The incident occurred
yesterday when members of the expo's Coercion Patrol approached a
stand being operated by the Syrup Weasel Brigade and demanded that
the group vacate the building immediately.
“When I requested a
summary of the exact rules that had been broken, I was told that I
lacked the mental capacity and the academic accomplishments necessary
to grasp the great offence I had caused to the other attendees,”
said Syrup Weasel cohort, Agatha Tiefighter.
“When I pressed the
issue, a member of the security team thrust a discredited, dog-eared,
9th grade physics textbook, open on random page, into my
face and yelled: 'THERE! YOU SEE, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.'
“I informed the security
guard that the answer to the mathematical problem in the book was 73
with a recurring remainder of 3, but that I failed to see how this
related to our present situation. At this point we were forcibly
escorted off the premises.”
Literally What? organisers
initially defended their actions in a series of piecemeal statements
on Twitter. These were subsequently erased, redrafted and replaced
with other statements which have also been erased.
A statement regarding the
incident on the expo's website reads:
“Although a full list of
do s and don'ts is made available to everyone operating booths at the
convention, only those individuals who are truly pure of heart will
be able to perceive these rules in their entirety. On this occasion
it appears that some impure souls slipped through our screening
process and subsequently broke a great many of the commandments that
make Literally What? a fun and inclusive experience for everybody who
attends.”
A MODE 5 reporter, who
infiltrated the expo by posing as a blogger from our rival social
justice-themed publication, MODE 4, requested a list of the rules and
was presented with a hardback book consisting of two printed sheets
followed by approximately 492 blank pages. A quotation on the back
cover, attributed to the actor Wil Wheaton, praised the book as “a
daring and progressive manifesto that will revolutionise the
convention-going experience.”
After pointing out to the
organisers that most of the rule book appeared to be nothing more
than white space our reporter was publicly branded a heretic who
lacked “the true sight” and was ejected from the building amidst
a chorus of boos and cries of “Shitlord!”
MODE 5 spoke to a number
of convention goers who had assembled at a 'No Rape Zone' in a
re-purposed sheltered bus stop outside the convention centre. Prior
to entering our reporter was asked, along with other members of the general
public who were waiting for a bus, to sign legally binding
paperwork, pledging that he would not rape anyone while in the zone.
One anonymous attendee who
claims to have developed self-diagnosed PTSD after witnessing the
Syrup Weasels being escorted from the building, said:
“You could tell from the
way they were dressed - in jeans, plaid shirts, bow-ties and grey
v-necked sweater vests - that they had just come to cause trouble. I
am amazed that they were allowed into the convention in the first
place.”
Guest speaker, Valentina
Lionrug, who lectures on safe spaces in Minecraft, said:
“The presence at this
expo of strong, talented women who are willing to engage in frank and
open public debate on complicated issues and to eloquently express
their dissenting opinions in person, as opposed to anonymously from
behind a twitter account backed by a screeching hate mob, demeans all
of us who make a career from crying 'victimhood' and begging for
money on social media. The bottom line is that I was made to feel
unsafe. I am glad that the bad lady has gone and is never coming
back.”
A subhuman creature who identified itself to us as 'Butts', and who we assume was cos-playing Reek from Game
of Thrones, told MODE 5: “I have no time for sticky weasels. I
require all of the weasels who enter into my servitude to be
well-lubed and slick to the touch.”
Fallout from the eviction
has stirred up anger and bad feeling on both sides of the on-going
debate around social justice and censorship. Asked whether any further
action or investigation into the incident would be carried out, a
spokesperson for Literally What? said:
“We take accusations of
rule breaches at our conventions and events extremely seriously. Our
thorough investigations are grounded on the same principles of
rigorous bias, empty speculation and open disregard for legal due
process, that have proven invaluable when addressing issues of social
justice on university campuses across America and the United
Kingdom.”
Asked whether the Syrup
Weasels would be reimbursed any part of the $10,000 they had paid for
their booth at Literally What?, the spokesperson informed MODE 5 that
this sum was levied in order to cover admin costs and would not be
refunded.
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