The trouble started during
a game of Male Video Game Protagonist Bingo when the maverick caller
Josh McIntosh announced that there would be no prizes.
“The moment I stood up
and triumphantly shouted 'Bingo!' at the top of my voice was the one
of the proudest of my life, rivalled only by the birth of my sixth
daughter,” said retired professional ice-skater Sarah 'Queen of
Blades' Kerrigan (77).
“I fully expected to be
ushered onto the stage where a revolving platform would reveal the
bounty I had earned through a deft combination of skill and lightning
reflexes. When the homunculus who had been calling out the numbers
informed me that the prize was my freshly-gained insight into
limiting toxic patterns and that we were all winners I went berserk
and attempted to strangle him. As my friends dragged me away I was
ranting incoherently about Mrs Aran's daughter-in-law who won a BMW
in the national Bingo game last month.”
Witnesses to the fracas
stated that McIntosh had initially attempted to restore order.
Concessions stand worker Bob Burtt said: “Josh attempted to pacify
the baying mob, arguing that by surrendering to their violent
impulses they were falling into the trap of externalising the
aggressive tropes embodied by the cis white male identity. People in
the crowd were throwing chairs and yelling at him to cite precedent
and peer-reviewed sources. Eventually he fled.”
Amelia Croft (93) told
MODE 5 that she relies on Bingo prizes to maintain an acceptable
standard of living after her only daughter was sentenced to 30 years
in a Peruvian jail for plundering sites of archaeological interest
and shooting condors.
“I was incensed,” she
said. “If I wanted to learn more about limiting toxic patterns I
would have taken one of the numerous evening classes or Open
University courses on the subject.”
Other admitted that
McIntosh's behaviour earlier in the game had aroused their
suspicions. Juri Han (54) said: “I could tell that something was
wrong when he began using non-standard Bingo calls such as 'Brianna
Wu, number two'. Mark my words he will pay a high price for his
flagrant disregard of the established tropes of Tuesday Night Bingo.
Just wait until my daughters Bayonetta and Bayonetta Two hear about
this.”
Budding reporter Jason
McFadden who has followed the activities of McIntosh and his
charitable organisation Feminist Frequency, said that he was not
surprised by the new developments:
“Bingo is the latest in
a long list of fun activities to be hijacked by Feminist Frequency
and used as a Trojan horse for their Orwellian programme of social
engineering. If you want an idea of where they will strike next then
write down all the things you really enjoy – chances are it will be
one of those. My money is on roller-coasters, ice-cream or the new
Avengers movie.”
This morning a
spokesperson for Feminist Frequency urged calm:
“We would like to
reassure the people of Great Britain that no one is going to take
away your Bingo. We simply want to eliminate the prize winning
element and drain any vestiges of fun from the experience with a view
to increasing educational content.”
The actions of McIntosh
have caused divisions among the ordinarily cohesive social justice
community. Sarah Applewhite of the San Francisco-based think tank
Selective Analogues said:
“Male Video Game
Protagonist Bingo is clearly an unsuitable edutainment activity for
people who are old enough to recall fighting fascism and therefore
hardened to propaganda. Ideally this game should be deployed in a
classroom setting where it can be used as a learning tool for
children aged five or under, and perhaps disguised as a fun game to
teach numbers.”
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