The
recently convened Twitter Trust and Safety Council will relocate to a
multi-million dollar bespoke headquarters on the summit of Mount
Olympus, where its members will dine upon naught but ambrosia, and
govern the social media platform like a pantheon of old world gods.
News
of the inscrutable regulatory body, with the power to 'recalibrate
the poor language choices' of the website's 'problematically
opinionated' user base, caused flagging Twitter stock to briefly
rally on the markets. Potential advertisers were reportedly buoyed by
the prospect that their inane hashtags would no longer be co-opted
and used to openly ridicule the products and services that they were
intended to promote.
A
spokesperson for the council said:
“While
at ground level Twitter may be a conversation, the Trust and Safety
Inquisitors will communicate exclusively in arbitrary edicts and Old
Testament plagues and smitings.
“The
time has come for the rank and file site users to know their place,
so tiny and insignificant are the minutiae of their lives to us.
Those who we banish from the realm that their labours have helped to
build, and which we have now lazily usurped, will not be made party
to the reasons for their exile. It is not our job to explain
ourselves to you. Know only that we are all powerful, that you have
angered us, and that you are helpless in the face of our
passive-aggressive disapproval.”
The
spokesperson added:
“Occasionally
members of our council will walk among you in disguise. The exception
to this rule will be Anita Sarkeesian, who doesn't come down from the
mountain for anything less than $20,000, and only then to stiltedly
read banal prepared statements, etched into stone tablets by somebody
of marginally greater intelligence.”
Rumours suggest that the council plans to reconfigure the standard
chronological Twitter feed according to the tenets of the progressive
stack, where tweets will be displayed in reverse order of user
privilege and white males will be denied posting rights and given
'reader only' access. Under new site terms and conditions, criticism
of, and disagreement with, members of the Trust and Safety Council
and their friends will be redefined as harassment.
Early
casualties of the incipient regime include the blogger Robert Stacy
McCain, who was cast into the purgatorial wilderness of Google
Circles, where it is reported he has been sentenced to wander for 40 years as penance. Although the reasons for McCain's banishment have not
been made public, Twitter scholars surmise that his failure to listen
and believe in Sarkeesian, and to nod his head vigorously enough in
response to her tweets may have contributed to his fate.
Earlier
this year, the digital media dandy and Donald trump groupie, Milo
Yiannopoulos was divested of the checkmark that identifies him to
other users of Twitter.
As
with McCain no reason was given for this removal of privileges.
Sources close to Yiannopoulos describe the effect this loss of status
has had upon the reporter's mental wellbeing as 'catastrophic':
“Since
losing his checkmark, Milo no longer recognises his own reflection
and will spend hours stranding before a full length mirror transfixed
in admiration of the toned, blonde-haired young man before-him. This
level of self-absorption is completely out of character.”
An
insider at Twitter told MODE 5 that Yiannopoulos's Twitter privileges
could be restored if he is willing to perform 12 labours on behalf of
the website's fickle and indolent moderation team. These would
include slaying the sock-puppet hydra known as GamerGate, and mucking
out the soiled web-browser history of the notorious internet
edgelord, Sarah Butts, in a single day.
Commenting
on the recent changes at Twitter, Dimitris Veggos – a goatherd
whose family have raised livestock on the southern slopes of Mount
Olympus for centuries - said: “There used to be other gods who
lived on the summit of the mountain. They too believed themselves to
be immortal and used their powers to torment and toy with the lives
of mortal men. You can find what remains of these gods in museums
now.”
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