Moments of
internet-induced mirth, known as LOLs, are being falsely reported in
record numbers according to the Royal Objective Foundation for
Laughter (ROFL).
In recent years the
abbreviation, LOL, which is derived from an old Norse word, LULZ,
meaning 'to laugh at the glorious occasion of one's impending death
in battle', has re-entered the common vernacular. It is frequently
used by those surfing the internet to indicate that they are laughing
out loud, often at an amusing picture of a cat.
The online-based nature of
these claims can make them difficult to verify. A problem confirmed
in research conducted by ROFL in 2015: The study, which drew its
findings from a sample of 1200 Bristol University students, divided
into two groups, reported that 98% of cases where a person claimed to
have LOLed were without merit, with participants reportedly engaging
in a wide variety of other activities at the time they claimed to be
laughing out loud.
Max Marcel – Executive
Director of ROFL – says: “The cold, hard reality is that when
somebody online tells you that they are LOLing hard, you are more
likely to find them mired in ennui, slouched unresponsively in the
listless monitor glow of a computer screen or tablet device, with one hand
crammed down the front of their underwear as they half-heartedly
masturbate to furry porn.”
Marcel has spent the past
decade studying the evolution of LOLing, which has fallen victim to
the irresistible force of online one-upmanship and given rise to
extreme variations, including one in which an internet user will
claim to be literally rolling around on the floor laughing.
“This almost never
happens outside of mid-20th century cartoons populated by
anthropomorphic animals. Can you imagine if people really did this
every time they found something funny?” he remarks incredulously.
Another claim commonly
made by internet users is that they have been caught off-guard by a
humorous image or comment, and this has caused them to involuntarily
eject a mouthful of coffee, or some other beverage, such as Mountain
Dew, over their computer keyboard or monitor. In extreme cases the
claimant will suggest that the author of the humorous material now
owes them for a replacement keyboard, their current model having been
irreparably damaged in the deluge.
These claims have not gone
unnoticed by hardware manufacturers, among them Intel who have
recently patented a processor that can survive unharmed for 8 hours
while submerged in Coca Cola.
Snailshell – an English
company specialising in computer peripherals - now employs a team of
70 at its Woking-based quality control division to spit on keyboards
prior to shipping.
At the time of writing, an
online campaign, aimed at forcing a UK parliamentary debate on the
possible inclusion of LOL insurance in the retail price of all
technology, has gathered over 84,000 signatures.
The hardware market isn't
the only commercial sector paying attention: Cicada Coffee Importers
are said to be developing an Internet blend, infused with chemicals
that will suppress the laughter response and reduce the risk of
sprayed beverages damaging valuable technology.
The mass false-reporting
of LOLs has not gone unnoticed by proponents of GamerGate – a
consumer movement that campaigns for ethics in gaming journalism, but
is already showing signs of expansion into other principle-starved
areas. Supporters canvased by MODE 5 expressed an interest in
tackling the issue after they “get this social justice warrior
bullshit sorted out once and for all.”
One GamerGater, who did
not wished to be named, told our reporter:
“I do find it disturbing
that people who I trust are probably lying about those occasions when
they are laughing out loud. It does lead me to question what else
they might be lying about; the role of the Illuminati in 9/11, for
example.
“This could easily be
resolved if people who claim to have LOLed were required to provide
sources, such as a time-stamped video, or a signed witness statement.
Those who claim to have damaged hardware as a result of LOLing could
be compelled to submit evidence of their claims, such as insurance
forms.
“We also need to tackle
the escalation in the details of unethical LOL claims, which are
becoming increasingly far-fetched. For example, it was once
commonplace and entirely believable for a person to say that their
sides were aching from laughing too hard. Sadly it is now far more
common for such a statement to be laced with hyperbole and assertions
that their sides are now in orbit around the earth, or some other
celestial body, or have even departed our solar system altogether.
“Website-based ethical LOLing policies
would be require internet users to support their outlandish
statements with corroborating images taken by space telescopes, and
confirmation from NASA, or from other reputable space exploration
agencies.”
Marcel fears that those
who make frequent use of this modern shorthand for unfettered
laughter may be masking their true emotions:
“A person can easily get
into the habit of typing 'LOL' when what they really mean is 'MEH' –
another old Norse word expressing disappointment that an opponent's
axe has missed its mark, and that you will not be be dining with the
gods in Valhalla tonight.'”
“You should not take
anything that you are told online at face value,” says MODE 5 Mail
Sorter, Peter Gungan.
“I was once informed
that a wry comment I made on an online bulletin board had won me the
internet. When I visited Internet Headquarters, which are apparently
located in an MOT centre on an industrial estate, just outside
Basildon, and asked to pick up the keys, nobody there had ever heard
of me. I am currently pursuing the matter in the courts.”
No comments:
Post a Comment