The United Nations has
formally allied itself with the social justice movement and will
devote its resources to tackling pressing global issues, such as
man-spreading and poverty among rainbow-haired hipsters in the
developed world.
This raft of measures
follows the formal induction of Quinnland, Sarkeesiland and The
Wutang Republic into the UN.
The move has been widely
interpreted by seasoned observers as a last ditch attempt to raise
the credibility of an organisation regarded by many as the C3P0 of
global diplomacy:- good at translation but, in a fire fight, prone to
shifting about awkwardly on the spot, like somebody fighting the urge
to urinate, while hesitantly raising their hands in the air in a robotic expression of stilted panic.
When called upon to
explain how three obscure countries had been allowed to jump the
queue and join the United Nations ahead of better established nation
states, UN delegate Niles Cromer said:
“When an entitled,
unemployed hipster living in San Francisco can't afford the rent on a
penthouse with a decent view overlooking the bay, we have a responsibility to take a
step back and ask ourselves what kind of world is it that we are
building for our children.
“Henceforth the pale
blue helmets worn by UN personnel, serving in conflict zones across
the world, should be regarded as the reinforced-Kevlar embodiment of
the bright-blue dyed hair that is commonly worn by our civilian allies in the
social justice movement.”
Asked to point to the
locations of Quinnland, Sarkeesiland, and The Wutang Republic on a
globe, Cromer responded:
“While what I have been
told about these countries by their leaders can, at times, appear to
stretch plausibly, and wildly contradicts itself on an almost daily
basis, I have been assured that these nations do exist in reality and
are eligible for the generous grants that we have provided to fund
soil irrigation and the construction of schools and hospitals.
“Unfortunately, under
the terms of a hastily drafted resolution, I am unable to disclose
the exact locations of our newest members. As of this morning,
revealing the whereabouts of these burgeoning nation states will be
regarded by the UN as an unprovoked act of invasion - one that will result
in offenders being put on trial for war crimes at The Hague.”
Cromer went on to
acknowledge that the UN had committed itself to tackling many of the
issues raised during a recent address given by a representative of
Quinnland:
“I can confirm that on
the advice of Empress Zoe the 1st of Quinnland, the UN has
pledged to eliminate the scourge of man-spreading. This wildfire
social epidemic will be tackled on a nation by nation basis, starting
with Syria.
“Only the other day I
was presented with a troubling photo image of a Syrian male who had
used an improvised explosive device to spread parts of his body
across a wide area, effectively rendering this public space
inaccessible to other members of the civilian population. This
antisocial behaviour simply has to stop.
“Did you know that when
a man splays his legs he occupies valuable space that could be used
in the cultivation of bamboo – a staple in the diet of pandas. Men
need to wake up and acknowledge the devastating impact their selfish
actions are having upon dwindling panda numbers.”
Cromer also confirmed that
the UN is working towards developing 'market friendly' solutions that
will address a looming financial crisis known as 'Peak Patreon' where
employable, upwardly-mobile individuals stop donating money to bone
idle millennials. Economists have predicted that, were this doomsday
scenario to occur, it would result in those who use Patreon to
support themselves being forced into low-paid jobs with skill-sets
graspable to those with degrees in Media Studies.
Former death row inmate
turned financial correspondent, James Seth Lynch, told MODE 5:
“While I generally
regard myself as an ardent critic of the UN, I fully support any
steps taken to ensure that those who currently rely on Patreon for an
income are not allowed to contaminate the jobs market. It is
imperative that we keep these socially corrosive individuals, who
taint everything that they come into contact with, away from the
service industry, where they are likely to shriek accusations of
harassment every time a customer asks them for a coffee.”
A paradigm shift
towards social justice?
The UN is just one of many
large organisations to have adopted a more social justice orientated
approach. In recent weeks the web media conglomerate, and aspiring
conqueror of outer space, Google, has also attempted to strengthen
ties with key figures within the SJW movement:
Company founder, Bradley
Google Jr. told a press conference:
“To our critics who say
that this is a bad move for Google, may I point out that we are first
and foremost a business: If the way that social justice warriors
spend money is comparable in both scale and frequency to the amount
of time and energy that they spend complaining about things, then I have
secured this company's growth for the next decade. Courting this
demographic was a no-brainer.
“To make Google a more hospitable place for those who have embraced social justice will
require a modicum of restructuring:
“Google circles, which
have been identified by biologists as among the few places on Earth
were no life can flourish, will be terraformed from barren online wastelands
into lush virtual gardens where the tenets of social justice can
blossom in hermetically sealed safe spaces.
“Furthermore, by
incorporating trigger warnings into our search engine algorithms and
then eliminating any problematic results, we can reduce the number of
sites that come up in the average Google search from hundreds of
thousands to the same two or three, saving our company billions of
dollars in the process.”
MODE 5 has learned that
social justice warriors who agree to the terms and conditions of
services provided by Google, but who are later found to have breached
these terms, will be allowed to retrospectively withdraw their
consent and take the company to court for forcing them to agree in
the first place.
Earlier this week a
contingent of prize winning social justice warriors visited the
Google Ideas Factory where they were informed of the changes that
were being made by the company.
Google Creativity
Supervisor, Anna Simmons, who gave the tour, told MODE 5:
“Google's strong
commitment to diversity means that it must willingly embrace the bad
ideas alongside the good.
“We have a corporate
duty to celebrate the genius that has allowed our species to land a
probe on a comet. Equally we must provide a platform to those who
vilified the man responsible for this momentous scientific
achievement because they felt threatened by the shirt that he was
wearing.”
A Social Justice
Spokes'ferson' who attended the tour, later blogged:
“It may seem odd that
anyone on the side of social justice would want anything to do with
Google: Especially given the revelation that Zoe Quinn is effectively
being stalked via a google alert that she set up to covertly monitor
the online activities of her ex-boyfriend, or should I say
'boy-fiend?'
“On the other hand I
haven't worked a proper job since I discovered that people would pay
me to sit around on my rapidly expanding beanbag of an arse all day
,while publishing the home addresses of my critics or instructing
them without irony to set themselves on fire.
“Since Google Plus is
apparently already a thing, that spares us the exhausting effort of
hectoring and browbeating the company into inventing it.”
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