Thursday, 14 July 2016


This entry marks the 100th post on the MODE 5 blog, which was established in October 2014 to lampoon the grasping and duplicitous social justice movement, who had fixed their sights on the videogaming community probably imagining that it would be an easy target.

The title of the blog dates back to my first computer - a BBC model B micro which came with a whopping 32k of memory. Programming on the BBC was carried out in a series of different modes. MODE 5 produced large blocky pixels and became an expression used by me and my brothers to explain away moments of idiocy, e.g. "I must have been in MODE 5 when I pipetted ice cold water onto that hot light bulb." 

This blog is now closed and there will be no further entries.

I will continue to support GamerGate and its expanded mandate to promote ethical behaviour, not only in the gaming press, but across all media platforms, and in the videogaming industry. However, I have other writing commitments that must take precedence. Also, it has become clear that the likes of Anita Sarkeesian, Zoe Quinn, Brianna Wu, Randi Harper, etc, do not need any assistance in making themselves look ridiculous. When Jonathan McIntosh is comfortable sermonising on the similarities between Pokemon Go and dog fighting, you have to accept that your targets have moved themselves beyond the reach of satire. With that in mind, MODE 5 has probably run its course.

At some point I will begin adding a notes to the beginning of each post that explains what was going on at the time and what exactly I was attempting to make fun of. 

I would like to thank anybody who visited this blog and took the time to read it.

If you would like to know more about GamerGate you would do well to visit the DeepFreeze website. This provides a very user-friendly breakdown of the events of the past couple of years and has links to archived sources, including a lot of material that has been deleted from the internet by individuals attempting to cover their tracks.

~ backwards7

(Satire) The casebook of Jonathan McIntosh: Hard-boiled Cultural Detective

This episode: The Gay Greek!

There are a million stories in the naked city. During peak tourist season that number might run as high as 1.5 million. I don't know the exact figure. Go look it up on Wikipedia.

New York in July: The ying and the yang of it, distilled to the hot-pink neon sign of a feminist bookshop reflecting in a cooling puddle of soy latte outside an artisan bakery. I watched from the second floor window as the wheel of a passing unicycle ploughed through the centre of the mirror image, scattering the dancing light to the edges like a shoal of gaily-coloured transexual fish evading the predatory lunge of a Great White cis-gendered shark.

Everything to the north of here was a safe space. Rows of apartment buildings dating back to the Taft presidency, fashioned from play-doh by the beaten-down male allies of a lesbian queefing circle. A fainting couch on every corner. An Olympic-size ball pit where they staged the water events in the 2012 oppression games. The bulls patrolled the area with boxes of kittens and puppies. Some mugg catcalls you in the street - well here's a baby cat for the boo boos on your feels.

Downtown, the ugly face of misogyny pressed itself obscenely against the soiled windows of the soul, like a man projecting his inadequacies onto a display of Barbie Dolls in a toy shop. I've seen things here that would make you turn around on the spot and drag your wheeled suitcase across country, back to your wholefood collective in San Francisco: Men sitting on public transport with their knees three inches apart. Boy scouts as young as eight, holding doors open for women old enough to be their mothers. Hell, some of those clucks might have even been their mothers.

I turned my face away from the Venetian blinds. The dame lounging on the opposite side of the dimly-lit office was wearing the shadows like a tarpaulin draped over a 1970s Volvo. She had a figure like a squat tumbler of water. In the battle of wills between my male gaze and her gams it wasn't clear which one would quit first.

Mr McIntosh, did you ever lose something?”

Sure toots, I've lost plenty.”

For instance...”

My former partner keeps my nads in a jar.”

She raised one painted-on eyebrow in an affected display of surprise. A real Mona Lisa this one.

And where does he keep the jar?”

He was a she, and that ain't a thing for a lady to be asking.”

Oh, I'm no lady. You'll realise that when you get to know me a little better... A lot better if you play your cards right.”

I never was very good at poker.”

And what is your game Mr McIntosh?”

Again with the raised eyebrow.

I've always enjoyed netball.”

You're a smart-mouthed little egg, ain't ya.”

You don't know the half of it doll-face.”

Lost for words, she flung a photograph onto the desk. A good looking blonde. Dark glasses. Hawaiian shirt open at the neck.

My husband, Milo Yiannopoulos. I need you to find him.”

Sure, I knew Milo. Everybody did. The Greek gadfly. Owned a chain of Halal kebab restaurants back in blighty. A preening jasper in public but I'd seen the marriage certificates to Lena Dunham and Jessica Valenti. He played up the gay angle for the press, but behind closed doors Milo was straighter than the creases in Bill Clinton's pyjama bottoms on his wedding night.

When did he last make contact?”

He posted a selfie on Twitter half an hour ago. Then nothing. It's completely out of character... And there's another thing.”

She pulled something hairy from her handbag and tossed it in my direction. I had drawn my revolver and put three slugs into it before it landed on top of the photograph.

It's' his toupee. He left it behind... I'm worried that it might be Tay Tay – I hear that she collects men.”

I returned my gun to its shoulder holster. Standing by the window I prised apart two of the slats in the blind. On the street corner below, a man was spending the extra 23 cents he had made as a result of the gender pay gap on a cronut and a flavoured coffee with whipped cream on top. My father drank cappuccino's with unicorns drawn in the foam his entire life. Thank god that he didn't live to see this.

I'll take the case,” I said. “One hundred a day plus expenses. Five days in advance.”

I counted out five hundred dollars in notes and handed it to her.

I'll be touch miss...”

It's Harper. Randi Harper.”

After she was gone I sat for a while in the darkness watching the ice slowly dissolve in my beaker of apple juice. There were a million stories in the naked city and practically all of them were sexist. Now that I had agreed to take the case there were a million and one.

From across the street the cries of a white, cis-gendered male baby, who had failed to check his privilege, drowned out the voices of the oppressed. 

Sunday, 3 July 2016

(Satire) Studio execs fear that the makers of Star Trek Beyond are not doing enough to insult their potential audience

Fears that the makers of Star Trek Beyond are not doing enough to alienate the film's potential audience have spilled out of the boardroom, and onto the internet, like the ugly bar-room brawl scene that opens Tron 3: The Sisterhood of the Travelling Virtual Pants.

Sony studio head-nodder, and Ghostbusters 2016 executive producer, Chad Anderton Jr, said: “I have yet to see anything in the Star Trek Beyond marketing that is deliberately insulting to fans, or to people who might be curious about the movie. Admittedly the trailers weren't particularly great, almost as if they didn't include the main plot points and the best parts of the film. Clearly that's a mistake rather than anything malicious. Other than the release of the theme song by Rihanna, the thrust of the promotional campaign seems to have been: 'You might enjoy this film if you like Star Trek or science fiction.' What the fuck are these people playing at?

As anyone who had a crush on somebody at school knows, the best way to get them to go out with you is to punch them hard in the shoulder. In terms of the marketing for Ghostbusters, we felt that the best way to build hype for the movie was for its stars to appear on TV chat shows openly ridiculing the critics of the film's trailers as 45 year old, unemployed losers, who live in their parent's basements and have never known the touch of woman.

Nerds form a big part of the audience that the Ghostbusters reboot is aimed at and our market research shows that this demographic responds best to bullying and humiliation."

A leaked email from Sony has revealed that the company is also exploring legal options that might compel individuals who have expressed a reluctance to see Ghostbusters, to attend a cinema screening under the threat of a lawsuit. The email reads:

In order to more fully evaluate our position if members of the public decline to engage with “Ghostbusters”, to panic-buy action figures, or to purchase an extra large tub of slime green popcorn, it has been requested that we identify “aggressive” litigation counsel with whom we can consult to evaluate our alternatives and strategize.”

45 year old shut in Michael J Evans said:

Nothing makes me want to see a film more than when its wealthy and successful cast publicly shame and ridicule the direction that my life has taken, while demanding that I spend the little money that I have on the humiliation of watching their shameless studio cash as an act of redemption for being such a sad loser. I guess that its time to venture upstairs. I hope there is a good exchange rate on Good Boy Points against the dollar.”

Evans added

Maybe the film will be okay. I mean, judging by the trailers, the plot of the original 84 movie is mostly still there. Plus if you squint really hard, Melissa McCarthy kind of looks like Harold Ramis.” 

Wednesday, 29 June 2016

(SATIRE) “Everybody is stupid” claims Sargon of Akkad

Sargon of Akkad, the self-styled Semitic Emperor of the Akkadain Empire, turned moderately-successful YouTuber, has abandoned informed and rational debate in favour of calling everybody an idiot.

Adopting an exasperated rhetorical style of inquiry that is favoured by the parents of five year old children, the usurper to the throne of King Ur-Zababa of Kish asked his critics: “Are you all stupid?”

Sargon demanded that I tell him whether I was 'fucking stupid', indicating his belief that I have ascended to a higher tier of stupidity than is normal,” said Brenda O'Neill, whose speculation on whether the Brexit has set the United Kingdom on a downward course of diminishing wealth and international influence, earned herself the ire of the hipster-bearded captor of the Sumerian King, Lugal-zage-si.

Architect, Tim Otter, was singled out as a “total moron” by the agitated despoiler of the city of Kazalla, after quoting from Lincoln's “A house divided...” speech in his Twitter feed, in a manner that was dismissive of the 'leave' campaign in the EU referendum.

Having prefaced his counter-argument with some personal insults concerning my perceived low level of intelligence, Sargon made some very vague and uninformed comments about putting up supporting walls. It was not clear to me whether he was describing a metaphorical house, or an actual house that he is in the process of building. As a precaution I advise that you do not employ this man to design your home, as it is likely to fall down.”

Responding to Otter, Sargon, the self-anointed priest of the sky father Anu, said: “At least I will be sovereign master over my own mound of British rubble.”

German professor of German, Kyle Youngstedt, has been following Sargon at the 100 metre distance specified in his restraining order (German rationalism has been proven to have a maximum range of 80 metres, even when the wind is favourable). He told MODE 5:

Just as our treacherous bodies willingly take in carbon monoxide that prevents our blood from absorbing oxygen, so too does our burgeoning hubris reduce our capacity for common sense and good judgement. Sargon's decline began with a sexual slur against a pubic figure that was, in a way, reminiscent of the kind of drunken face-saving one does in the company of friends at the pub, after being shut down by an attractive woman.

He may have hoped that the attention this poor choice of words garnered him on social media would broaden his appeal beyond YouTube. In reality all that he did was alienate people outside of his immediate circle who might have previously listened to him, but who have now dismissed him as a crank and have closed the door.

Here we see a man who, by virtue of his own enhanced twattery in front of his mates, has somehow managed to lock himself inside his own home.”

Self-confessed Sargon fan and resident of Stevenage, Kevin Davey, said:

Sargon is a master tactician who plans to increase his popularity further by securing an appearance as a guest on his own rolling YouTube compilation show 'A Week In Stupid,' which is a bit like 'Gogglebox' crossed with 'You've Been Framed'. The channel has a lot of viewers so being featured on it, and subjected to his own world-weary diatribe, is bound to increase his profile.”

Lapsed Sargon supporter and ardent Steely Dan fanatic, Dr Colin Wu, took a more pessimistic view:

For years Sargon has been harvesting salt. It is my considered medical opinion that his long term exposure to it has turned his once superfine mind to corned beef.”

Commenting on his critics, the Mesopotamian despot, whose latter reign was devoted to brutally quashing the rebellious uprisings of kingdoms who had fallen under his undemocratic, iron-fisted rule, said:

I wouldn't rape any of you.” 

Thursday, 23 June 2016

(SATIRE) Zoe Quinn: 'Famous Five' author, Enid Blyton, was a GamerGater

Enid Blyton, the author of the popular 'Famous Five' books, has been exposed as a god-tier shitlord and an avid supporter of the terrorist hate group, GamerGate.

The disturbing claims were made by Zoe Quinn, the teal-haired originator of victimbux – a hyper-inflated virtual currency that has been described by economists as “what might theoretically happen if bitcoin got blind drunk one night and impregnated the Zimbabwean dollar.”

Quinn was spotted yesterday, raving on her Twitter account:

What the fuck did I ever do to you, Blyton, that y'all had to make my suffering into a fucking joke.”

She added that she was tired of being trolled by long-dead celebrity figures from the past who could not be dog-piled by her supporters and hounded off social media.

Blyton, who died in 1968, penned 21 novels in her Famous Five series that followed the bucolic escapades of Julian, Dick, Anne, Georgina, and their dog, Timmy, as they romped across rural England having jolly adventures, foiling the attempts of smugglers to bypass import duty, and picnicking in peach orchards on lashings of hard-boiled eggs and jugs of lemonade.

However, the seemingly innocent books have drawn criticism from those who claim that the title of the series is a blatant reference to Quinn's sexual infidelities with five men, some of whom worked in the videogaming industry and who are alleged to have given her Depression Quest text adventure favourable coverage as a result.

This is in unbelievably poor taste. Blyton obviously had friends living in 2014 who told her about GamerGate. The Famous Five books are a running joke at the expense of Zoe Quinn,” said part-time scarecrow, Brianna Wu.

Others attempted to match the members of the Famous Five with their real-life counterparts:

Clearly Nathan Grayson is Timmy the dog. I suppose Kyle Pulver could be Anne because he kind of looks like he has a vagina. After that it's anybody's guess,” mused based college student Marc Berson.

Miles White, a practising celebrity stalker who works as a Professor of Taylor Swift Studies at the University of Missouri, counselled sympathy for the embattled Quinn:

Zoe made a terrible mistake five times in succession, before attempting to silence her innocent boyfriend using laws that were designed to project the victims of violence from their tormentors. However we must remember that, at the heart of this, there is a troubled young woman for whom the mere exposure to the number five triggers gruesome flashbacks to the sight of Nathan Grayson, naked apart from a satin waistcoat and a steam punk pocket watch. We must remember that, in some nightmare parallel universe, Zoe Quinn could be our daughter.”

Among the cultural phenomenon, that have been cited by Quinn as forming part of a cruel GamerGate in-joke, are:

- The American pop group – The Jackson Five

- The stage musical - Five Guys Named Moe

- The instrumental jazz number - Take Five

- The American teen drama – Party of Five

- The final instalment in Peter Jackson's Hobbit trilogy - The Battle of Five Armies.

Sprawling human tumour, turned online critic, Movie Bob, said:

If Peter Jackson had handled his shit properly and reduced the number of armies in the film by one, then Zoe Quinn would not have been triggered and the Hobbit trilogy would have been an hour shorter. Only when all references to the number five are removed from our cultural entertainment, and from our maths and science books, will Zoe be able to safely return to the home that she fled from in 2014.”

At the time of going to press the book publisher, Swirly Wren, had announced plans to release a further installment in Blyton's cherished saga, titled: The Famous Five Attend A Mandatory Sexual Consent Class At The University Of York.

Friday, 29 April 2016

(SATIRE) Anti-harassment campaign groups stage inaugural war games

Groups who campaign against online harassment have tested their readiness to battle internet trolls by staging a series of war games.

Forces from three anti-bullying groups took part in the games, deploying tried and tested online harassment techniques against each other in a battle royale.

The early stages of the simulation saw Crash Override Network (CON), headed by General Zoe Quinn, form an alliance with General Randi Harper. CON is rumoured to specialise in carrying out black ops, although next to nothing is known of its activities. Harper's mercenary group has previously taken credit for destabilising the free speech platforms of her ideological opponents. The two joined forces against General Candace Owens, whose SocialAutopsy website aims to build a public database of people who are alleged to have engaged in online harassment, with the end goal of exposing their purported activities to their families and employers.

Organisers of the games told MODE5:

In the past, Generals Harper and Quinn have pitted their armies against the family of a debt collector, an isolated colony of wizards, and an organisation that works to promote opportunities for female videogame designers. The games will assess their preparedness to fight a war against online trolls and harassers, when they finally get around to doing that.”

The early stages of the skirmish saw the Harper/Quinn alliance softening their opponent with psychological warfare techniques, which included tearful phone calls and a good cop/bad cop strategy. They subsequently targeted SocialAutopsy's revenue streams and mobilized civilians into guerrilla cells to carry out “attack and fade” strikes on SA personal.

Critics remarked that SocialAutopsy did not seem to be aware of the existence of the games prior to the beginning of simulated hostilities, and were immediately forced into a defensive position from which they found it difficult to recover.

Susan Silk, who witnessed the battle while taking a short cut home across the internet, told our reporter:

My boy, Daniel, asked me: 'Mummy, who are the goodies and who are the baddies?'

I replied: 'I don't know son, I don't know.'”

Brigadier Colinbury who acted as an adjudicator for the war games noted disturbing failures of intelligence on both sides, resulting in poor decision making. One security breach in the Harper/Quinn tactical command centre saw the two panicked Generals racing to delete classified material before it could be scrutinised by the enemy.

Colinbury added:

There no winners in war, but that statement is even more true in this case. Quinn and Harper are unimaginative tacticians with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer being swung in the direction of a wall and missing. Owens' falls into the category of aspirant benign dictator, unaware of how utterly monstrous her plans for social revolution are. Mutually assured destruction has never been more well-deserved. Now, how about a nice game of chess?”  

Thursday, 14 April 2016

(Satire) Problematic tumbleweeds to be expelled from NeoGAF forums

Image credit: ImperfectTommy / Edmond Meinfelder
Tumbleweeds colonising the emptying hallways and deserted echo chambers of the NeoGAF forums will be expelled from the site by moderators, and will not be allowed to re-enter.

The invasive weeds, which are thought to have been introduced to NeoGAF by junior account holders, sympathetic to GamerGate, were seen rolling against the direction of moderator-approved opinion, and therefore contravening the forum's stringent terms and conditions.

A spokesperson for NeoGAF said:

These roving diaspores are sowing the seeds of free thought across the forums. As of today I intend send a clear message that I will not be taken advantage of, or treated as a mark, by sexually assaulting any tumbleweed I encounter.” 

NeoGAF is regarded as the North Korea of gaming websites. The site's 'inclusive forum experience' eugenics program seeks to expel dissident factions, until membership comprises a community of moderators who will breed with each other to produce the next generation of social justice warrior.