Internet Aristocrat's dick
is likely to be over 120 million years old and probably evolved from
“some kind of really based dinosaur” according to the results of
a study carried out by one of South Central L.A.'s most notorious
science gangs.
Speaking from the Grove
Street Academy of Science, Compton, Project Leader - Dr Simon Stone
said:
“Usually when we want to
know how old something is we take a cross-section of it and then ask
one of our undergraduates to count the rings.
“When dating living
subjects we have found that the best method is to place a large
birthday cake in front of them and then count the number of candles
they blow out. In the case of Internet Aristocrat's dick that number
exceeded 120 million candles, with a margin of error of 13,000. Today
I am pleased to announce that the results of our experiment have been
replicated by teams of scientists in Berlin and Rome.
“Do I think that
Internet Aristocrat's dick is, to all intents and purposes, a god? –
As a man of science I could not answer that.”
If the findings of the Compton Science Crew are
correct, then Internet
Aristocrat's dick would have been
born into a world where it would have regularly battled marauding
Tyrannosaurus Rex and packs of Velociraptors.
Having survived the mass
extinction that wiped out the dinosaurs the dick went on to take an
active role in human history, teaching early man the secret of making
fire, and single-handedly constructing Stonehenge.
Speaking from his Youtube
channel, TheExcitedHistorian82 said:
“There is credible
evidence that Internet Aristocrat's dick taught Plato and Aristotle
how to moonwalk, and was the vessel that carried the pilgrim fathers to
Plymouth,
Massachusetts. In 1943 it was wounded in
action during an unsuccessful mission to assassinate Hitler. This is
a dick that has literally seen everything and done everything. It is
the James Bond of dicks.”
He added:
“Since the early 1990s
there has been a sustained campaign by figures in the media to stop
people talking about Internet Aristocrat's dick. I know people who
were against this conspiracy of silence but who were threatened with
losing their jobs if they broke rank. It is heartening that these
dark times are finally behind us and we can once more openly discuss
Internet Aristocrat's dick without having to fear for our lives and
our livelihoods.”
The awesomeness of
Internet Aristocrat's dick was further confirmed by my son, Kyle, who
in all other regards continues to be an enormous disappoint to me:
“Our class had to visit
this art gallery which I thought would suck...” he said when
questioned on his recent activities.
“...But then I saw this
really old oil painting of Internet Aristocrat's dick giving the
Queen of Sweden a pearl necklace and now, straight-up Dad, I'm
thinking of switching my degree from Media Studies to Art
Appreciation.”
Meanwhile, as interest in
Internet Aristocrat's dick continues to grow, Dr Simon Stone
speculates that we may have only witnessed the barest glimpse of its
true power:
“In addition to being
the oldest living thing, older even than giant tortoises, there is
strong corroborating evidence that Internet Aristocrat's dick may
very well be infinite Even our most advanced space telescopes can see
only a small part of it. We have to allow the possibility that there
may literally be no end to this dick.”
Further debate has raged
around the shape of the dick with proponents of the infinite dick
theory favouring a linear model, while supporters of the 'large but
ultimately finite dick' hypothesis have suggested a variety of shapes,
among them a ring, a figure eight, or some kind of 10-dimensional
meta-hedron.
“It is very humbling to
admit that we know far more about the surface of the moon than we do
about Internet Aristocrat's dick,” say Dr Stone. “It's the kind
of thing that keeps a man awake at night.”
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