Internet users should check their privilege as often as they check their email

(TRIGGER WARNING: The following article contains vowels and consonants that have been deliberately arranged in a satirical format. As such it may cause lasting damage to the inflated self-esteem of people who have low reserves of humour and who are prone to engaging in acts of spitefulness when lightly teased)

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Internet users should check their privilege as often as they check their email.

This is the message of a speech given by Aida Preedy at the recent Tiered Equality Seminar (TES) in San Francisco.

Addressing an audience comprising predominantly well-off and well-educated Americans, all largely untouched by the ravages of war and famine, Preedy said:

“The most radical thing you can do is to keep hitting your mental refresh button. Never stop asking yourself whether there is somebody nearby who is more oppressed than you are and who needs to be heard. Then tell me so that I can speak-up on behalf of that person.

“If you are a white male then I strongly urge you never to speak. Unlike a Patreon fund, opinion is a finite resource, akin to oil or a sense of humour. Your fathers and your grandfathers used up your word allowance. Please remain silent and stop violating my ears with your tyrannical and misogynistic enquiries as to the location of the nearest men's room.”

Outlining the future direction of the social justice movement, Preedy pledged to act as a prism for the victims of oppression:

“In speaking for the collective I will use my own experiences to infer the experiences of all oppressed minorities.

“As has previously been the case with atheism and the occupy movement, we will position ourselves in supervisory roles where we will instruct skilled professionals, working in a field that we know nothing about, on how to best carry out their jobs. We will also play a key role in raising funds that will be used to promote further awareness of ourselves and our cause.

“In the future we plan to be more vocal in areas such as construction and urban planning. We need to turn our backs on the phallic skylines of the 20th century and the racist shadows cast by these tall buildings, and replace them with architecture that better reflects the experiences of the marginalised and the oppressed.

“We plan to eliminate inherently sexist building materials such as concrete by the year 2020 and substitute them with a material that is currently being developed by a friend of mine - a former cultural studies graduate who works for a PR firm.”

Speaking before the event, professional editorialist, Lucy Twitchette-Harper-Smythe, who has recently returned from retirement following allegations of an undisclosed financial relationship with the subject of one of her articles, said: 

 

“My 19 day exile from journalism, which amounts to a span of ten lifetimes in SJW years, gave me ample time to reflect upon recent events and gain new insights. I would compare my banishment to Christ's 40 days in the wilderness were the Christian messiah not the original piss baby and an invention of the patriarchy. I now plan to write a series of articles that focus on various aspects of the movement to promote social justice. If you disagree with anything I say I will block you on Twitter.”

The half-day conference, which was funded by a $500,000 Kickstarter campaign, was abandoned after an hour when attendees reported feeling a vague sense of threat and were forced to flee the venue.

The FBI are grudgingly investigating.