Thursday, 29 January 2015

(SATIRE) Celebrities to women of Gamergate: Stop harassing yourselves

Trigger Warning: Humorists who punch down usually end up hitting themselves in the foot.

A TV scriptwriter, who has been described behind his back as “Doctor Who's embarrassing bigoted uncle” has taken to Twitter in an attempt to save women from harassing themselves online.

Gerald Lardon, whose previous screen-writing credits include House full of Catholics and There are nerds living in the basement where I work, said: “Gamergate is, by my own definition, a misogynist hate movement. Therefore any woman who claims to be a supporter of Gamergate is also a misogynist and fully committed to driving herself off twitter with a sustained campaign of harassment and death threats.”

Changing tack slightly, Lardon continued:

I have just this moment confirmed with myself that 100% of the women in Gamergate are actually men with very small penises, who have mistaken themselves for women. That is why they are angry all the time.

Because they aren't proper women I am allowed to talk down to them and call them idiots if they disagree with me.”

Reverting to his original premise, Lardon added:

I call upon all women in Gamergate to embrace the feminine virtues of temperance and modesty of opinion, and to end their pathological self abuse.”

Gamergate supporter, Margaret Lapper - a time travelling suffragette who commutes to contemporary London from the year 1912 on stream-powered penny-farthing – said:

Mr Lardon accosted me in the street outside St Pancras railway station in a blur of tweed, leather elbow patches and pipe smoke. He was extremely belligerent and demanded several times that I stop harassing myself. At the same time he attempted to force a placard into my hands that read: 'Down with women.'

Fortunately I was able to take refuge in the British Library. The myriad points of view represented in the library's collection of over 14 million volumes are overwhelming for a man of Mr Lardon's dogmatic leanings, and he cannot enter without his head spontaneously combusting.”

Lardon is one of many celebrities to identify Gamergate as the earthly embodiment of pure evil.

Among the movement's chief critics is the screenwriter and director Julian Weary, whose new movie - Umberto the Robot Turns 14 –  charts a young robot's development from childhood to puberty, and was painstakingly filmed over 12 years.

In a lengthy statement on Twitter, that took full advantage of the bonus characters accrued by his confirmed celebrity status, Weary said:

Gamergate claims to be about ethics in games journalism. In fact it is a vile consortium of terrorist organisations, rogue dictatorships and hate groups, who have joined forces with the shared goal of driving women out of the video gaming industry. This includes organisations such the KKK, ISIS, and the Hitler Youth.”

Weary's statement has surprised many fans of his work. Kenyan law student, Kito Owiti, said:

As someone who has openly supported Gamergate on the understanding that it is about raising ethical standards in games journalism, I was surprised to learn from Julian Weary that all this time I have in fact been a participating member of the KKK – a white supremacist group with a long history of racially-motivated violence. To protect myself from my own toxic racism I have, as a precautionary measure, reported myself to the police and will be seeking a restraining order against myself at the earliest opportunity."

Back in the UK, the battle to silence Gamergate has been taken up by Chesterfield Bloke – A social commentator whose 'angry man attempts to induce an early coronary by shouting at his TV' schtick has inspired copycat shows in which members of the public are filmed shouting at their TVs.

Bloke said:

When I was young I would spend hours cultivating a set of values based on opinions that I formed by carefully weighing up the available evidence. I used the knowledge I acquired to launch insightful satirical attacks on privileged targets, which I punctuated by gurning at the camera and blowing raspberries.

Thankfully I can now afford to outsource this tiresome business to a consultancy firm and purchase a set of values more in keeping with the ones held by the people who finance my various TV projects. This includes my ongoing series of highbrow finger-wagging morality tales, which I write by removing the animals from Aesop's Fables and replacing them with Apple computer products and human actors.

Bloke continued:

I have painted all the mirrors in my home black as I can no longer bear to look myself in the eye.”

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