Proponents of social
justice have vowed to strike a blow against sexism by purging all
large-breasted women from videogames. The campaign follows the
publication of a study that revealed the sight of amply-bosomed
females, either participating in videogaming, or portrayed as
characters in games, elicited increased misogynist responses from
observers.
In a series of experiments
participants were asked to watched large-breasted women playing a
modified version of Star Wars Battlefront 2, which
featured busty playable and non-playable female characters.
A control group watched
overweight, bare-chested men, who had developed man-boobs or 'moobs',
play through Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon, which was voted Least
Erotic Game of 2001.
The man behind the study,
Professor Adams, told MODE 5:
“I wanted to test a
theory dating to the time of Archimedes
of Syracuse: This speculates that breasts above a certain size will exert a gravitic pull on the male gaze,
which is effectively drawn into a binary orbit from which it cannot
easily escape.
“Archimedes
only had a stick, a short length of
string and the shadows cast by the harsh Mediterranean sun to work
with, whereas we had the advantage of access to actual breasts and
the finest diagnostic equipment a £38 per month Patreon fund can
buy. That Archimedes'
results so closely mirrored our own findings is an astonishing
testimony to the genius of the ancient Greeks.”
Fellow social scientists
have expressed concerns over the methodology of Adam's study which
has left many of those who took part feeling deeply traumatised:
Self-styled Social Justice
Crusader, Alan Avinger, said: “Prior to my participation in the
Breast Incitement Index Study I used the term 'progressive stack' in
its proper context to describe the social mechanism that allows the
voices of marginalised groups and individuals to be heard.
“After watching Alice –
a large-breasted, 23 year old, engineering graduate who runs her own
company and already has six patents to her name – guiding a busty
Ewok, clad in a bright-pink, D-cup bra, around the forest moon of
Endor, I was horrified to find myself using 'progressive stack' to
lasciviously describe a womyn's chest, while also expressing a strong
sexual desire to be on top of it.”
Avinger reported that,
upon returning to his apartment, he immediately locked his life-size
cardboard standees of Star Trek: The Next Generation characters, Counselor Deanna Troi and Doctor Beverley Crusher (the on-screen
mother of Wil Wheaton), in his closet before throwing the key out of
the window, in order protect them from any improper sexual advances
that he might visit upon them during his deranged mammary-induced
'pon farr'.
Avinger added:
“Science has transformed
me from a virtuous paladin of women's rights into the bestial
tit-crazed monster who stands before you. I have written to both
actresses and to all comic shops and Star Trek conventions in my
local area urging them to take out permanent restraining orders
against me.”
According to Professor
Adams the study also yielded some unexpected results:
“To our surprise the
increase in misogyny was not exclusively confined to men. Female
participants who were exposed to large breasts also began to exhibit
hostility and contempt towards their own gender.”
Mary Earwood told MODE 5:
“The experiment awakened the usually-dormant male side of my
personality who, of course, immediately began oppressing me. In the
aftermath I was horrified to find myself returning to the kitchen of
my home and making myself a sandwich.
“I am now suffering from
PTSD and am constantly being triggered by the sight of my own
breasts. The mere act of gazing down at my sizeable mammaries leaves
me consumed with hatred for members of my own gender, Katie Hopkins
in particular.
“To atone for my rampant
misogyny I have written an open letter of apology to Emmeline
Pankhurst which is to be published on the Comments Are Closed section
of The Guardian website.”
As debate rages over the
future of large-breasted women in videogames, according to Professor
Adams there is only one decisive course of action to be taken:
“To save women from
sexual discrimination we must eliminate those within the gender who
have wilfully sought to subvert the Platonic female form by growing
disproportionately large breasts.
“Just as our ancient
Homo sapien ancestors drove our Neanderthal cousins to extinction, so
too must all those who oppose the oppression of the female gender
seek to drive the scourge of busty women from videogaming.”
At the time of writing the
social justice community appeared divided over the appropriate
representation of breasts in the hobby. While a consensus
overwhelmingly favours smaller breasts, leaked chat logs have
revealed a creepy, highly vocal minority who are demanding that
flat-chested eight year old girls who look a bit like their cousins
are better represented by games developers.
Among the critics of the
study is noted sci-fi author Joel Meer, whose Sun Harpists of Dahl
trilogy is regarded as a thinly veiled satire of Adams' Utopian
ideals. In a Skype conversation he told MODE 5:
“My main concern is
whether the arbiter of what constitutes a large-breasted woman should
be a bald, russet-bearded man who resembles the kind of west country
farmer who might sell flagons of rough home-made apple cider to
groups of over-excited teenage boys on weekend camping trips in
Dorset.”
Evolutionary biologist,
Doctor Maximilian Kline points out that if Adam's recommendations
were to be acted upon they might dramatically alter the development
of the human race:
“It is possible that
women in the future will evolve smaller breasts so that they are able
to continue to participate in videogaming and find a mate within the
internet-based communities that crystallise around the hobby, which
my teenage nephew, Michael, assures me are total online fuck fests.
“If that were to be the
case then heterosexual women with large chests may find themselves
with limited opportunities to breed and a poor choice of potential
partners, having been denied access to the pool of alpha males who,
if my research is correct, can be found congregating on the secret
forums belonging to the Serenity Guild in World of Warcraft.”
Despite naysayers Adam's
study has been warmly welcomed by the mainstream media:
The social commentator,
Penny Dreadful, who describes herself as among the most intelligent human
beings ever to have walked the earth, said:
“What this study proves,
beyond any shadow of a doubt, is that men are constantly manhandling
women's breasts with their eyes, while at the same time telling these
woman to 'stop oppressing yourself'. Unfortunately this is true even
of men like George Orwell and the founder of the NHS - Aneurin
Bevan. I
think this eloquently proves the point that I was making, whatever
that point may be.”
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