Sunday, 22 March 2015

Where were you when you heard Gamergate is kill? One man's moving experience

> Be five
> Be at school
> Learning to push different-shaped coloured blocks through tight wooden holes
> Sex education rules
> Also learning basic numeracy and literacy
> Teacher writes 'Gamergate is kill' on blackboard
> No

> Be six
> Get Power Droid Star Wars Action figure
> Power level now exceeds 9000
> Mother: “Share some of your power level with your little brother”
> “But Mum!”
> Share power level with little brother. Personal Power level now at 6000
> Read no longer mint condition Power Droid packaging:
> 'Suitable for ages 4 and up'
> 'Made in Taiwan'
> 'Gamergate(TM) is kill'
> No

> Be eight
> Typing code from library book into BBC Model B micro computer
> Worth it just so I can play awesome moon lander game for five minutes
> Gonna land this fucker on 32kb of pure RAM, bitches
> Line 320 Print “Gamergate is Kill”
> Line 330 Goto line 350
> Line 340 No
> Line 350 Blocked

> Be teenager
> April 1st
> Best friend tells me “Gamergate is no kill”
> Me: “WTF? When?”
> “Actually April Fool. Really Gamergate is kill”
> No

> Be 17
> Two things I hate most: When people say “Gamergate is kill” and Cornflake Girl by Tori Amos
> About to have sex
> Remove robe and wizard hat
> Girl: “Gamergate is kill. Put CD single of Cornflake Girl by Tori Amos on repeat and let's celebrate.”
> Erection is also kill
> No

> Be dreaming
> Be drinking with Leigh Alexander
> Leigh orders mineral water / chats pleasantly using her indoor voice
> Wake up
> Leigh Alexander points to the Mediterranean region on world map.
> Leigh: “This is Sparta”
> Still dreaming
> wake up again
> Leigh Alexander: “Gamergate is kill”
> No

> Be watching Revenge of the Sith at the cinema
> Be too old for this shit
> Someone runs into the theatre: “Gamergate is kill”
> Nooooooooooooooooooo!
> Also “Do not want.”

> Be Muggle
> Be reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
> Snape: “Gamergate is Kill”
> No
> Spoilers

> Be at hospital
> Doctor: “The test results have come back and I'm afraid that it's bad news: Gamergate is kill.”
> Me: “What's the prognosis?”
> Doctor: “Kill”
> No
> Doctor: “The first stage of grief is denial”
> Me: “No it isn't”

> Be dead
> Be in heaven
> Ask Saint Peter: “Where is the ghost of Gamergate who is kill?”
> Saint Peter: “Gamergate is no kill”
> Ghost of Mark Twain: “Reports of Gamergate is kill have been greatly exaggerated”
> Ghost of Sir Alec Guinness: “Gamergate is what gives a Gamer their power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us none sexually. It binds the galaxy together”
> Drink whiskey with St Peter and the ghosts of Mark Twain and Sir Alec Guinness
> Get tattoos of anchors and mermaids to celebrate Gamergate is no kill
> Gamergate is no kill

Monday, 16 March 2015

(SATIRE) Leigh Alexander: “God has instructed me to build an ark”

Leigh Alexander, has confirmed that she stepped down from Gamasutra after her services were called upon by a higher power.

The self-described human megaphone told a small crowd of disciples:

God has instructed me to build an ark. I am to fashion this ship from gopher wood – literally the erect penises of small prairie-dwelling rodents. There will be rooms within the ark. These will pitched within and without with pitch in accordance with current hipster thought on interior d├ęcor. Once on board we will drink from jam jars and serve food in flower pots or in some other quirky container. The ark will be 300 cubits long, 50 cubits wide, and 30 cubits high.”

A source working on the project told MODE 5 that, contrary to God's instructions which comprise detailed blueprints, a list of accredited tradespeople and a carefully planned budget with funds available to address delays and unanticipated expenses, Alexander plans to construct her ark using parts taken from other sea-going vessels, altered slightly to make them less easy to identify by their former owners. 


When asked about the motivations for building the ark, Alexander responded:

It cannot have escaped anyone's notice that salt-water levels are continuing to rise. For reasons not yet understood by science this upsurge is highest in areas where those who are sympathetic to the cause of social justice tend to congregate. If this continues then the flood threatens to become a torrent that will sweep us all away.

To preserve the very best that humanity has to offer I will allow two of every minority into the belly of my privilege ark. CIS white males who are pre-eminent in the field of shipbuilding may contribute to the construction of the ark on a voluntary basis but will not be permitted to seek solace within and will drown with the rest of the scum.”

At the time of writing a large number of angry, impotent, bearded young men had already volunteered their services to the project.

Alexander continued:

Our plan is to voyage aimlessly for 40 days and 40 nights by which time we expect the misogynist CIS white males who allied themselves with Gamergate will have been purged from the land.”

Media commentators who couldn't think of anything more interesting to write about are already comparing Alexander's odyssey to Jenn Frank's self-imposed 19 day exile from journalism.

Games blogger Colin Thrift who proudly describes himself as a dual class White Knight / Wizard said:

The time Leigh spends in her wooden echo chamber adrift upon the briny wilderness is likely to transform her into a messianic figure - like Gandhi re-imagined by a focus group as more obnoxious and in your face.”

Another source who refused to be named said:

By the time we weigh anchor, 40 days from now, this whole Gamergate shit storm will have blown over. Leigh will be able to ditch the ark, call in some favours and maybe secure a column on some high end clickbait site like The Guardian.”

Leigh Alexander refusing to leave ark.

Leigh Alexander is refusing leave the ark where she has spent the past 40 days and 40 nights, despite fears that the badly leaking vessel is sinking.

The unseaworthy craft which has remained moored in the Port of San Francisco ever since its launch is currently being kept afloat by a pyramid of whales.

A booming disembodied voice emanating from the heavens told MODE 5:

God sent unto Ms Alexander a dove bearing an olive branch in its beak, as confirmation of a safe space, where she and her people will be granted the liberty to hector anyone who disagrees with their world-view, while they remain unscathed from reprisals. Alexander made it known that, on principle, she would not accept a token of good faith from a CIS white male dove and will stay on board the ark for the foreseeable future. We have advised her to evolve gills as a matter of urgency.”

A statement from the ark was delayed while the occupants worked out a hierarchy that would allow the least privileged crew member to speak first. The spokesperson criticised the rainbow, that had been offered by God as a sign of commitment to the principles of social justice, as not being diverse enough:

We feel that this is an inappropriate image; one that fails to embody the experiences of those resident on the ark and therefore imposes a false narrative,” they said.

They added that image of the rainbow used in this contest was “disturbingly penetrative.”

Alexander was later seen leaning over the deck rail of the badly listing ark bellowing at some seagulls: “You don't need God! God is dead!”

God confirmed to MODE 5 that negotiations with the crew of the ark, which had previously taken place publicly on social media, had stalled:

It would appear that I have been mass-reported by Ms Alexander and her friends for making abusive posts on Twitter. I am currently locked out of my account pending an investigation,” said the immortal and unfathomable being as it moved upon the face of the waters.

Wednesday, 11 March 2015

(SATIRE) Josh McIntosh's prize-less Bingo leads to riots across the UK

Towns across the UK are counting the cost this morning after a night of rioting that saw police pelted with Bingo dabbers and fold-away chairs.

The trouble started during a game of Male Video Game Protagonist Bingo when the maverick caller Josh McIntosh announced that there would be no prizes.

The moment I stood up and triumphantly shouted 'Bingo!' at the top of my voice was the one of the proudest of my life, rivalled only by the birth of my sixth daughter,” said retired professional ice-skater Sarah 'Queen of Blades' Kerrigan (77).

I fully expected to be ushered onto the stage where a revolving platform would reveal the bounty I had earned through a deft combination of skill and lightning reflexes. When the homunculus who had been calling out the numbers informed me that the prize was my freshly-gained insight into limiting toxic patterns and that we were all winners I went berserk and attempted to strangle him. As my friends dragged me away I was ranting incoherently about Mrs Aran's daughter-in-law who won a BMW in the national Bingo game last month.”

Witnesses to the fracas stated that McIntosh had initially attempted to restore order. Concessions stand worker Bob Burtt said: “Josh attempted to pacify the baying mob, arguing that by surrendering to their violent impulses they were falling into the trap of externalising the aggressive tropes embodied by the cis white male identity. People in the crowd were throwing chairs and yelling at him to cite precedent and peer-reviewed sources. Eventually he fled.”

Amelia Croft (93) told MODE 5 that she relies on Bingo prizes to maintain an acceptable standard of living after her only daughter was sentenced to 30 years in a Peruvian jail for plundering sites of archaeological interest and shooting condors.

I was incensed,” she said. “If I wanted to learn more about limiting toxic patterns I would have taken one of the numerous evening classes or Open University courses on the subject.”

Other admitted that McIntosh's behaviour earlier in the game had aroused their suspicions. Juri Han (54) said: “I could tell that something was wrong when he began using non-standard Bingo calls such as 'Brianna Wu, number two'. Mark my words he will pay a high price for his flagrant disregard of the established tropes of Tuesday Night Bingo. Just wait until my daughters Bayonetta and Bayonetta Two hear about this.”

Budding reporter Jason McFadden who has followed the activities of McIntosh and his charitable organisation Feminist Frequency, said that he was not surprised by the new developments:

Bingo is the latest in a long list of fun activities to be hijacked by Feminist Frequency and used as a Trojan horse for their Orwellian programme of social engineering. If you want an idea of where they will strike next then write down all the things you really enjoy – chances are it will be one of those. My money is on roller-coasters, ice-cream or the new Avengers movie.”

This morning a spokesperson for Feminist Frequency urged calm:

We would like to reassure the people of Great Britain that no one is going to take away your Bingo. We simply want to eliminate the prize winning element and drain any vestiges of fun from the experience with a view to increasing educational content.”

The actions of McIntosh have caused divisions among the ordinarily cohesive social justice community. Sarah Applewhite of the San Francisco-based think tank Selective Analogues said:

Male Video Game Protagonist Bingo is clearly an unsuitable edutainment activity for people who are old enough to recall fighting fascism and therefore hardened to propaganda. Ideally this game should be deployed in a classroom setting where it can be used as a learning tool for children aged five or under, and perhaps disguised as a fun game to teach numbers.”