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| When a software update switches your Xbox One to 'Giant Spider Mode' |
A lost generation of
radicalised spiders, schooled in the tenets of social
justice theory, may have just declared war on GamerGate.
MODE 5 has received
information indicating that spiders harbouring extremist social
justice ideologies, that previously had been confined to university campuses,
are now leaving these academic safe spaces and infiltrating wider
society.
The news comes in the wake
of an apparent assassination attempt by a spider on the life of the
vocal GamerGate supporter and Breitbart gadfly, Milo
Yiannopoulos.
In the aftermath of the
attack, Yiannopoulos took to YouTube, showing off his swollen,
spider-bitten arm and boasting that he would “never die.” In a
dignified three-hour speech, during which he declined hospital
treatment, he called upon gamers to take up arms against spiders,
performed a delirious A
cappella medley of Mariah Carey
songs, which included the “underrated” Triumphant
(Get 'Em), and issued a tearful apology to
someone called Ethel.
Yiannopoulos also
confirmed that there were spiders “literally coming out of the
walls and swarming all over my face,” although these were not
visible in the webcam footage.
MODE 5 Deputy Intern,
'Kevin', who stayed up all night watching the live-stream said:
“It has not yet been
established whether the spider who attacked Milo Yiannopoulos was
working independently, or was part of a coordinated operation. Police
have, so far, not confirmed whether a telephone warning was given
prior to the attack.”
In response to an enquiry
from MODE 5, Breitbart reported that all of its staff who had
worked on GamerGate-related articles had been moved to safe houses
while the threat to their lives is being assessed.
The spokesperson for the
news website added:
“This is a place of
serious business. Who are you and why do you keeping contacting us?”
Self-taught Security
Expert - Nigel 'the Nige' Badstoke, who sells nunchucks, and other
martial arts weaponry, out of a sports holdall, in a variety of
rough, south London pubs, says that the attack raises some disturbing
home truths:
“The spider managed to
enter a gated community and bypass Yiannopoulos's own security
measures. It injected a lethal dose of venom into its target and then
escaped undetected. That alone should send a chill down the spine of
any gamer.
“As far as home defence
is concerned, the heyday of print media provided ample material that
could be rolled-up at a moment's notice and deployed as an improvised
spider deterrent.
“In the grey age of
digital clickbait there are less and less objects lying around the
home that can be used against spiders. Those who fall victim to
spider attacks are often unwilling to risk damaging expensive
technology by using smartphones, E readers, and tablet PCs as
makeshift cudgels. I would advise any gamer who is concerned for
their personal safety to contact me at The Queens Head off
Morden Common and quote 'gamergate' for a 5% discount.”
Brigadier Colin Newbolt is
employed in an advisory role by the European Spider Crimes Task
Force. He says that he is not surprised by the attack:
“We are on the brink of
a sea-change in gamer/spider relations.
“Until recently spiders
were content to focus their attentions on wandering hobbits, or have
forest goblins ride around on their backs, but generally distanced
themselves from human affairs.
“We are now seeing the
rise of a radicalised spider who regards human beings as problematic
and doesn't give a fuck about anything.
“While GamerGate could
conceivably win a ground war against the arachnids, the casualties on
both sides would be enormous, on a scale comparable with the Second
World War.”
With the threat of further hostilities overshadowing the videogaming community, global markets have reported a massive surge in sales of
replica weapons from popular sci-fi and fantasy films and television,
as gamers ready to defend themselves the only way they know how. A replica energy sword, claimed
by its manufacturer to have originated from a Halo/Star Wars
crossover universe, has become an international best seller after it
was re-marketed as a first line of defence against spider attacks.
Other gamers remain
sceptical that such weapons act as a true deterrent:
“My Longclaw replica -
the sword Jon Snow uses in Game of Thrones - is absolutely
covered in cobwebs. It's like the spiders are laughing at me,” says
Jeremy Squire. “Last year I took it to a blacksmith to confirm that
it had been forged from genuine Valyrian steel. He looked at me like
I was an idiot.”
Internet traffic analysts
have also identified an increase in online scams offering magical protection
from spiders and spider-repelling penis ointments.
“I heard that if you
press the buttons on your PS4 game controller in a certain order, it
will unlock a cheat code that neutralises spider venom,” says
Sheila Meynell. “I am 89% sure that it's just an urban myth, or a
ploy by Sony to sell more PS4s.”
Fears that spiders
fighting for social justice might have allied themselves with human
sympathisers (described by many as a nightmare scenario) have been
quashed by a comment made on an online forum by a former Feminist Frequency employee:
“The last time Jon
McIntosh saw a spider he stood on a chair shrieking until Anita
gathered it up in her talon and returned it to one of her larval
sacs.”
With no further attacks
having been reported since the thwarted attempt upon the life of Milo
Yiannopoulos, an uneasy calm has settled over the gamer community.
John Zoffany - owner of
the independent video and tabletop games store - Game Dungeon
– said:
“When I see a spider in
my shop I am happy that they are an active participant in the great
hobby that is gaming. If they bite a customer, or ask me where they
can find Battletoads, they will have to leave.”
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