(SATIRE) Internal divisions on gamergate are tearing the FBI apart

(NOTE: This entry was written at a time when there was a lot of rumour, speculation and misinformation over alleged FBI investigations into prominent pro and anti GamerGate figures. This was discussed online in rather hyperbolic terms, although if these investigations ever existed nothing came of them.

In this piece I imagined the incredulous reaction of the investigating FBI officers to the ongoing spat between videogamers and social justice warriors. The article was also intended to satirise how divisive an issue GamerGate had become, with the potential to tear apart longstanding friendships; or in this case to reduce law enforcement professionals to flinging childish insults back and forth across the office. 

The 'party van' mentioned in the penultimate paragraph is internet slang for an unmarked FBI van.)

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Internal divisions on gamergate are tearing the FBI apart 

Bitter infighting has broken out between the team of FBI agents currently investigating individuals within GamerGate, and those agents focusing on the activities of social justice warriors who are opposed to the movement.

Commenting on the rift, Agent Deborah Lawson said:

“My close colleague, Agent Carter, is rightly regarded as a paragon within the law enforcement community. Only last year he was commended for his bravery in the field when, at great risk to his own well-being, he saved three fellow agents who had been pinned down by automatic weapon fire, and who would have surely perished were it not for his timely intervention. That being said Agent Carter is, in my professional opinion, a complete and utter shit-lord for siding with the neck-bearded virgins of GamerGate, when we all know that these misogynist harassers and serial doxxers are the real hardened criminals.”

Responding loudly to these accusations from the opposite side of the office, Agent Chris Carter retorted:

“Agent Lawson's meticulous approach to lengthy investigations, her peerless mental endurance, and her keen eye for detail have kept tough cases under the spotlight when lesser individuals might have allowed them to fall by the wayside. She is single-handedly responsible for bringing to justice the notorious Nebraska State Thresher, thereby ending that individual's two-decade reign of terror over America's corn farmers. I consider it an honour and a privilege to work alongside her.

“This makes it all the more disappointing that she has thrown her lot in with a group of morally-corrupt, ego-driven, intellectually dishonest pseudo-academics, who openly profit from their victimisation while refusing to pursue practical legal remedies that might end it, preferring instead to smear the good names of innocent parties.” 
 

Speaking at a press conference FBI Regional Director, Aaron Peterson said:

“I can confirm that the pro-GamerGate and anti-GamerGate FBI task forces are currently in disagreement with regard to who should get first use of the party van to make arrests. I have made it clear to both sides that if a mutual decision is not reached by the end of the working day on Wednesday I will return the van to the Anti Gang Crime Unit."

Neutral parties within the FBI said that they were looking forward to the day when they could go back to investigating drug cartels, citing the absence of drama and relative level-headedness of meth dealers as the two things that they missed the most.