This gross misrepresentation of what occurred that night
will come as no surprise to those of us whose allegiance to the much
maligned Gamergate movement has forever compromised the likelihood of
us joining allegedly more moderate (according to Twitter) groups such
as ISIS, the KKK, and the 1930s Nazi party.
For the record, nobody painted the sea lion. The purple
and green stripes were a fortuitous natural occurrence – the result
of the stripy, similarly hued crabs that form the bulk of the
animal's diet.
London
Gamergaters forced a sea lion to play Mario Kart
By Ghazi reporter
They had travelled to the
secret location from all over the UK: Angry, overweight,
disenfranchised white men who revel in titles such as “Shitlord”.
Their pock-marked skin bleached to a pale and pasty corpse-like
pallor from cloistered subterranean existences eked-out in sunless
basements. Their fingers stained bright orange with Doritos
seasoning. Their-vice like handshakes honed through a punishing
hourly regime of unfettered wanking. Their voices thin from under
use, or strained from yelling sexually and racially-charged insults
across the unfathomable reaches of the internet during 16 hour Call
of Duty sessions. Some bore crude, home-made tattoos indicating the
number of women they had driven out of videogaming.
On the Northern Line this
reporter encountered a 'gater' who identified himself as “Penislife”.
I nodded and feigned interest as he described to me the recent
adductor extension surgery that allows him to man-spread an
additional eight inches (“Done on the fucking NHS mate, didn't pay
a fucking penny”). He demonstrated the enhanced reach of his new
thigh-span, extending his yawning tracksuit-clad crotch across the
two seats on either side of him, unleashing the potent bouquet of
Lynx Sports Blast. This flagrant display of testicular bulges was so
forthright and unapologetic in its leering masculinity that a number
of passengers seated nearby felt compelled to get up and stand by the
door.
Penislife added:
“I'm the number one
shitlord in the E14 postcode area, mate. I'm number three shitlord in
the whole of London. You write that down. You write that down on your
fucking little note pad.”
The drinking establishment
that played host to the Gamergate contingent had been informed that
they would be hosting a gathering of marine sea life enthusiasts,
with bar staff unaware that they were in fact serving drinks to a
terrorist organisation described on Twitter as being worst than ISIS.
Upon entering, this
reporter was reminded by the organisers to brazenly flaunt his
privilege and to make full use of his male gaze. At a rowdy table in
one corner I witnessed a card game in progress in which the four
queens had been removed from the deck. I was told by one player that
the Queen cards had been holding back the development of poker for
decades and that the introduction of the Queen into chess was the
result of a successful Social Justice conspiracy dating back to the
15th century.
Circulating among the
boorish crowds of impotent, neck-bearded perma-virgins, were a number
of so called 'bitch-gaters', who had been judged subservient and
dressed-up in cheap red wigs in a crude approximation of the
Gamergate mascot, Vivian James. They dispensed pitchers of a salty
cocktail christened Mysogginees, after
the similarly-named Greek island, and blended from ingredients
that are designed to inflame the sex drive while increasing the
physical repellence and obnoxious behaviour of the drinker.
Proceedings opened
formally with the gamergate anthem: A crudely-penned rap so
lamentable in both rhyme and scansion that its performance in public
is categorised as a hate crime under UK law. It opens with the lines:
“We tell the world that
it's all about ethics in gaming
Really its about the
female gamers and developers who we be shaming”.
New recruits to the
movement (described disparagingly as “Piss babies” were lined-up
in front of a PS2. Under the withering sardonic gaze of the
journalist, Milo
Yiannopoulos - a platinum blonde
negative image of Oscar Wilde, his upper lip contorted into a
contemptuous sneer - they were instructed to demonstrate their
commitment to misogyny by repeatedly walking the Tomb Raider heroine,
Lara Croft, off a high ledge, causing her to plummet to her death
with a brief high-pitched scream, that was followed a split second
later by a sickening thud.
The experience proved too
much for one aspiring novice who was roughly led away sobbing. A man
matching his description was found in nearby Camden the following
morning, chained naked to a Boris Bike rack. A Panzer Dragoon
games cartridge for the Sega Saturn that had been crammed between his
buttocks was removed by the fire brigade and later sold on Ebay.
The main entertainment for
the evening was an appearance by the Gamergate sea lion which had
been stored for several hours in a cubicle in the gentlemen's
toilets. The lumbering sea beast, crudely daubed with green and
purple stripes, was led to an inflatable paddling pool in the centre
of the bar area, where it was forced to play the rainbow road level
on Mario Kart. Gamergaters shouted out hoots of derision as the
terrified and disorientated sea mammal struggled to comprehend the
concept of competitive videogaming and failed spectacularly to
interface its flippers with the nuanced controls of a Nintendo game
pad.
One note of cautious
optimism for those of us who have battled the malignant social tumour
that is Gamergate these past eight months, came in the form of a
fixer from Gamergate HQ in the US, who unwittingly revealed the
foundering state of the movement. In an extraordinary tirade lasting
15 minutes, the Executive Hatelord berated the London contingent for
failing to meet net harassment quotas in the final quarter of
2013/14. The speech concluded with him brandishing a pile of papers
which he claimed were new leads providing the details of women who
needed to be hounded out of videogaming. He added: “These leads
aren't for you because these leads would be wasted on you. These
leads are for closers.”
Following this
dressing-down one middle-aged gater confided in me:
“I thought for a moment
that I was going to get fired from Gamergate. Starting Monday I'm
going to get into the office an hour early so I can get a head start
on my colleagues. Mark my words, redundancies are on the way my
friend. I just need to run faster than everybody else and I'll be
okay.”
The battle against
Gamergate continues...
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