Criminals who can prove
that they were acting as a boundary-pushing agent of chaos known as
an 'Edgelord' when they committed their crimes will have their
convictions quashed and will not be held accountable for their
actions in any way.
The ruling comes after
social justice advocate, Sarah Nyberg, successfully argued that
disturbing comments that appeared to endorse paedophilia, logged
during internet chat sessions, were made while she was acting as an
Edgelord.
Legal pundit Gerald
Spoilers told MODE 5:
“The comments made by
Sarah Nyberg were not a reflection of her true opinions, but were
instead an attempt to test the boundaries of social and moral
conventions and to garner shock value.
“Like the character
Tyler Durden in the film Fight Club, the Edgelord is an
entirely fictional persona that can be worn like a suit of armour,
but whose words and actions remain separate from those of their host
body. Nyberg has since jettisoned her Edgelord persona and cannot be
held accountable for any alleged wrong-doing perpetrated by this
individual whose current whereabouts are unknown.”
When Spoiler was asked
whether he too was a figment of Nyberg's vivid imagination, he
responded:
“I am unable to comment
on my mooted status as an imaginary legal counsel. Whether I am a
real or an imaginary person will be for the high court of Maryland to
decide in 2016 when I will stand before a jury of my Narnian peers.”
The new legal precedent
set by Nyberg's case will see thousands of trials extended to allow
time for Edgelord pleas to be heard.
Among the first to use the
defence will be Kyle Spier (17) who is facing calls for a double
death penalty, and the prospect of being executed twice, for gunning
down a family of six and for causing extensive damage to a business
engaged in the practice of making donuts.
“Initially I pleaded
INsaNity which, on the advice of my team of lawyers, I insisted on
spelling with three capital letters as an indicator of my fractured
mental state,” Spier told a reporter for a rival news outlet.
“I have since instructed
my legal representation to incorporate the Nyberg defence into my
'not guilty' plea, which will see me tried in court as an Edgelord.
“My brazen act of mass
murder was an expression of my disdain for the nuclear family. If
just one person reads about my wanton killing spree and takes a few
moments out of their busy day to question whether the family unit
really is the best fit for America in the 21st century,
then my gun trolling will have been worthwhile. By driving a stolen,
bullet-riddled, blood-splattered station wagon through the plate
glass window of The Mayflower Donut Shoppe, while attempting to evade
pursuing police, I was commenting on current tropes in law
enforcement.”*
It is also likely that the
Edgelord ruling will result in a slew of appeals from convicted
criminals. The new legal precedent has already been greeted warmly by
law firms keen to bolster their profits during the final quarter of
2015. Benjamin Hannah from the Philadelphia-based partnership Hannah,
Hannah, Hannah, R. Hannah, Hannah and Karl said:
“The fruits of Sarah
Nyberg's finely-tuned legal mind will provide social justice to thousands who were wrongly labelled by the courts as depraved subhuman
assholes.
“I weep when I think of
all the former Edgelords who were denied this simple line of defence
at trial: The likes of Timothy McVeigh, Osama Bin Laden, Ted Bundy,
the Edgelord Voldemort, and an invading race of skateboarding aliens
known as The Edgelords, who were defeated by the superhero team The
Avengers in a pitched battle in the skies above Paris last year. All
were persecuted for the simple act of holding up a mirror up to our
society by acting like the biggest douchebags imaginable.
“I would like to take
this opportunity to remind potential clients that one does not need
to have been a teenager when engaged in Edgelord practices in order
to use the Nyberg defence. All that they must do is prove that they
were a teenager at heart when the offences took place.”
The Nyberg ruling is
likely to come as a relief to Sarah's celebrity supporters who have
publicly staked their reputations on her innocence in the face of
mounting evidence to the contrary. One celebrity who did not wish to
be named said:
“When I was informed
that Sarah Nyberg was not an unrepentant sexual predator, but had
made her salacious comments about her eight-year old cousin while
acting as an Edgelord, I immediately realised that this was the
reason why I had leapt so vehemently to her defence without full
knowledge of the facts.”
The race is now on to
define Edgelords in a manner that is easily explainable to juries –
a process known as the 'Law and Order SVU' test.
Professor Jonathan
Ramsgate who writes extensively on legal issues told MODE 5:
“Many, including myself,
are convinced that Edgelords are an immature larval stage of the
social justice warrior – an entity already enshrined in law as
having legal immunity to the consequences of their actions and the
tenets of rational argument, as well as being, to some extent,
unconstrained by the immutable universal laws of physics and
causality.”
The Edgelord ruling has
drawn criticism from senior figures within the legal profession,
among them the barrister Nicholas McKenzie who, upon being informed
of the details of the precedent while in the shower, was heard to
fling a half-empty bottle of conditioner at the tiled wall, before
remarking “What in the name of cunting Christ is this arsery?”
While vigorously towelling
himself off in his chambers, McKenzie added that the Nyberg defence
marked the point where “our increasingly asinine legal system
finally ascends into the unhallowed echelons of its own unwiped
areshole, where-in singular acts of the highest bastardry conceivable
to the human mind will be enacted on a hitherto unseen magnitude.”
A statement later issued
by McKenzie's law firm, clarifying his earlier remarks, read:
'Mr McKenzie passionately
believes that more needs to be done in legislative circles to
distinguish those who are acting as Edgelords from those who are defined
in law as trolls, douchebags, fucktards, imbeciles and wankers. Mr
McKenzie feels that at the moment there is too much similarity and
overlap between these disparate legal entities and that further steps
should be taken to clear up any confusion.'
* Kyle Spier has
since been acquitted of all charges. The FBI has released a photofit
of an Edgelord wanted in connection to the killings and the
desecration of a much-loved Donut shop (the latter currently being described by
the U.S. media as 'our Cecil the Lion moment').
He is described as wearing
a leather trench coat, dark glasses and brandishing a wicked-ass
katana.
Agent Kaufman of the FBI
told MODE 5:
“We have been notified
that this individual routinely carries on his person a bitchin'
cybernetic energy cannon that clamps onto his wrist like one of Iron
man's gloves. Given the unpredictable nature of this felon and his
predisposition towards extreme behaviour we are advising members of the
public not to approach him but to instead contact their nearest SWAT
team.
No comments:
Post a Comment