Stock
footage of railway locomotives entering tunnels and rockets blasting
off into space are viable alternatives to hardcore pornography,
including, but not limited to, energetic face-sitting, gallons of
gracefully-arcing cum, and overweight amateur couples copulating with
the same lumpen grace and indifferent vigour as lions humping on the
sun-baked plains of the Serengeti. This is according to retired
actress Emma Watson.
Addressing
the part of the United Nations that isn't busy clearing minefields in
war zones or administering life-saving vaccinations, the star of Noah
and The Bling Ring said:
“We
should be creating lots of awesome, great alternatives to
pornography.”
The
young performer, who recently played the role of the Reverend Iris in
an episode of The Vicar of Dibley, plans
to set an example by taking a 12 month break from acting.
A
sorcerer close to Watson said:
“Emma
feels the same passion for acting that a lot of people harbour for
masturbation. Giving up stage and screen for a year is a great
sacrifice on her part and shows how serious she is about changing
what gets us off sexually.”
The
activities that appear on the UN shortlist of what has been termed
'Pornography Plus' range from shadow puppetry, to rope craft, to
making seashell collages.
A
press release from the UN said:
“We
are producing a range of anthropomorphic bone china cat ornaments,
dressed up as a variety of different professionals, such as
firefighter, doctor, and I.T support worker. When you successfully resist
the urge to view pornography you can reward yourself by going out and
purchasing one of these charming statuettes. We can see you building
up quite a collection!”
Reformed
porn connoisseur, Kevin Forbes, recently took advantage of the Watson
challenge, exchanging a life of feckless, unfettered wanking for the
cloistered hobby of brass rubbing. He told MODE 5:
“These
days when I rub one out, what I am actually doing is laying down a
long sheet of paper on the cold floor of a church vestry, and giving
a two-dimensional likeness of St Marjorie of Bath a good going-over
with a metallic crayon.”
Regarding
the brass of St Marjorie, Forbes added:
“You
can tell from the folds of her robe that she must have had a really
hot body. Before they put her eyes out and burned her at the stake, I
mean. I would love to have consensual sexual intercourse with her, in the missionary
position, for the sole purpose of procreation.”
Others
who have renounced pornography have found an alternative release in
spirited supersoaker water fights or obsessive cello playing.
“My
music teacher is amazed by how quickly I have progressed with the
instrument,” says former self-confessed 'four hours a day girl'
Jackie Roche.
Stay
at home mum, Hannah Burrell, told MODE 5:
“Emma
Watson is brilliant. I have filled the void left in my life by the
removal of anything remotely pornographic, by sitting on top of the
washing machine during the spin cycle, and embroidering the names of
the twelve disciples of Jesus onto handkerchiefs that I sell to the
local Christian bookshop.
“While
I am doing this I like to imagine one of them taking me roughly from
behind and maybe pulling my hair a little, while Jesus watches us
doing it.”
As
part of Watson's arousal reform program, the UN will issue everyone in the European Union over the age of 12 with a temperance quilt that
is designed to smother any carnal desires, and which can double as a
portable safe space if pulled over the head.
A
spokesperson for the UN said: “From a young age children will be
strongly encouraged to keep their legs crossed and their hands
outside the quilt at all times.”
The
proposed UN measures have drawn both support and condemnation. Human
Resources Manager, Hilary Wilson, said:
“Pornography
is sexist and objectifies women as vessels for sexual pleasure,
denigrating them to a pair of boobs and a vagina, and frequently
re-purposing their other bodily orifices as supplementary pleasure holes. I don't need
pictures and video clips to get off. All I need is my five-speed
dildo.”
Others,
such as unrepentant 18 year old onanist, Jim Cooke, remain unmoved:
“If
Emma Watson wants my pornography she can pry it from my cold dead
hand and, believe me, I've developed quite a grip. Actually, if she
wanted to wrestle me for my porn that would be pretty hot.”
Cooke
then excused himself from interview, informing our reporter that he
needed some time alone.
MODE
5 approached Feminist Frequency autocrat, Anita Sarkeesian, for
comment, but was told that she was indisposed, attempting to catch a
glimpse of Batmans' arse in the recently-released Arkham City
videogame.
“It's
become an obsession for her, like proving the existence of the Loch
Ness Monster,” said a spokesperson.
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