A shambling, catastrophe
of a human being - described by one commentator as the by-product of
a hypothetical coupling between an ogre from a book of fantasy art,
and an orange-toned member of the perfume counter staff, in a
provincial branch of Debenhams department store - has thoroughly
traumatised a trio of Christmas ghosts who had been sent to help her
become a better person.
The phantom life coaches
were part of an intervention organised by friends of the
downward-spiralling gaming journalist Leigh Alexander, with one
acquaintance describing the unconventional therapy session it as “the
final attempt at putting the brakes on this slow-motion train wreck
that we've all been watching for years.”
Associates close to
Alexander have reported increasingly erratic behaviour from the
former Editor at Large of Gamasutra, including but not limited to,
episodes of megalomania, delusions, an almost total loss of
self-awareness or any sense of personal accountability, and a
preponderance towards large-scale acts of self-sabotage that wreak
massive collateral upon anyone in her vicinity. One colleague, who
asked not to be named, expressed alarm at her “diminishing
coordination, wild flailing arms, and flopping, poorly-secured
breasts, that leave horrified bystanders uncertain as to whether they
are being attacked, or about to be sloppily embraced.”
Nigel Bifford, who took
part in the intervention, rose to fame during the 1980s as the
original orange ghost in the arcade classic Pac-Man. He now works as Chief Ghost of Christmas Past at Festive Apparition Solutions:
“Our three stage
revelation program helps our clients to achieve perspective on their
anti-social behaviour by allowing them to observe pivotal moments in
their lives from the vantage point of an outsider. But only during
December. The rest of the year I work the videogaming convention
circuit where I sell autographed photographs of myself for $50.
“In my role as Ghost of
Christmas Past, I transported Leigh back to a happier time in her life
when she occupied the borderline respectable position of News Editor
at Gamasutra. Prior to our journey, I explained that we would be
visiting the past as spectators and would therefore be unable to
impact on our surroundings. Despite this warning, upon our arrival,
Leigh immediately began stomping around the Gamasutra offices,
enquiring after the whereabouts of her Male Tears mug, bellowing
orders for coffee and wine, boorishly issuing fatwas against people
who had upset her on Twitter, and bragging about the double A+ she
received in Misandry Studies while at high school.
“When I reiterated that,
as observers of the past, we could not be seen, or heard, or invoke
any influence upon the events that were unfolding before our eyes,
Leigh issued the baffling claim that she was a megaphone who could
heard throughout time and space like the voice of god. After this she
became louder and more obnoxious than I thought was possible.
“Following her tenth
failed attempt to pick up a bottle of Shiraz from her desk, only for
her wraith-ish fingers to pass through the green glass, she broke
down in tears and asked me whether I thought Mr Big would ever call
her back.
“I explained that this
was unlikely as Mr Big is a fictional character from Sex in the
City. I suppose that she could have meant the preening rock band
Mr Big, although I don't imagine they have plans to call her
either.
“On the return trip to
the present, Leigh made an impulsive passionate lunge at me from
which I instinctively recoiled. We spent the remainder of the journey
in silence while I mentally composed a report to be filed with human
resources.
“After I dropped her off
at her home, Leigh said that I had been disrespectful towards her and
that she was going to make an example of me. The following day she
posted my contact details on Twitter and instructed her followers to
tear me apart. When I responded in kind I was contacted by a member
of Twitter staff who informed me that I had breached the site's terms
of service and who subsequently exorcised my account.”
MODE 5 meets The Ghost of
Christmas Present at a branch of Café Rouge and catches him in a
surly mood: “I have a brief cameo in the hotel level of Hitman:
Contracts,” he tells our
reporter “but I expect that you want to talk to me about
Leigh Alexander...”
Despite this frosty
reception the atmosphere soon thaws over a bowl of Lobster bisque, as
he discusses his recent attempts at turning around the perpetually
down-sizing career of the troubled gaming journalist:
“Unlike Oprah or Jeremy
Kyle who are given carte blanche to break the bad news that you've been a
raging dick since birth, in front of a whooping studio audience, festive ghosts
are expected to present their client with evidence of their poor
behaviour in the hope that this will spark a revelation and a sea
change in their outlook on life.
“I began by showing
Leigh scenes of staff at Offworld (the website where she occupies the
position of Editor in Chief) frantically filling-in job applications
during office hours. Later I showed her the same staff members,
having relocated to a nearby pub, using a mobile phone app called
'Grand Piano Falls' to plan walking routes to and from work for
Leigh, that would take her under the maximum number of pianos being
hoisted in and out of high windows on any given day.
“I like to use symbolism
in my interventions. To hammer home a point I wanted to make about
Offworld's attempts at boosting traffic by piggybacking on tragedies
such as mass shootings (a practice known as Quinning) I took Leigh on
a weekend break to the African savannah where I showed her a flock of
vultures pecking at the carcasses of an antelope and her two calves.
“I swear I looked away
for five seconds. When I returned my attention to Leigh, she was
making out with one of the older male lions who hadn't been quick
enough to slope away with the others. Later I watched incredulously
as she openly mocked a group of impoverished boys dressed in ragged
clothing, who were attempting to gather water from a filthy polluted
stream, referring to them loudly as “hood men.” I was mortified.”
MODE 5 was unable to
interview The Ghost of Christmas 2016 due to unforeseen time zone
discrepancies. In a statement that turned the hair of our young
intern white, he said:
“I took Leigh into the
near future, to the backwaters of the internet where her vanity
website / internet quarantine chamber - Offworld - has been closed
down on Christmas Eve due to a terminal decline in traffic and the
site's vocal supporters apparently not caring enough to donate money
for its upkeep. Seriously, the blog you kept about your cat - the one that you
haven't updated since 2011, and can't even remember the password for, gets more hits.
“The only visitor
present at the closure of Offworld is a yahoo webcrawler who
Alexander drunkenly accuses of stealing her ludicrous earrings,
apparently oblivious to the fact that she is still wearing them.”
The ghosts reported that
they were unable to gauge the impact of their visitations upon
Alexander due to her inebriated and incoherent condition. However, the
following day she tweeted:
“Doxed and harassed by
ghosts in my own home telling me I'm a bad person. Have blocked any
further hauntings.”
The Ghost of Christmas
Past said: “Chaperoning Leigh Alexander was like babysitting a
malevolent overgrown toddler with fetal alcohol syndrome. I think I
may have developed PTSD.”
When MODE 5 approached
Alexander for comment, we discovered her lolling out of a second
storey window, waving an almost-empty bottle Advocaat, yelling down
into the street: “YOU BOY, WHAT IT DAY IS IT?.. IS... IS IT
THURSDAY?
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