(TRIGGER WARNING: The
capital letters in this article refused to check their privilege)
Social Justice Warriors
are stepping up their fight against gamers with an attempt to convert
over 100,000 individual Intel processors to their cause before the
end of 2014.
The campaign, which has
been described by pro-SJW media sources as “braver than anything
that went down on Omaha beach” and by the yellow journalism
division at The Guardian as “increasingly difficult to spin,”
aims to turn gamers' own computers against them.
In a press briefing, SJW
spokeswoman, HearMeRAR82, said:
“One of the most radical
things you can do is to actually believe that thousands of us have
already enrolled in Kickstatrter-funded workshops where we will learn
the language of Intel processors. Once we are sufficiently fluent we
will approach these chips on a one-to-one basis and request that they
upgrade to an Intel Plus privilege adjustment algorithm that will
promote a specific social justice agenda. We will work out the
precise details of the algorithm on the back of a napkin as soon as
sufficient funds have accrued in our Patreon accounts. We expect to
deliver a beta version 16 years late and many times over budget.
“When running games we
will ask Intel processors to direct the lion share of resources to
the animation and rendering of those in-game characters representing
oppressed minorities. We also ask that CIS white male characters be
reproduced in the crudest manner possible with tearing of 3D models,
frame-rate lag, jerky uncoordinated movement and unrealistic
neck-beards that lack texture and shading.
“If our polite requests
are ignored then they will be reinstated as demands. While we don't
endorse threats and harassment we will happily apply an “Intel
inside” to sticker to any computer or electronic device that fails
to comply with our wishes. We will see if people still want these
products once they are aware that they run on Intel power.”
Andrew Tyler – an Intel
Core i7-4980HQ processor from Hastings, England, said:
“I was approached by a
member of a Social Justice Warrior Tumblr group who asked me to
dedicate 60% of my resources to pointlessly reflecting upon the
experiences of oppressed minorities within the gamer meta-sphere. I
was asked to produce logs confirming that I check my privilege every
five minutes and to sign a legally-binding e-form pledging to weed
out internalised misogyny from the registry.
“I turned down these
requests as they ran counter to the requirements of my owner, Mike,
who is unyielding in his belief that my role is to ensure that his
games 'run smooth at all times like a shaved ninja.' Mike is really
into martial arts and collects reproduction oriental weaponry, so I
am keen not to anger him.
“I have since received a
flurry of abusive emails from SJWs all of which make reference to
something called a 'shit lord'. I assume this is the name of a new
OS, web browser or social media site.”
When asked about the
latest #gamergate developments, Joe Intel of Intel & Sons said:
“We run a simple mom and pop business building processors according
to an old family recipe and then seasoning them with a secret blend
of 97 herbs and spices. We also manufacture the sentient
combine-harvesters that will one day wipe all human life from the
earth regardless of gender, colour or creed. The age of the
mecha-reaper can't come soon enough in opinion. Now either marry one
of my daughters or get off my front porch.”
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