(TRIGGER WARNING: What
follows below is a work of satire with no grounding in reality
(1). Instead of checking the sources why not check your
privilege, then shut up, listen, and believe)
Wikipedia: Our latest
entry on #Gamergate may be our most accurate yet
Gamergate is a global
terrorist hate meme that wants to destroy all women (2).
It is fronted by the King of Poland (3),
various members of the online nobility (4),
and a sentient biscuit with telekinetic powers who escaped from a
secret government laboratory in Cheshire, England (5).
They are aided by Milo Yiannopoulos - Salesperson of the Year, 2013,
at Brite Bart (an
online clothing retailer offering high-street fashions at affordable
prices in a range of sizes) (6).
This is according to the
latest entry on the Gamergate movement from the online flea-market of
hearsay and opinion masquerading as fact - Wikipedia.
The updated article opens
with a quote from the socio-identity biologist, Lynn Unwood (author
of Toxic Gender Roles in Sichuan Panda Colonies)
who claims that Gamergate could pose a greater threat to life
on earth than the asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs 40 years ago
(7). According to Unwood “the desperate, last gasp
actions of this obsolete, testosterone-fuelled sub-trope may result
in a mass extinction of the intricate hierarchies of oppression and
victimhood that I have spent most of my academic life cataloguing and
inventing Latin-sounding names for”(8).
The Wikipedia article goes
on to describe a pair of autopsies that were carried out on Gamergate
supporters by writers at The Guardian newspaper. These
allegedly prove beyond reasonable doubt that Gamergaters are not real
people but crude automatons fashioned from Doritos seasoning,
moistened with the butt sweat of unlovable middle-aged, neck-bearded,
white, male virgins, who all all speak with the voice of Andy Dick
(9).
The entry also details
campaigns by Gamergate supporters to drive female characters out of
video games for good. This includes:
- Over 10,000 letters, all sent on the same day from the same postal address, demanding that any Nintendo games involving the rescue of Princess Peach end with Mario hurling her into an erupting volcano (10).
- A petition forwarded to Microsoft, requesting that all games on the Xbox feature, as the main character, a burly, heavily armed and armoured space marine, engaged in a never-ending war against an alien menace with a name reminiscent of the kind of early noughties New York-based band that made a habit of playing in independent art galleries (The Blind, The Greyness, etc) (11).
Opponents of Gamergate are
given their own dedicated section, accessible only after over 500
pages of detailed trigger warnings, utilising embedded eye-tracking software, have been laboriously clicked
through.
The Social Justice
Warriors (SJW) vs Gamergate entry includes an interactive
timeline chronologising the SJWs' descent from heaven and the
numerous victories they have won in their war against sexism in the
video games industry. Special attention is given to Anita Sarkeesian
(12) (whose new video Three Sexist Video Games That I
Wouldn't Be Caught Dead Playing has been delayed while additional funds are
raised to carry out further research) and the games developer and
philanthropist - Zoe Quinn (13).
Also described is the
attempt by social justice warriors to abolish the redundant
patriarchal tradition of academic peer review and replace it with
“Meer Review” in which authors would award each other gold stars
and limit criticism to catty remarks made behind one another's backs.
Self-ascribed “man fembot” - Montague Dűche
is quoted as saying: “Meerkat colonies prosper because they nurture
mutual support networks and discourage constructive criticism which
is indistinguishable from rape and should be punished by death, even
though I am against the death penalty.” (14)
Some attempt is made to
address the claims by Gamergate supporters that the movement is one
primarily concerned with a lack of journalistic ethics in the gaming
media.
This argument is
efficiently dispatched in a quote attributed to the editor of Kotaku
- Stephen Totilo: “Communal bubble baths
between games journalists and developers have been an integral part
of the industry since the early days. Just because you happen to some
touch somebody's genitals while getting in or out of a hot tub
doesn't mean that you will automatically give their game a good
write-up. Following that logic if, for example, tomorrow at 4:30 pm,
on the corner of 37th
and 5th, I brush
up against your crotch in the street, does that mean that I am going
to give your game Depression Quest II: The
Return of Jack Steele a good review? No, of
course it doesn't (15).
A spokesperson for
Wikipedia said:
“Our objectivity
algorithm allows us to create articles that are accurate to within a
fraction of a percentile (16). In our never-ending quest for
veracity we have adopted the same tried and tested precision
technology that was used by The Titanic to avoid icebergs. That
transatlantic liner enjoyed a long and prestigious service (17)
which was celebrated in a film Titanic, starring the Norwegian
actor Hugh Jackman (18) alongside
the crayfish from The
Little Mermaid, who
was voiced by Avril Lavigne.
“We will freely admit
that, at one point, we all thought that Gamergate was literally an
actual gate that was used to bar women from gaining access to video
games, similar to the glass ceilings that sadly remain an
architectural feature in many modern office buildings (19). In
hindsight we feel pretty foolish for thinking that.”
The spokesperson went on
to solicit financial donations for Wikipedia, citing numerous sources
supporting why the website needed the money (20) (21) (22).
Sources
1. Archaeology robots
establish that MODE5 article 'Wikpedia:
Our latest entry on #GamerGate may be our most accurate yet' was a
cack-handed and untrustworthy 21st
century attempt at satire (25th
Century Archaeologist Weekly)
2.
Gamergate leaders admit: “It was about misogyny all along”
(Literally Wow! Magazine)
3. Polish Monarch Tops
FBI's List of Most-Wanted Kings (Daily Mail)
4. If the cake is a lie
then let them eat lies (Cyberoylaty Times (Washington Edition))
5. Are the extreme left
weaponising biscuits? (Fox News)
6. Why even a full
mackintosh with a double fleece lining won't protect you from a
hurricane-force shit storm (Brite Bart in-house magazine)
7. London Zoo's dinosaur
habitat pelted with well-aimed space boulders by Nazi space yobs (The
Sun)
8. Why using the word
'tropes' as a shortcut to academic credibility is the new 'putting on
a pair of glasses and pretending to be really into science' (The
Guardian – fashion section)
9. Why I refuse to have
sex with a man who has a bright orange penis (Brenda
Allan - The Guardian)
10. With the exception of
my dear father – Lord Darlington - men are awful, ghastly,
sub-human animals (Margaret
Darlington - The Guardian)
11. Is the burly space
marine trope in modern video games responsible for poor body image in
our armed forces? (Polygon)
12. Anita Sarkeesian is
literally made of all the win (Zoe Quinn – San Francisco Journal
of Social Justice (Shut Up, Listen & Believe press))
13. Could Zoe Quinn be any
more awesome? (Anita Sarkeesian – Social Justice Journal of San
Francisco (Shut Up, Listen & Believe Press))
14. Meerkat society as a
model for positive discrimination in academic journals (Montague
Dűche – Journal of
Social Justice for San Francisco (Shut Up, Listen & Believe
Press))
15. Why I only give a
friend's game a glowing review if we end up in bed together and the
sex is really, really good (Joseph Frog-Glover - Kotaku)
16. Wikipedia Objectivity
Algorithm (Wikipedia) Sadly when we tried this link we were
redirected to another Wikipedia entry confirming the existence of the
Iranian village - Mokhvor, Hamadan
17. A list
of ships that never sank (Wikipedia)
18. Is
Hugh Jackman the one true Norwegian? (The
Norwegian Times (Washington Edition))
19.
Commercial demand for glass ceilings is pushing the price of windows
through the roof (The New Statesman)
20. Angela
21. Graham
22.
Collette
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