A reading from Leaves
of Salt – a collection of Edo-period Japanese writings that
heavily influenced contemporary Social Justice Warrior culture –
brought low by a bad microphone and my poor enunciation. Full text of
the passage follows below the video.
An Edgelord violates Teineide
Ashika's prize oxen deep in the Torigna Forest
They
feasted for eight days. But on the ninth day the Shitlord, Teineide
Ashika, who ruled in the lands to the east, where the plains meet
with the horizon, and in the South where the great desert joins with
the Yellow Ocean, said to his men:
“Gather
yourselves into a hunting party. Let it comprise my five greatest
warriors whose names in syllables number 5,7,5,7,7.
The
men battled for 20 days for the honour of joining the hunting party
and to decide who among them, whose names in syllables numbered
either five or seven, was the greatest warrior. And many were slain.
And when, of the 800 men who had taken part in the battle, only five
remained standing, they formed a hunting party.
They
entered the Torigna Forest as a single column. At their lead rode the
Shitlord Teineide Ashika. Following behind him were his five greatest
generals who rode in battle formation, each according to the
syllables of his name. And they did this in deference to the spirits
of the trees who had specified as such in the terms and conditions
for entering the forest.
The hunting party
journeyed through the Torigna forest for three years but caught
nothing. After the third year had passed and, with the rising of the
sun, the first day of the new year had come into being, they entered
into a wide clearing among the trees. At the centre of the clearing
they saw a creature who stood upon its hind legs like a man, engaged
in an act of sexual congress with a male oxen.
The oxen's fur had been
dyed bright blue with the toxic juices of the soraberry. And Teineide
Ashika saw the brand that had been placed upon its body, which
identified the beast as his property, and he knew the beast by name,
and that it was 8 years of age, and he saw, hanging from the trees
behind it, drying water colours painted on sheets of rice paper that
depicted the oxen's exposed hind quarters, and its dangling
reproductive parts that had once been used to measure the extent of
his kingdom, which was over ten million semi-aroused oxen penises in
length and girth.
And having seen all of
this he drew his sword for he was of a singular purpose. And he spoke
to the creature:
“You who have defiled
this oxen which is my property and who, either by whim or by
perversion, you have dyed bright blue with the toxic juices of the
soraberry so that it might better resemble the women who dwell within
this forest, and who have braided its pubic hair in knots that are
known only to the inhabitants of this province, have stolen from the
beast its honour. And for these crimes I will stand as your
executioner.”
But as he raised his sword
his second in command rushed forward and stayed his master's hand.
And Teineide
Ashika spoke to him:
“You who are among my
number and who have pledged lifelong allegiance to my noble house
have stilled my hand as it falls with singular purpose to reclaim
lost honour. In acknowledgement of your naked treachery I will add
your body to those of the slain and from here-on will rain down
curses upon your family's name and they shall know no peace.”
But his second in command
spoke:
“Master, the man who you
see before you, standing balls deep in oxen man-pussy, is an
Edgelord. He is protected by the spirits of social justice who dwell
within these woods and we may not harm him.”
Then the Edgelord spoke:
“Know that I defiled
your oxen before all the creatures of the forest and dyed its hair
blue with the toxic juices of the soraberry so that it better
resembled the women who dwell within these woods, and painted water
colours of my carnal acts to share with my Edgelord friends and on
4chan. And know that I did this for the lulz and to bring great
dishonour upon this oxen and his noble lineage. And know that, though
my power level is below 8, you cannot harm me without angering the
spirits who command this place.”
Then Teineide
Ashika, having slain his second in command with a single
stroke of his sword and re-sheaved the blade, turned to his remaining
men and spoke:
“Foul and contemptible
though this creature that may be, there is no honour to be gained
from standing as the author of its death.”
Then he spoke to the oxen:
“I hereby discharge you from my service and from the service of
those generations who follow after me. Henceforth you must wander
this realm and pledge fealty to no master, and though you may seek
retribution for the foul acts that have been committed against you,
and may train your children in the arts of Ninjutsu, you must do so
far from these lands for your presence here brings dishonour upon my
noble house.”
And so the oxen left the
forest and journeyed high into the mountains to where the peaks meet
with the sky and was raised piece by piece by eagles, up into the
clouds until all that remained of him was his breath and this became
the east wind.
And the birds of the
forest twittered the story of the Edgelord who in the brazen act of
fucking an oxen had bested Teineide
Ashika – who was mightiest of all the Shitlords.
But the spirit of the
forests who favoured the Edgelord said to the loudest of these birds:
“You shall not speak of
what you saw to man or beast, or sing of it over the swaying
grasslands, or in the dankest depths of the fuck caverns. And for
your transgression you shall banished from this forest and may return
only when the moon blossoms glisten with Autumn salt.”
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