The couple, who jointly
run a small business refurbishing gingerbread cottages, objected to
proclamations regarding the dubious activities of Princess Anita, that
were bellowed across the kingdom by Thunderf00t - a giant who is
described as having a neck as thick as Prince McIntosh, and whose
heavy footsteps are believed, by the common peasant folk of the
enchanted forest, to be the source of the cacophonous storms that
flatten their straw houses every winter.
Speaking through the drifting
tendrils of a soupy, pea-green mist that clouded the interior of a
crystal ball, the foul wart-covered crone, said:
“I am only too happy to
give praise when it is deserved, and to build people up where I feel
that it is appropriate to do so. Only last week I took part in a
panel interview where I informed Macbeth that, subject to reference
checks, he would very likely be promoted to the position of Thane of
Cawdor in the very near future.
“However when a royal
subject casts aspersions 'pon Princess Anita - the fair usurper to
the throne of this kingdom - and makes fun of her knuckle-brained,
troll-like henchmen, then it's time to summon the flying monkeys.
“I freely admit to
writing to Thunderf00t's employers in the mysterious flying castle at
the summit of the magic beanstalk that grows in Jack's garden,
demanding that they give him the option of either ceasing in his
nursery rhyme attacks upon our royal family, or face the prospect of being magically
transformed into a lowly frog. I encouraged other witches to do
likewise.”
Public reaction to the
letter writing campaign, which was described by one commentator as
“wicked”, and widely condemned, has resulted in a climb-down by
the enchantress, who was said by work colleagues to be visibly reeling
from the backlash against her:
In a public statement she
said:
“It appears that in
publicising my mean-spirited campaign aimed at
depriving a giant of his livelihood, I failed to take into account
the 400,000 or so birds of the forest who, despite Thunderf00t's
fearsome reputation and penchant for dining on entire flocks of
sheep, sing sweetly into his ear as he dozes atop the gnawed bones of
his casseroled enemies.
“The birds have actually
done a lot of damage to my husband's business, pecking away at the
foundations of our gingerbread headquarters, rendering it both shabby
and structurally unsound, and not a good advertisement for the
services that we provide.
“I am ready to admit
that I was perhaps misguided in my actions and have possibly bitten
off more than I can chew. At this moment in time I am no longer a
laughing witch. I am literally weeping green caustic tears that
dissolve all that they touch.”
Her husband - Jacob
Broomstick - added:
“Sometimes it's hard
being married to a witch. Earlier this year some punk kids masquerading
as tech support for an oven we recently purchased, convinced my wife
to baste herself in butter and salt before climbing inside to check
whether the pilot light was on. The incident was filmed on our
crystal ball and widely distributed across the kingdom.
"In time I hope that this
will settle down and we can all live happily ever after.”
Thunderf00t:
A profile
 | |
| "Hey, you forgot your dagger!" |
Thunderf00t rose to
prominence in the kingdom following his controversial claims to have
dis-proven the existence of God. In an interview published by in The
Göttingen Inquisitor, he told a reporter:
“Standing, as I am so
accustomed, at over 35 feet in height, I am tall enough to see into
heaven and can confirm that, far from being the work of celestial
beings, the city's silvery minuets are woven by a species of
cloud-dwelling spider. The entire cobwebby edifice is reminiscent of
a cover painting from a Michael Moorcock science-fantasy novel or the
gate-fold sleeve artwork of a progressive rock album.”
As one of the more vocal
giants in the kingdom, his insights into social and political issues,
and proclivity for pulverising castle walls to fine powder, have
caused him to be both admired and feared in equal measure by the
populace.
“Every winter, terrible
storms flatten our simple straw dwellings...” One villager said.
“...Our superstitious
ancestors believed that these rumbles from the heavens and the
accompanying high winds were generated by fearsome wolves who blew
down our cottages, feasted upon our elderly loved ones, and then
cavorted about in human clothing to satiate their sick sexual
desires.
“Thanks to recent
advancements in science we have moved past these superstitions and
have identified these extreme weather patterns as originating from
the galumphing giant Thunderf00t, as he pursues tailors dressed in
seven-league boots the length and breadth of the kingdom.”
In 2011 Thunderf00t triumphed in
the 'Best One-Headed Giant in the 30-40 Foot Height Range' category at the
Wunderhorn Miracle Powder Annual Giant Awards.
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