Rocket Technicians
sympathetic to the Gamergate cause are winning the space race and may
put a videogamer on the surface of Mars by 2065, according to fears voiced in
The Guardian newspaper.
The warning comes as the
yoghurt-weaving hipster journalists of Kings Place, London, continue
to grapple with the task of designing a 'non-triggering' rocket that
doesn't resemble a giant metal phallus.
Earlier this year Guardian
Space Editor – Peter 'Space Guardian' Bishop talked to MODE 5 about
a long-term commitment by the paper to remove from star charts
“problematic” planets, that contain high proportions of the
so-called misogynist group of chemical elements.
Discussing the progress of
The Guardian's space program he said:
“In our design ethic we
have chosen to lay to one side concerns over the aerodynamics and
fuel efficiency. What we are trying to avoid is sending something
that resembles an enormous penis blasting through a ragged hole in Earth's upper atmosphere. The last thing any of us want is for film
of the launch to be included in a comedy montage featuring stock
footage of nodding oil pump jacks, trains disappearing into tunnels
and other similar images that collectively imply sexual intercourse.”
Asked to comment on The
Guardian's pledge to beat Gamergate to Mars, he added:
“Ever since the location
of Mars was determined by astronomers and the coordinates for the red
planet illegally published in books and online, Martians been
subjected to an ongoing campaign of stalking and harassment. In the
past this has been confined to being leered at through expensive
space telescopes. The advent of the Gamergate space program seems
poised to take this harassment to a face-to-face level and that is
unacceptable.
“We at The Guardian
have chosen to demonstrate our
solidarity for the Martian people by drawing pictures of
rockets and forwarding our sketches to an approved list of scientists
and engineers who have all promised never to wear shirts that offend the
shrill vocal minority of social justice advocates and cultural Marxists.
Our hope is that, upon receiving our designs, these highly-skilled
individuals will build our space craft for us for no financial renumeration.
“Naturally, as social
commentators, our preferred course of action would be to simply shame
all those involved in the Gamergate Space Initiative into giving up
on their dream of Mars colonization and slinking back home with their
tails between their legs.”
Despite
Bishop's hopes, the momentum of the Gamergate space program shows no
signs of abating. Mission control is not confined to one
location. Rather it comprises a loose-knit, geographically-scattered
array of internet compatible devices – a combination of PCs, gaming
consoles, mobile phones and E-readers, along with a few obsolete
throwbacks such the Mircosoft Zune, and at least three re-purposed
Game & Watch LCD hand-helds. There is no overall mission
coordinator and the countdown to the launch is occasionally paused
to allow time for the acknowledgement of the appearance of double
figures or 'dubs'.
Colt Gordon - Grandson of
the late Flash Gordon – spoke to MODE 5 about the origins of the
program:
“As a joke, somebody
started a board on 8chan called The Gamergate Space Exlporation
Initiative. It turns out that a lot of people there have physics or
maths or engineering degrees. Before anyone was really aware of what
was going on we had a fully-fledged space program was under way.
“There were a few
early setbacks - the board admin's girlfriend had SJW tendencies and got
butt hurt over something so we had to set up a new board. Plus there
were a few hours when everybody stopped focusing on the Mars mission
and started posting images of sea lions.
“Despite these detours,
eight hours after we began we had completed designs for three rocket
prototypes and a terraforming module, and had raised most of the
funding for our Mars mission. Tomorrow we are thinking about curing
cancer, or we might just kick back and reminisce about Street
Fighter II."
The rapid progress of the
Gamergate space mission has sent alarm bells ringing in the social
justice community with many voicing concerns about a Gamergate
colonisation of Mars occurring within their grand-children's
lifetimes:
Harriet Gwyneth Wells
first developed an interest in astronomy after she was required to
wear a neck brace for medical reasons and walk around with her head
tilted upwards for most of 2009. She now manages Skywatchers for
Social Justice - a non-profit organisation that advises Twitter
on invading alien races who may have misogynist tendencies. Dressed
in a plaid shirt and sitting cross-legged beneath the stuffed and
mounted head of E.T., Wells outlined what she regards as escalating
patterns of victimization directed at Mars by Earth-based videogaming
culture:
“No one would have
believed in the early years of the 21st century that Mars
was being watched keenly and closely by beings with Super Mario Bros
high scores greater than any achieved by the Martians themselves;
that as the green-skinned women of Mars busied themselves about their
various concerns they were scrutinised and studied through the
lecherous prism of the male gaze, perhaps almost as narrowly as a man
with a pair of high-powered binoculars might scrutinise a group of
women changing in and out of their swimming costumes on a deserted
beach.
“At most Martians
fancied there might be men upon Earth, perhaps inferior to themselves
and ready to welcome one-off sex in the missionary position for the
sole purpose of procreation in exchange for a lifetime of brow-beaten
servitude. Yet across the gulf of space, stunted intellects, dim and
socially inept and liberally stained orange with Doritos seasoning,
regarded Mars with lustful eyes, and slowly and surely drew their
plans.”
While Wells stands in firm
opposition to the Gamergate conquest of Mars, others in the social
Justice Community have confessed to having mixed feelings:
Claire Wowser – a
lobbyist for the UK South-East chapter of Send Gamergaters
Offworld said:
“While I welcome the
news that Gamergate plans to eventually leave Earth of their own
volition, this does present me with the inconvenience of finding
somebody else to blame all my problems on. I also worry that
supporters of Gamergate, once out of Earth's orbit, will no longer be
able to clearly hear me complaining loudly about how their private
activities infringe upon the many supplementary human rights I have
bestowed upon myself.”
The mooted off-world
exodus may also have unintended consequences for society, according
to Martin Bishop of The Guardian:
“We can assume that any
departing Gamergate colony vessel will take with it a great swathe of
the moderate and libertarian left wing. While that's great in the
sense that it will allow us to drop any further pretence of being a
newspaper and focus our attentions exclusively on producing outraged
clickbait, I do wonder what effect this mass migration will have upon
the price of a four-bedroom town house in up-and-coming Hastings.
Also, who is going to make me my Soy latte?”
Martian reaction to the
impending arrival of Gamers from Earth has been more measured. One
inhabitant of the red planet who we met holidaying in London said:
“If I believed what I
read in The Guardian I'd think that all Gamergate supporters
have penises where their heads should be. Fortunately I am not an
idiot. All the gamers I have spoken to seem like normal guys and
gals. Thank the star gods that none of them have blue hair as on Mars we find
that terribly offensive.”
When questioned about what
he might do on a hypothetical visit to Mars, Gamer, Jason Metzer
said:
"Probably just play the new
GTA. If the weather was good I might drive out and visit the grave of
the three-breasted mutant from the film Total
Recall - she
was my great aunt so it would be good to pay my respects in person.
If there's time I might go and get my photo taken on the spot where
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Rachel Ticotin were
sucked out of a bio-dome and into the cruel unforgiving Martian landscape
where they almost suffocated.”
As the debate on Mars
colonisation rages, and those on either side prepare the vessels that
will transport their supporters to the red planet maybe the last word
should go to noted technocrat and space-travel visionary Alfa
Magnuson.
Addressing the ailing
Guardian space program, he said:
“The closest you will
ever come to ascending into the heavens will be to stand atop the
summits of the molehills you have bulldozed into mountains. Even at
those high altitudes the rarefied air will muddle your already
impaired judgement, while your self-obsession will anchor your
ambitions firmly to the ground. Humankind's destiny may well lie
within the stars, however I predict that the small-minded, joyless,
socially-regressive subset, to which you have allied yourselves, will
never leave this world.”
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