternatives such as their brother Chad's old bedroom. Some have
even been left with no option other than to move out altogether.
“In their place we are
seeing seeing a flood of wealthy, socially progressive tenants, who
are re-purposing these subterranean dwellings as salt-water lagoons
where they can enjoy a lethargic, subaquatic lifestyle in a safe
space, free from the predatory attentions of sea lions.”
The conquest of the
patriarchal underlands has sparked victory celebrations among those
who follow the tenets of social justice:
“By forcibly occupying
spaces that were formerly inhabited by the CIS white male elite, and
were previously no-go areas for women and minorities, we have enacted
an unprecedented historic win over the patriarchy. At long last we
have what they had,” said Volunteer Social Justice Warden and
part-time Website Synergy Consultant, Darcy O' Keady.
Pausing to unfold a
creaking Z-bed and draw a flimsy improvised curtain along a length of
washing line, screening off the staircase and a washer/drier from the
sleeping area, O'Keady continued:
“Yet our victory is also
a bitter defeat, for in conquering the traditional homelands of the
CIS white male cultural overlords, the triumphant minorities have
been forced underground, driven out of sight from society while our
oppressors occupy our former above-ground homes and enjoy perks such
as guaranteed privacy, natural light and great views over the bay
area.
“Meanwhile we find
ourselves paying way over the odds for accommodation that is gloomy
and substandard. This is surely a reflection of the unconscious
social bias against minorities that I heard so much about at
college.”
Many in the property
business have advised caution among would-be landlords, describing
the current demand for basement dwellings as a short-lived fad. One
such sceptic is Real Estate Trends Analyst, Martha Brayley:
“We would expect demand
for these properties to peak sooner rather than later. In the
long-term rents are likely to fall back to what they were prior to
the property boom. Once their Patreon funds dry up the blue-haired
trolls who currently occupy these 'artisan cellars' are likely to
find themselves back in their natural habitat, sleeping under
bridges.”
* * *
Latest Social Justice
revolution actually just a slight turn to the right
It was supposed bring
about lasting to social change, but, according to recently released
figures the latest social justice revolution managed only a 60
degrees turn to the right, leaving its organisers with a peripheral
view of what is going on.
One of the revolutionary
leaders who asked to be identified as Batman said:
“Obviously we were
hoping for a paradigm shift of 180 degrees resulting in a complete
cultural about-face and a comprehensive overhaul of societal norms. We did not
account for the actions of our oppressors pushing our revolution
counter-clockwise and stalling our momentum.”
Professor Clarence Potts
of Turnidge College, Cambridge, observed:
“These social justice
tail-chasers are on a downward spiral and seem to spend all their
time going round and round in increasingly tighter and more vicious
circles. Given their experience in this area its amazes me that they
were unable to bring about a revolution. Maybe they just got giddy.”
No comments:
Post a Comment