The future
of the online media conglomerate, Gawker, could hinge upon an amateur
sex video made by senior editorial staff at the company. The drastic
solution to the company's financial woes follows a ruling by a
Florida court, who judged that Gawker had invaded the wrestler, Hulk
Hogan's, privacy when it posted a sex tape that had been filmed
without his knowledge. The website was ordered to pay $115million in
damages. This sum was later increased by a further $25million in punitive damages.
According
to an unnamed source at Gawker:
“[Gawker
Founder] Nick Denton held a meeting today to discuss Gawker's future.
Basically everybody you hate from the internet was together in one
room at the same time. All those hours you spent playing Hitman
games and you missed your
shot guys. Well done.
“Anyway,
Denton told everyone that the only way the company is going to
survive is if senior editorial staff make an amateur sex tape. Once
finished the plan is to burn it onto a DVD and then leave it outside
Hulk Hogan's house, where he will hopefully find it and put it
online.
“Gawker
can then counter-sue Hogan for the money he won last week. Denton
believes that this will bring about a fair and balanced outcome to
the case.”
A source
who claims to have seen the hastily-filmed sex tape told MODE 5:
“It
begins with Denton and that effete, waistcoat-wearing fop, Nathan
Grayson, who looks even more like a Victorian pervert than normal,
cruising the suburbs in a people carrier. Jason Schreier, who is also
with them, periodically leans out of one of the passenger windows
and asks lone women if they want to party, and of course nobody does.
“Eventually
they encounter [Former Gawker editor] A.J. Daulerio who is looking
for an easy way to pay off his student loan. At this point the action
moves to Gawker HQ, which appears to be a motel room.
“After
that any semblance of plot goes out the window and it's a good
old-fashioned, no-holds-barred sausage bang – it's more or less
Batman Vs Superman with lower
quality special effects and less intentional lens flare. The
video budget apparently didn't stretch to lube so its very authentic.
Lots of grimacing. Some guy from Lifehacker teaches Sam Biddle a new
way of plugging his holes. Kotaku writer and alleged former lover of
Zoe Quinn, Nathan Grayson, is assured that girls don't have to be
your sexual partners. Girls are over.
“At one
point Denton asks everybody to stop what they are doing while he
makes sure that they are definitely not being filmed. A lawyer hands
him a signed affidavit confirming that no cameras are recording the
event and the gang bang resumes. It's very artistic.”
A
spokesperson for Gawker said:
“Nick
expects to have this unfortunate Hogan business sorted by the end of
the week. After that Gawker can return to servicing journalism the
only way it knows how: By trawling the blackest depths of the
internet for sex tapes of five year old celebrities, and posting
amateur footage of crying drunk girls being sexually molested in
bars.”
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