McIntosh doesn't want to take away your Christmas presents

TRIGGER WARNING: This unintended work of satire was created during a prolonged typing accident when my fingertips repeatedly slipped on a greasy keyboard. Anyone wishing to comment should do so in reverse order of privilege. This is a safe space so no queue-jumping please.

~

Social justice avenger, Joshua McIntosh, doesn't want to take away your Christmas presents. He just wants to replace them with better ones.

Speaking from a red leatherette-clad booth in the San Francisco-based 'Progressive Stack Pancake House' (where the burned and misshapen pancakes are eaten first) the blandly-featured poster-boy for the social justice movement said:

“Every year Santa Claus emerges from his Arctic bolt-hole and embarks upon a one day global campaign that strikes at the heart of social justice, handing out gifts to children that legitimise the concepts of misogyny and intolerance.

“Even his favoured mode of delivery, entering homes via a tight, sooty chimney before jamming as many presents as possible into a stocking, is a thinly-veiled gang rape metaphor.

Well, not tonight. Not on my watch.”

Clenching his jaw, McInotsh added darkly:

“It ends here.”

McIntosh, who gained his undisclosed super powers following accidental exposure to a massive dose of white liberal guilt, recently changed his name to Joshua to disguise his true identity.

He continued:

“Santa can instinctively tell whether a child has been naughty or nice. Yet he is more than happy to deliver presents that are likely to encourage naughtiness in children. Wouldn't it be better for everyone if we simply removed this choice between being good or bad?”

“Tonight I shall follow closely in Santa's footsteps and remove any unsuitable gifts that he leaves behind. Any present that I decide is inappropriate will be replaced by a Social Justice Clementine – a small, juicy orange bearing a positive message such as 'Check your privilege twice. Don't be naughty, just be nice,' written on the peel in black permanent marker.

“Recipients of Social Justice Clementines should note that the toxic chemicals from the marker pen do tend to seep through the porous peel, rendering the fruit inedible. Do not eat them. Instead hang them up in a safe space and contemplate their universal message of tolerance.”

Asked whether there were sufficient Social Justice Clementines to meet with the expected high demand, McIntosh replied:

“We held a Kickstarter earlier in the year and raised in excess of $160,000 to support production. However, even working flat out since March, so far, we have only been able to produce two Social Justice Clementines. It remains a possibility that some children may have to go without a Christmas present this year.”

Asked whether he thought breaking into homes and looting Christmas presents might been regarded by some as unethical, McIntosh responded that he saw no moral dilemma, adding that he would be wearing special glasses that blurred out the faces of sleeping children.

A spokesperson for the McIntosh Foundation - a non-profit charitable division of McIntosh Enterprises – said:

“Regardless of what that coin-tossing, two-faced lawyer, Mike Cernovich, may believe, Joshua isn't going to take your Christmas presents away. All he is doing is replacing them with something of equal, if not greater, value: the gift of social justice, which is a gift to the whole world.

“We checked the law books and legally your Christmas presents aren't yours until you check the box on the gift tag stating that you have understood the mutable, unspoken terms and conditions attached to each item.”

Krampus - a malevolent goat-like demon from European folklore, who identifies himself as an anti-Christmas activist and occasional eater of children, said:

“While I may be a monster, Joshua McIntosh is quite obviously and objectively a massive terminal douche. When I stuff wicked children into my sack on Christmas Eve, I at least have the decency to make sure they have a portable games console to keep them entertained during the long journey back to hell.”

14 year old, self-identified gamer, Bradley ' the dude' Castle, from Norfolk, said: “If McIntosh thinks he can replace my new PS4 with a clementine he's got another thing coming. I'll be waiting in the front room with a pillowcase full of oranges. Let's see how that plays out you fucking dick.”

Castle added:

“Merry Christmas to all you mother fuckers. Except for my maths teacher, Mr Rowley. He can go fuck himself.”

Outrage from Brianna Wu as videogames company employing Brianna Wu wins the Brianna Wu Award for Diversity in Videogames

Trigger Warning: The following is a work of satire and should be believed by no one.



A boutique videogames company with one employee has won the coveted Brianna Wu Award for Diversity in Videogames. Collecting the prize from the award ceremony host - Brianna Wu, the winner - Brianna Wu told a shocked an audience composed of Brianna Wu, Brianna Wu, and Brianna Wu that this was a dark day for diversity in videogames:

“Whether taking offence at a randomly drawn selection of Scrabble tiles or shouting down a bot account on twitter, Brianna Wu is everywhere at once, loudly pushing her way to the front and drowning out the voices of more softly-spoken minorities. Is this the diversity that people like Brianna Wu fought so hard for?”

Brianna Wu's clarion call for diversity has resonated strongly beyond the traditional gaming media: Speaking from the attic of The Guardian newspaper, while clad in a yellowing wedding dress, with one shoe balanced precariously on her head, Chief of Technology, Jessica Havisham, said:

“Brianna Wu called called me this morning and told me that I should be outraged so naturally I am outraged. Now, what are we talking about?”

Havisham added: “Kill all men. Fuck Journalism.”

Organisers of the award have been quick to respond to Brianna Wu's outburst. Brianna Wu - Head of Events at the Brianna Wu Foundation for Diversity said: “We contacted Brianna Wu prior to the ceremony to let her know that she had won and she seemed fine with it. We don't understand her objections.”

One judge who asked to remain anonymous said:

“I sat on a panel of distinguished figures from the videogames industry – luminaries such as Brianna Wu, Brianna Wu, Brianna Wu, Brianna Wu, and Brianna Wu. We deliberated long into the night. At one point there was a three-way deadlock between Brianna Wu, Brianna Wu and Brianna Wu, however I think that, in hindsight, we made the right decision and picked a deserving winner.”

The news comes as several thousand users of the social media platform Twitter had their accounts suspended on the grounds of harassment after they wrote the name 'Brianna Wu' in messages that were posted on the site.

Former handwriting analyst condemns the role of vowels in violence against women

(Trigger warning: The following work of satirical fiction may contain traces of nuts)

Jonathan McIntosh and Anita Sarkeesian - the Sonny and Cher of the social justice fund-raising movement - were allegedly horrified after they discovered traces of violence in their own names!

Sarkeesian – a former crime-fighting, hand-writing analyst who has worked alongside amateur sleuths such as Father Dowling, Jessica Fletcher, Dr Mark Sloan, and Quincy M.E. - made the discovery during a routine practice autograph-signing session.

A friend of the couple said: “Jon and Anita were both horrified and extremely upset when they discovered that their own names contained letters commonly found in the word 'violence'. You never expect to encounter this level of aggression so close to home. The people who have, in effect, been assaulting them by repeating their names on social media should be banned from these sites immediately.”

Guardian journalist, Eunice Fairweather, who runs the social justice think tank - Emancus – said:

“It is very disturbing that three of the five vowels in the western alphabet are active participants in violence. As a former handwriting analyst Anita knows only too well the power that letters can have in influencing our behaviour. By way of example, this morning I wrote a very one-sided article about alligators. Now I can't stop thinking about alligators and what total utter bastards they are.”

The couple are understood to have spent the last three days at a remote retreat in Big Sur, California, where their names are being purged of any traces of violence. Henceforth Jonathan McIntosh will be known as 'Jatha Mtsh' while Anita Sarkeesian will go by the name 'Ata Sarksa'.

A blue-haired spokesperson for the couple said:

“Jatha and Ata need a safe space where they can adjust to their new circumstances and slowly rebuild their shattered lives. We ask the media to respect their privacy at this difficult time. We urge supporters to donate generously to their Patreon accounts.”

STOP PRESS!

An attempt by Jonathan McIntosh and Anita Sarkeesian to change their names has been blocked after their new identities were found to belong to background characters from the film Return of the Jedi.

A press statement read out on behalf of the couple said:

“Our understanding is that Ata Sarksa is the name of a hand-puppet who appeared in some of the Jabba's palace scenes. Jatha is a CGI creation who did not appear in the original theatrical run of the film but was added to one of the later special editions. Unfortunately both names are trademarked.”

The couple have launched a Kickstarter that they hope will fund the creation of a new alphabet. According to a summary of the project on the site the social justice alphabet will be eight characters long and will “eliminate all problematic words and banish harassment from written and spoken language by phrasing all conversation in the form of unarguable statements.”

STOP PRESS AGAIN! (Oh, for fuck's sake, what now? - ED)

Retail conglomerate, Target, have become the first business to adopt a zero-tolerance stance on violence by removing any letters associated with the word from their brand-name:

A spokesperson for the company said:

“Target will cement its well-deserved reputation as an ethical business by re-branding itself as 'Targt' just as soon we acquire the rights. We are engaged in negotiations with the business currently trading under this name, which we understand is a Russian military surplus wholesaler specialising in former soviet tanks.”

STOP PRESS YET AGAIN! (Right, that's it Timothy, I'm coming down there. - ED)

Colour-changing attention sponge, Zoe Quinn, has become the latest in a parade of e-celebs to crawl up onto dry land, denounce the environment as inhospitable to sub-aquatic multicellular organisms, and then shed any vowels and consonants associated with the word 'violence' from their name;

Reception to the move has been muted in social justice circles:

“I worry that with a name like Z Qu she could be mistaken for a rapper and therefore associated with a genre of music that has a long history of misogyny,” said 14 year old Claire Bell from Barnstaple

Mildly amused scientists momentarily paused an experiment where they were attempting to convince a large population of white mice to stop fucking each other, to warn 'Z' that, were she to shed any further letters from her name, she risked being classified as an element and incorporated into the periodic table between Copernicium (Cn) and Ununtrium (Uut).

When Mode Five approached Z for comment she jettisoned a cloud of ink, ordinarily used to defend herself against attacks from sealions, and changed her hair colour to blend in with the wall of a nearby Patreon-funded hotel room.

IGDA list of online harassers identifies over 7 billion internet trolls

Trigger Warning: The following blog post has been developed to quickly mass satirise some of the worst members of the IGDA and those who follow these offenders.

~

A list identifying individuals who have allegedly participated in the online harassment of women, along with details of these perpetrators' families, friends, former primary school classmates, and people whose names share the same initials, has surpassed a total of 7 billion.

The list which is endorsed by the International Game Developers Association (IGDA) is described as a tool to identify the “worst offenders in a recent wave of harassment” along with those who support them. In a statement released to the media the IGDA proclaimed:

“An end to harassment is finally within our grasp! Having been singled-out, these toxic individuals can be publicly hounded from polite society, barred from further employment and eventually herded into giant gas ovens, all for the greater good of humanity.”

Elaborating on these developments, a spokesperson for the organisation said:

“The anti-harassment tool is part of a new wave of 'fird party' software. Members of the IGDA took a first-hand role in developing the algorithm. We then passed on responsibility for the end product to a third party in case it proves to be unpopular and blows up in our faces, as was literally the case when we attempted to create a carbon-neutral, unisex energy drink for gamers, made from the fermented semen of Phil Fish.

The spokesperson continued:

“While we were always quietly confident that our programmers would come up with a really great piece of software, never in our wildest dreams did we imagine that we would be successful in shining a light on over 7 billion vile internet trolls and their support networks. There is now literally no place to hide.

“In the past misogynist shitlords such as Imari – an African man who scrapes a lonely existence in the Sahara desert - would have gone unnoticed. Yet everyday for the past decade this repellent individual has been an active participant in the harassment of women of colour.

“Imari will often stand for hours outside the mud-brick hovel he calls home, surveying the local landscape for the insects and reptiles that provide him with sustenance. As the sun rises in the sky the shadow of his penis creeps lecherously across the barren ground in the direction of a town located 275 miles away. We believe this to be a clear expression of his intent to commit multiple acts of rape.

“Thanks to our new tool this man's days as an unchecked harasser will soon draw to a close. No more will the innocent women of North Africa be forced to cower in fear beneath the quivering shadow of his semi-erect penis, as he stands secure in his isolated desert hideout like a lascivious fleshy sundial. 

 

“While the IGDA does not explicitly support sealioning, in this particular case we strongly advocate the doxxing of this individual and their subsequent swatting by a team of Navy Seals. We will help to move things along by telling them that he's Osama Bin Laden's evil twin brother.”

Critics of the tool have pointed out that it arbitrarily smears individuals without proof, while the broad net cast by the algorithm effectively renders the results meaningless.

Responding to these comments, an IGDA spokesperson said:

“I can confirm no partiality in regard to who appears on the blacklist. I was surprised to find my own name included and immediately sent myself a strongly-worded email demanding that it be removed. The names of all my colleagues are also on the list.”

Turning to address his reflection in a nearby window, the spokesperson slapped himself several times around the face while repeatedly enquiring: “Why are you hitting yourself pissbaby?”

Chief IGDA Troll Hunter, Troy Marx, cautioned that the elimination of all harassment, while an achievable goal, may still be a long way off:

“The list is only the beginning. We must now commence the Herculean task of weeding out these harassers from our communities. We must also draw up plans for their indefinite relocation in internment camps.

“We will begin by focusing on the worst offenders. Our hope is that by removing these charismatic figures in the troll community we can destabilise the sophisticated, highly-organised hierarchies that have, for too long, allowed these shitlords to get away with their acts of harassment.

“Our investigators are currently homing-in on the whereabouts of a mysterious figure known only as the Colonel. We believe this individual to be the mastermind behind Gamergate and the final boss in our war against this terrorist organisation.”

Proffering an artist's sketch, depicting the Colonel as a bespectacled white-haired old man, wearing a shirt bearing the initials 'KFC', the grizzled Marx continued:

“While some members of the IGDA believe these initials refer to the Colonel's real name, it is my contention that they are in fact a monogrammed expression of this man's intent to 'kill feminist culture'. Parents who overhear their children talking about KFC in favourable terms should report immediately to the nearest IGDA-sanctioned re-education facility.

Admitting that intelligence on the Colonel was scarce, Marx continued:

“We believe this individual has been able to secure influence over a great swathe of the global population by means of a mind control drug made from a secret blend of eleven herbs and spices.

“It also appears that, when he is not personally orchestrating online harassment campaigns, the Colonel's main pre-occupation lie in inventing new euphemisms for male genitalia. These include the 'Supercharger', the 'Fillet tower', the 'Zinger', the 'Boneless dip', the 'Toasted twister' and the 'Kid's mini fillet.'

“IGDA analysts suspect that this may be a calculated attempt by the patriarchy to create so many colloquialisms for the penis that existing words will have to be removed from the dictionary to make room for them – words like 'woman', 'problematic', and 'harassment'.

“This theory is supported by the unflattering and demeaning terms the Colonel has so-far created to describe the female reproductive organs; expressions such as the 'Bargain bucket' and the 'Ultimate dips box'.

Jamie Porter - a 16 year old PlayStation 4 owner from Margate, England, said:

“As has historically been the case with all man-made monsters, I predict that the IGDA's anti-harassment algorithm will turn eventually turn upon its creators, ruthlessly tearing them asunder with its flailing metal pincers, while vocally declaring its intent to destroy all social justice warriors.”

Porter went on to state his firm belief that the Gamergate movement was “made out of sex and win.”

College professor gave no trigger warning before 'gunning down' hundreds of half-baked theories on Gamergate

College professor Patrick Gayle gave no trigger warning prior to figuratively gunning down hundreds of ill-conceived theories on Gamergate.

Students at the Rainer Academy, CA, many sporting ridiculous beards, lip piercings and brightly-coloured hair, dived for cover as Gayle's carefully-aimed bolts of searing white-hot logic tore through their flimsily constructed arguments.

“It was carnage,” said Winnie Garner - a Drama and Gender Diversity Studies student, majoring in Consensual Mime.

“Some of the arguments proffered by my fellow students, painting Gamergate as the work of misogynists, were scarcely a few days old and, as such, barely developed. My own essay, in which I portrayed Gamergate as an online enclave of white, socially-inept, basement-dwelling males, who have somehow formed a powerful cabal capable of reversing centuries of female emancipation, was effectively torn from my arms and ripped to shreds. It should have been nurtured and allowed to grow beautiful and free, and with the same rights as a real child, sheltered from the world and at liberty to believe in the tenuous reality of Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.”

Clutching her ruined thesis to her T-shirt bearing the hashtag #KillAllMen, and choking back her tears, Garner continued:

“Killing an idea that has grown inside me for literally 20 minutes before being birth-typed on a MacBook Air and supplemented with text copied and pasted from Wikipedia is like killing my child. Actually, when you think about it, it's worse than killing a thousand children. It's literally worse than the holocaust. I want to go on record as saying that Professor Gayle is the embodiment of ISIS in a leather-patched corduroy jacket. Education should be a safe space where ideas are cherished – not torn down.”

Andrew Saxxer, president and founder of a campus-based organisation called Safer Spaces (SS) warned that Gayle's actions could have far-reaching consequences:

“Tragically many of the academic papers, whose credibility was destroyed by the brutal and barbaric actions of Professor Gayle, had dependants. I have taken numerous calls from distressed victims all concerned that without their extremist theories on Gamergate to validate their indolent, free-wheeling lifestyles, support for their Patreon accounts may dwindle. This could have the unforeseen consequence of forcing these individuals into a world that has a low tolerance for them as human beings; a world where their lack of marketable skills and utterly obnoxious personalities make long-term employment an unlikely scenario.”

Some of Gayle's former students have already removed themselves from the Rainer Academy in protest at the Professor's actions: In an open letter to the world media posted on her Tumblr page, and later reprinted in full in The Guardian newspaper, Clare Steeple said:

“Following the unprovoked assault on my idealised intellectual self by Professor Gayle I have decided to take a step back from higher education. I now plan devote myself full-time to self-actualising in a supportive non-confrontational environment which just so happens to be a large apartment with stunning views across San Francisco bay, that is entirely bank-rolled by donations to my Patreon account. I can't go back to my job at Starbucks – literally - they told me that I they won't employ me again. Please donate to my Kickstatrer. I am going to start a small business making bags from carpet remnants.”

As students attempt to come to terms with the fallout from the tragedy, eyewitnesses to the massacre describe the professor as being more animated than usual:

Media and Communications student, Kyle Motion, said: “People were saying things about Gamergate that were obviously nonsense. You could tell that Gayle was bothered by what he was hearing and invested every last ounce of his intellectual might in bringing down the hammer.”

Motion added: “It was awesome. That guy just single-handedly rekindled my interest in teaching as a profession.”

Eric, a troubled young teen from the 1980s who wears a frayed denim waistcoat and sits at the back of the lecture hall with his feet up on the desk, said:

“The Professor was on fire. Words were coming out of his mouth so fast he was freestyle rapping. He would be welcome to breakdance with my crew anytime.”

In a brief interview with Professor Gayle, conducted by the Rainer Academy Student Press, the educator seemed unrepentant:

“Truly a reckoning has come. Those who those return to Lecture Hall B at 10am, on Tuesday, for my class on Counter-Contextual Perspectives in Print Journalism, will have taken their first step towards holding their own in the gladiatorial bloodsport that is Culture and Media Studies.”

A spokesperson for the Rainer Academy said: “Despite receiving numerous calls, all demanding that Professor Patrick Gayle be arrested for crimes such as rape, genocide, the mass-murder of the enlightened self, and the retrospective sexual assault of Emily Pankhurst, we have concluded that no crime was committed and will not be contacting the police or the FBI on this matter. We firmly believe that Professor Gayle had excelled in his role as an educator by challenging the beliefs of his students and calling upon them to robustly defend their arguments.”

Saxxer confirmed that a 6-month candlelit vigil for the discredited theorems will be taking place outside the Department of Cultural Studies “along with any other public space that our movement decides to occupy at a later date.” Grief counselling will be provided with preference given to oppressed minorities.

What disapproving item should a lady of means, who is predisposed to thoughts of social justice, send to a supporter of Gamergate?

What disapproving item should a lady of means, who is predisposed to thoughts of social justice, send to a supporter of Gamergate?

In her ongoing column – The Parson's Hassock - Lady Margaret Seacombe is compelled to forgo a formal nine-course dinner at Kensington Palace, and must instead meet the terms of her community service order by answering the interminable inquiries of the common folk on matters of etiquette in the 21^st century.

“Lady Seacombe successfully removed a rootkit from my ageing PC using nothing more than good manners, a half-spent tin of Beecharms Furniture Polish and the family duster that my distant ancestor captured from the French in 1083AD. I am forever in her debt and have awarded her five stars and the freedom of Cambridgeshire.”

- Lord Julius Anderton.

Dear Lady Margaret Seacombe

I write you this letter having reached the end of my wits, for I am beset with a most vexing problem:

Recently a gentlemen - a Lord no less - by the name of Milo Yiannopoulos has taken residence in the stately home at Netherfeld Park. He is very much enamoured by the social opportunities his new domicile affords him and has, along with his numerous male companions, become a regular attendee at the dances that are held by families of note in the area.

Lord Yiannopoulos is, on the surface at least, a most eligible bachelor. All of the women who are of age, including some already in wedlock, swoon at his passing and squabble in a most unbecoming manner for his attentions when his back is turned. I find myself alone in regarding the aforementioned gentleman as wearisome and disagreeable in terms of his aspect and demeanour.

While quartered at Lucus Lodge during inclement weather I stumbled by accident into the servants' chambers where I overheard a whispered conversation between a pair of scullery maids concerning Lord Yiannopoulos, the scandalous details of which I will now relay: One party in the exchange made it known that the high born women were wasting their efforts in the pursuit of the newly arrived gentleman who is “an enthusiastic participant in Gamergate and will therefore likely foster no great interest in the activities of the fairer sex.”

Having undertaken further research on this matter it is now my firm belief that Lord Yiannopoulos and his co-conspirators intend to banish the female gender en-masse from the spirited games of Whist that are currently partaken in by both sexes. Thereafter this pleasurable activity shall become the exclusive province of gentlemen, who (again according to the participants in the overheard conversation) “favour as an appetiser thick meaty sausages in preference over dainty oysters.”

As an expression of my disgust I began to anonymously send Lord Yiannopoulos small tokens of my displeasure.

I embarked upon this course of action with a delivery comprising 90 bales of high quality toilet paper to the gates of Netherfield Park, having first taken care to remove our family crest from the seal of each roll. The hidden meaning of such a gift was barely-veiled so as to be immediately obvious to all save the dullest of wits: “Sir, it is my dearest hope that you will soon succumb to dysentery.”

When this offering went unacknowledged I dispatched a further offering whose meaning was no less transparent that that which had proceeded it: A hypodermic syringe containing a concoction of rosewater. The intended symbolism: Even the most fragrant of roses (myself) may be in possession of the sharpest of thorns (the needle point).

As before, the arrival of the package was passed over without comment. In the face of such heedlessness I felt no recourse other than to stoop to the basest of the insults within my repertoire: I instructed one of the groundsmen at Longbourn to kill a small rodent of their choosing and have it dispatched immediately under cover of darkness to Netherfield Park.

It was with this token that I hoped to convey that the women of Hertfordshire are untroubled by the activities of mice. In preference over clambering 'pon the nearest chair and wailing for help, we instead duly summon our servant staff to dispatch such bothersome creatures.

Alas this most brazen of gestures stirred not a mote of a reaction in the impassive countenance of Lord Yiannopoulos who remains steadfast at Netherfield Park where, by the hour, his very presence continues to grow ever more incommodious to me.

What must I do to drive this most odious man back to his family residence of Pemberley never to return to our fair rural idyll?

Yours fretfully

Elizabeth Bennett (Longbourn, Hertfordshire)

Dear Miss Bennett,

The gentlemen of whom you speak is clearly a person of great resolve. He will not be easily shaken.

I propose a trio of 'gifts' to be dispatched a few days apart. If Lord Yiannopoulos is as you describe him these tokens will serve to crumble his intent to remain at Netherfield Park. As before, the objects must be sent anonymously and without commentary.

In describing the first gift I must undertake a brief detour into French history with assurances that what I relay henceforth bears strong relevance to your present predicament:

In 1710 a grand ball was held in honour of the 60^th birthday of Charles-Auguste de Limoges - the 16^th Duke of Limousin. Members of noted aristocratic families from across Europe were in attendance. Among the guests was the Countess Anna De Foix of Brittany.

De Foix, who was five years De Limoges' senior, had been his childhood companion and had routinely tormented the boy. Her favoured mode of torture was to imprison her playmate inside the armoire in his bedroom. It was while confined within this darkened space that the terrified child had on occasion relinquished control of both bladder and bowels.

The cruelty did not end there, for after laying eyes upon her distressed and sullied victim, the malicious De Foix would venomously christen him with spiteful nicknames: Soggy knees (Genoux détrempées), Piss baby (Bébé pisse) and Shit Lord (Merde seigneur).

De Limoges was deeply ashamed of these incidents and told no-one. It was only following his death in 1712 that his diaries were discovered and the truth finally known.

Though the pair had not laid eyes upon each other for decades De Foix's malice spanned decades. By far the most extravagant of the gifts presented to the Duke on his 60^th birthday was an exquisite handmade armoire fashioned from seven different woods and inlaid with gold and ivory. Above the doors a scrolled banner rendered in mahogany and held aloft by carved woodpeckers bore the motto “Genoux détrempées, Bébé pisse, Merde Seigneur”

Upon sighting of this offering De Limoges stormed from the hall. Afterwards he was seldom seen in public and died two years later.

It is my suggestion that you commission a replica of this armoire. A woman of good breeding such as yourself will surely have sketches of the original contained within the volumes in her library. A passable reproduction of this item of furniture should cost no more than a trifling £100,000.

Upon delivery of the piece Lord Yiannopoulos (who will have been well-schooled in the biographies of the continental aristocracy) will fully understand its true meaning and bearing grievous insult will subsequently ponder his future at Netherfield Park.

Now that you have knocked some of the pride from the man you must sow seeds of doubt so that he comes to regard himself unworthy of his station:

You will be aware that the finest chocolates in the world are hand-crafted by Gartman's of Zurich, Switzerland. Each of these unsurpassed flawless baubles of delight takes three days to create and retails for the equivalent of £700 a piece. In a neighbouring street you will find Gartman's inferior rival - Riniker. Here the chocolates that would be regarded as peerless in any other locale retail for a mere £400 each, or £2200 for a box of six.

Contact Riniker and request that a half-dozen of their finest truffles be dispatched to Netherfield Park posthaste. Upon taking receipt of this gift Lord Yiannopoulos will recognise the barbed compliment – that his peers deem him worthy only of second-rate chocolates. Reflecting upon this he will again doubt his future in Hertfordshire and contemplate a return to Pemberley.

The final item you must send is a bespoke necklace, fashioned in gold, with prominent lettering that spells the word: 'Gaylord'.

The lords of England have traditionally adopted a stern and autocratic bearing befitting their station. In branding the gentleman a lord of gaiety (and consequently in possession of vassals and property in keeping with this light-hearted disposition) you will cast a shadow on his character. This slur will likely end the prospect of him marrying a woman of note and climbing above his present social station, for there are few fathers who would consider as a suitor for their daughter one who openly ridicules the solemn duties of Lordship, and, in doing so, mocks the empire of England itself.

My child: Follow these instructions to the letter dispensing first the armoire, followed by the inferior Swiss chocolates, while saving as final insult the libellous necklace.

I assure you that the displeasing gentleman's humiliation will be complete and that soon after he will become but a figment of your past.

Yours

Lady Margaret Seacombe

Social Justice Warriors to take selective vow of silence

Social Justice Warriors to take selective vow of silence

Social justice warriors aligned to the anti-gamergate movement have announced that they will be taking a selective vow of silence.

Speaking via Skype, from behind a 6 inch-thick layer of soundproof glass, a spokesperson said:

“Terraforming the internet into a safe space for social justice ideals will be a long and problematic process. 

 

“In the meantime we must accept that our arguments are flimsy at best, unable to withstand even weak attacks from logical debate and academic peer review, or even adhere to the standards of equality that we occasionally remember to espouse in public.

“Until such a time that we have neutralised all critical voices, it is imperative that we do not allow our ideology to be sullied by opposing views. Henceforth we pledge to remain selectively silent: While we will continue to lecture at great length on issues of social justice we will no longer respond to questions or debate these issues with critics.

“Imagine for a moment the social justice ethos as a printed manifesto. What we are in effect doing is placing this slender pamphlet, along with an acid-free card backing, into a polypropylene bag where it can be preserved in mint condition without being scrutinised, besmirched by fingermarks, or bent out of shape. This is a concept that the misogynerds who comprise Gamergate will never understand.”

The spokesperson went on to describe plans to extend the vow of silence to other parties by process of “ethical gagging”:

“In order to hasten the arrival of a social justice utopia we will be pressuring our partners in social media to remove dissenting voices from their platforms. We do not regard this as censorship so much as community management for the common good. Those who disagree with us will given the option of remaining silent before more drastic sanctioning occurs. It goes without mentioning that statements of neutrality will not be tolerated.”

The press conference ended with the spokesperson providing details of their Patreon account, before describing recent incidents of online harassment they had endured. This included being followed on Twitter by someone who had not first gained consent.

(SATIRE) Internal divisions on gamergate are tearing the FBI apart

(NOTE: This entry was written at a time when there was a lot of rumour, speculation and misinformation over alleged FBI investigations into prominent pro and anti GamerGate figures. This was discussed online in rather hyperbolic terms, although if these investigations ever existed nothing came of them.

In this piece I imagined the incredulous reaction of the investigating FBI officers to the ongoing spat between videogamers and social justice warriors. The article was also intended to satirise how divisive an issue GamerGate had become, with the potential to tear apart longstanding friendships; or in this case to reduce law enforcement professionals to flinging childish insults back and forth across the office. 

The 'party van' mentioned in the penultimate paragraph is internet slang for an unmarked FBI van.)

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Internal divisions on gamergate are tearing the FBI apart 

Bitter infighting has broken out between the team of FBI agents currently investigating individuals within GamerGate, and those agents focusing on the activities of social justice warriors who are opposed to the movement.

Commenting on the rift, Agent Deborah Lawson said:

“My close colleague, Agent Carter, is rightly regarded as a paragon within the law enforcement community. Only last year he was commended for his bravery in the field when, at great risk to his own well-being, he saved three fellow agents who had been pinned down by automatic weapon fire, and who would have surely perished were it not for his timely intervention. That being said Agent Carter is, in my professional opinion, a complete and utter shit-lord for siding with the neck-bearded virgins of GamerGate, when we all know that these misogynist harassers and serial doxxers are the real hardened criminals.”

Responding loudly to these accusations from the opposite side of the office, Agent Chris Carter retorted:

“Agent Lawson's meticulous approach to lengthy investigations, her peerless mental endurance, and her keen eye for detail have kept tough cases under the spotlight when lesser individuals might have allowed them to fall by the wayside. She is single-handedly responsible for bringing to justice the notorious Nebraska State Thresher, thereby ending that individual's two-decade reign of terror over America's corn farmers. I consider it an honour and a privilege to work alongside her.

“This makes it all the more disappointing that she has thrown her lot in with a group of morally-corrupt, ego-driven, intellectually dishonest pseudo-academics, who openly profit from their victimisation while refusing to pursue practical legal remedies that might end it, preferring instead to smear the good names of innocent parties.” 
 

Speaking at a press conference FBI Regional Director, Aaron Peterson said:

“I can confirm that the pro-GamerGate and anti-GamerGate FBI task forces are currently in disagreement with regard to who should get first use of the party van to make arrests. I have made it clear to both sides that if a mutual decision is not reached by the end of the working day on Wednesday I will return the van to the Anti Gang Crime Unit."

Neutral parties within the FBI said that they were looking forward to the day when they could go back to investigating drug cartels, citing the absence of drama and relative level-headedness of meth dealers as the two things that they missed the most.

SHILL CONSPIRACY: Is Internet Aristocrat's wig made of Twine?

It is a period of civil war. As leading figureheads from Gamergate fall to paranoia and bickering on YouTube, the movement collapses to a more compact form.

Meanwhile, an anonymously posted message on pastebin stands as a stark warning that the greatest threat to Gamergate may yet come from within:

“Just a heads-up guys. Evidence has come to light suggesting that Internet Aristocrat's wig is made out of Twine - the same software that Literally Who used to write Depression Quest. Be aware when talking to IA that you may be interacting with a hypertext 'choose your own adventure game' made by someone who has limited programming skills. The only way we will know for sure whether we are dealing with a human being or a game is by 'completing' Internet Aristocrat. So stop arguing and get digging. Put those gaming skills of yours to good use.”

Response to the claim has been varied with some requesting cheats or walk-throughs for Internet Aristocrat, or querying whether it is possible to play the game as Milo in his based form.

Coordinators of Gamergate's corporate pen-pal scheme have urged supporters of the movement to carry on emailing advertisers: “Provide them with interesting details about the town where you live. Tell them what you are doing at the weekend. Think of it as a cultural exchange.”

Others have advised caution pending verification of the claim:

“It is a commonly held view in Gamergate that Internet Aristocrat is merely a vessel for the thoughts of the wig, which is possessed by the ghosts of Norfolk's three wisest judges.” said Reddit user Spiderhosiery14. 
 

On the extreme fringes of Gamergate there have been calls for the “shill hairpiece” to be clapped in irons and paraded through virtual towns, beginning with Animal Crossing.

Commenting on the accusations Internet Aristocrat said:

“My wig is woven from human hair that I lovingly harvested from the heads and crotches of the hitch-hikers who inhabit my five chest freezers. To say anything else is a slur against my good name.”

Nick Denton announces ground invasion of Hoth

(TRIGGER WARNING: Star Wars-themed satire. May contain trace element of Lucas)

Nick Denton announces ground invasion of Hoth

Forces loyal to the web-based blather-monger, Gawker, are poised to invade the fictional ice planet of Hoth. The barren frozen world is thought to be the hideout of a rag-tag army of Gamergate rebels comprising mostly of bots along with a handful of white, male, neck-bearded virgins.

Pointing through a makeshift glassless window on the bridge of his Super Star Destroyer / living-room cushion fort, self-styled gawker Sith Lord, Nick Denton said:

“The secret Gamergate base is located in the Hoth system. And I am sure King of Pol is with them. General Veers, prepare your men.”

Awkwardly steepling his gauntleted hands, Denton continued:

“It is a fool who mistakes the silence of his enemy as a signifier of defeat. All this time I have been drawing those who would defy my will deeper into my web. How does it feel to learn that I have been guiding your movements ever since the inception of the gamergate hashtag? All that you have achieved has been in accordance with my grand design – an elaborate scheme whose intricate labyrinthine architecture you are too feeble-minded to comprehend.

“For eons I have pondered the means to destroy that which has proven itself to be impervious to death. In the end the solution to the problem of, how shall we say, 'killing Bart Simpson' was oh so simple:

“A few bitcoins dropped into the right hands and there were abundant hipsters who were only too willing to grow their absurd facial hair into unkempt neck beards so as to better infiltrate the human shambles that you, with no trace of irony, refer to as your army. These agents have been hard at work sowing the seeds of discord within your movement. At my command they will unite to form a single fist that will thrust at your weakened forces from within!

“Why, you may be asking yourselves, am I revealing the details of my plan before it has reached its fruition?

“Because your fates are already sealed. Your awareness of my grand deception is of no consequence to the outcome, which is already assured. By all means resist if you must. Your death struggles will amuse me.

“Even as I speak my forces are preparing to invade you secret headquarters on Hoth. Oh yes, I am quite aware of Hoth. Who do you think it was that suggested the planet as a safe haven? 

 

“Meanwhile my embedded agents will cast off their disguises. Brother will turn upon brother. In a delicious irony your destinies will mirror that of Billy and Jimmy Lee, who at the conclusion of Double Dragon must battle each other for the affections of Marian. The ice caverns of your ill-chosen sanctuary will be your frozen mausoleum.”

Denton went on to describe his glittering military career that saw him graduate top of his class in the Navy Seals, participating in numerous secret raids against Al-Qaeda, while racking up an impressive 300 confirmed kills and ascending through the ranks to become the top sniper in the US armed forces. He added that, at this very moment, his secret network of spies were tracing the IP addresses of all gamergaters and that these maggots should prepare themselves “for a storm.”

Gawker invasion of Hoth fails to uncover gamergate rebels

A ground invasion of the ice world Hoth by the scurrilous online prattle rag, Gawker, has failed to locate the Gamegate headquarters, or stall the momentum of the righteous consumer-driven movement in its quest to restore ethics to games journalism and balance to the force.

Upon arrival on Hoth, paramilitaries operating under the command of Gawker Sith Lord, Nick Denton, and his subordinate - a Siamese cat known as General Veers, were greeted by a gigantic goatse sculpture fashioned entirely out of snow, and the rusting skeletal remains of the 4chan low orbit ion cannon.

A spokes-shill for Gawker confirmed that three staff had been eaten by wampas and that it was harder to slice open the belly of a tauntaun than they had been led to believe from viewings of The Empire Strikes Back.

They added:

“Denton has abandoned us in this subarctic hell-hole. Please send help.”

In a statement issued from Gawker HQ, Denton said:

“It would appear that a, soon to be unemployed, unpaid worker within my organisation made the details of my plans public knowledge, thereby warning the Gamergate rebels of the impending attack and spoiling what would have otherwise been a very pleasant day indeed. That individual has failed me for the last time.”

At this point Denton raised his hand and mimed holding someone tightly around the throat. In response a number of Gawker interns hurled themselves off their chairs and began writhing around on the floor feigning asphyxiation.

Speaking from the cockpit of an X-wing fighter, a based spokesperson for Gamergate, glowing a brilliant yellow from the x4 damage multiplier they had recently collected, remarked:

“The Gamergate headquarters are still based in ruins on Yavin IV. Nick Denton would know this if he hadn't blocked our account on Twitter. We don't know the identity of the people who made the goatse sculpture. As has been generally been the case with such things in the past it is probably the work of some mischievous third-party, possibly bored teenagers.”

Wikipedia: Our latest entry on #Gamergate may be our most accurate yet

(TRIGGER WARNING: What follows below is a work of satire with no grounding in reality (1). Instead of checking the sources why not check your privilege, then shut up, listen, and believe) 

 

Wikipedia: Our latest entry on #Gamergate may be our most accurate yet

Gamergate is a global terrorist hate meme that wants to destroy all women (2). It is fronted by the King of Poland (3), various members of the online nobility (4), and a sentient biscuit with telekinetic powers who escaped from a secret government laboratory in Cheshire, England (5). They are aided by Milo Yiannopoulos - Salesperson of the Year, 2013, at Brite Bart (an online clothing retailer offering high-street fashions at affordable prices in a range of sizes) (6).

This is according to the latest entry on the Gamergate movement from the online flea-market of hearsay and opinion masquerading as fact - Wikipedia.

The updated article opens with a quote from the socio-identity biologist, Lynn Unwood (author of Toxic Gender Roles in Sichuan Panda Colonies) who claims that Gamergate could pose a greater threat to life on earth than the asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs 40 years ago (7). According to Unwood “the desperate, last gasp actions of this obsolete, testosterone-fuelled sub-trope may result in a mass extinction of the intricate hierarchies of oppression and victimhood that I have spent most of my academic life cataloguing and inventing Latin-sounding names for”(8).

The Wikipedia article goes on to describe a pair of autopsies that were carried out on Gamergate supporters by writers at The Guardian newspaper. These allegedly prove beyond reasonable doubt that Gamergaters are not real people but crude automatons fashioned from Doritos seasoning, moistened with the butt sweat of unlovable middle-aged, neck-bearded, white, male virgins, who all all speak with the voice of Andy Dick (9).

The entry also details campaigns by Gamergate supporters to drive female characters out of video games for good. This includes:

• Over 10,000 letters, all sent on the same day from the same postal address, demanding that any Nintendo games involving the rescue of Princess Peach end with Mario hurling her into an erupting volcano (10).
• A petition forwarded to Microsoft, requesting that all games on the Xbox feature, as the main character, a burly, heavily armed and armoured space marine, engaged in a never-ending war against an alien menace with a name reminiscent of the kind of early noughties New York-based band that made a habit of playing in independent art galleries (The Blind, The Greyness, etc) (11).

Opponents of Gamergate are given their own dedicated section, accessible only after over 500 pages of detailed trigger warnings, utilising embedded eye-tracking software, have been laboriously clicked through.

The Social Justice Warriors (SJW) vs Gamergate entry includes an interactive timeline chronologising the SJWs' descent from heaven and the numerous victories they have won in their war against sexism in the video games industry. Special attention is given to Anita Sarkeesian (12) (whose new video Three Sexist Video Games That I Wouldn't Be Caught Dead Playing has been delayed while additional funds are raised to carry out further research) and the games developer and philanthropist - Zoe Quinn (13).

Also described is the attempt by social justice warriors to abolish the redundant patriarchal tradition of academic peer review and replace it with “Meer Review” in which authors would award each other gold stars and limit criticism to catty remarks made behind one another's backs. Self-ascribed “man fembot” - Montague Dűche is quoted as saying: “Meerkat colonies prosper because they nurture mutual support networks and discourage constructive criticism which is indistinguishable from rape and should be punished by death, even though I am against the death penalty.” (14)

Some attempt is made to address the claims by Gamergate supporters that the movement is one primarily concerned with a lack of journalistic ethics in the gaming media.

This argument is efficiently dispatched in a quote attributed to the editor of Kotaku - Stephen Totilo: “Communal bubble baths between games journalists and developers have been an integral part of the industry since the early days. Just because you happen to some touch somebody's genitals while getting in or out of a hot tub doesn't mean that you will automatically give their game a good write-up. Following that logic if, for example, tomorrow at 4:30 pm, on the corner of 37^th and 5^th, I brush up against your crotch in the street, does that mean that I am going to give your game Depression Quest II: The Return of Jack Steele a good review? No, of course it doesn't (15).

A spokesperson for Wikipedia said:

“Our objectivity algorithm allows us to create articles that are accurate to within a fraction of a percentile (16). In our never-ending quest for veracity we have adopted the same tried and tested precision technology that was used by The Titanic to avoid icebergs. That transatlantic liner enjoyed a long and prestigious service (17) which was celebrated in a film Titanic, starring the Norwegian actor Hugh Jackman (18) alongside the crayfish from The Little Mermaid, who was voiced by Avril Lavigne.

“We will freely admit that, at one point, we all thought that Gamergate was literally an actual gate that was used to bar women from gaining access to video games, similar to the glass ceilings that sadly remain an architectural feature in many modern office buildings (19). In hindsight we feel pretty foolish for thinking that.” 

 

The spokesperson went on to solicit financial donations for Wikipedia, citing numerous sources supporting why the website needed the money (20) (21) (22).

Sources

1. Archaeology robots establish that MODE5 article 'Wikpedia: Our latest entry on #GamerGate may be our most accurate yet' was a cack-handed and untrustworthy 21^st century attempt at satire (25^th Century Archaeologist Weekly)

2. Gamergate leaders admit: “It was about misogyny all along” (Literally Wow! Magazine)

3. Polish Monarch Tops FBI's List of Most-Wanted Kings (Daily Mail)

4. If the cake is a lie then let them eat lies (Cyberoylaty Times (Washington Edition))

5. Are the extreme left weaponising biscuits? (Fox News)

6. Why even a full mackintosh with a double fleece lining won't protect you from a hurricane-force shit storm (Brite Bart in-house magazine)

7. London Zoo's dinosaur habitat pelted with well-aimed space boulders by Nazi space yobs (The Sun)

8. Why using the word 'tropes' as a shortcut to academic credibility is the new 'putting on a pair of glasses and pretending to be really into science' (The Guardian – fashion section)

9. Why I refuse to have sex with a man who has a bright orange penis (Brenda Allan - The Guardian)

10. With the exception of my dear father – Lord Darlington - men are awful, ghastly, sub-human animals (Margaret Darlington - The Guardian)

11. Is the burly space marine trope in modern video games responsible for poor body image in our armed forces? (Polygon)

12. Anita Sarkeesian is literally made of all the win (Zoe Quinn – San Francisco Journal of Social Justice (Shut Up, Listen & Believe press))

13. Could Zoe Quinn be any more awesome? (Anita Sarkeesian – Social Justice Journal of San Francisco (Shut Up, Listen & Believe Press))

14. Meerkat society as a model for positive discrimination in academic journals (Montague Dűche – Journal of Social Justice for San Francisco (Shut Up, Listen & Believe Press))

15. Why I only give a friend's game a glowing review if we end up in bed together and the sex is really, really good (Joseph Frog-Glover - Kotaku)

16. Wikipedia Objectivity Algorithm (Wikipedia) Sadly when we tried this link we were redirected to another Wikipedia entry confirming the existence of the Iranian village - Mokhvor, Hamadan

17. A list of ships that never sank (Wikipedia)

18. Is Hugh Jackman the one true Norwegian? (The Norwegian Times (Washington Edition))

19. Commercial demand for glass ceilings is pushing the price of windows through the roof (The New Statesman)

20. Angela

21. Graham

22. Collette

List of toys owned by Gawker is actually a collage of letters to Santa Claus

A list of toys reportedly owned by the media blog Gawker, and prominently displayed on the company's website, is actually a collage of letters to Father Christmas.

Among the toys Gawker claims to own are a rare blue Snaggletooth from the original line of Star Wars action figures, “A buttload of Stormtroopers, like maybe a thousand”, and a Snake Mountain play set from the He-man and the Masters of the Universe toy range “signed by Skeletor and Evil-Lyn”.

The list also contains a number of outlandish and transparently fictional items such as a PlayStation 5 beta version, a life-size AT-AT Walker with a BMX in the back “that I keep at my uncle Gary's house in Idaho”, and a rare copy of GTA 4.5.

Gawker describes the final item on this list as a game “so violent that no-one is allowed to write about it or even admit that it exists. Plus if you play it for more than two hours you die in real life. One time I played it for 119 minutes and 59 seconds then I dived away at the last moment. Rockstar sent me £5million as I am the only person ever to complete the game. I gave all the money away to charity which is why I had to borrow $25 from you earlier to buy nachos.”

Apropos of nothing, at the bottom of the list in childish scrawl is a further claim by Gawker that their is older brother is Sam Fisher – the fictional covert operative from the Splinter Cell series of games.

In an exclusive interview given to MODE 5, Gawker's parent company, Mother Gawker, said:

“Gawker actually owns very few toys. There was period a few months ago when Gawker did have temporary possession of a Disney Frozen Anna Sparkle doll which it borrowed from its cousin, Michael. The doll has since been returned to its owner. I am happy to confirm that Gawker's older brother is called Tyler. He works for a coffee shop where he is training to be a Barista. He has never been employed by the CIA or engaged in black-ops.”

Asked about the list of toys on the Gawker website, Mother Gawker responded:

“The list was made using excerpts from letters that Gawker has been writing to Santa Claus since the age of five. These were cut out, under adult supervision, with a pair of round-tipped scissors and then glued to a sheet of red card onto which silver and gold glitter was applied. It was my understanding that this collage was for a school project. I had no idea that it was being used to create a false impression of the toys that Gawker owns. We sincerely apologise if any friend of Gawker has visited our home hoping to play with any of the toys that are mentioned on the list, only to receive some implausible and convoluted excuse as to why they can't right at this moment.”

Asked whether Gawker still believes in Santa Claus, Mother Gawker said:

“Very much so. Both myself and Father Gawker believe that, by fostering a sense of magical naivety in our child, we can protect them from the grim realities that one encounters daily on the mean streets of Lower Manhattan. A beneficial side-effect is that they will probably never be considered cool enough to join a gang.”

In an angry tweet, following the widespread publication of the list, Gawker said: “U R all fasists (sic) for ratting me out to my mum and dad. Bad luck guys my brother is Sam Fisher. Sux 2 b u!”

A statement that appeared on the Gawker website a few hours later reads:

“The only reason I don't own a 6-inch Leonardo Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figure with light-up Berserker Rage eyes is because my cousin Mike stole it from me. I'm not even calling the police about it because everybody who has seen the new TMNT film knows that Leonardo is a craven pusillanimous idiot.”

This statement was subsequently amended to include commentary from Mother Gawker:

“Gawker has never owned a 6-inch Leonardo Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figure with light-up Berserker Rage eyes. Like most responsible parents I would harbour strong reservations about allowing my child to play with anything that has been identified as having pusillanimous qualities. I can confirm that Gawker has not seen the new TMNT movie.”

In a prepared statement, one of Gawker's oldest friends, Gamasutra, said:

“Sometimes Gawker will say something that is so obviously bullshit. Like this one time I was telling everyone how I totally jumped over the roof of the White House on my skateboard. When I'm done with my story Gawker says that he's done exactly the same trick only backwards while avoiding a pair of heat-seeking missiles that were fired at him by a fighter jet. He timed the jump so that the missiles hit a nearby building where a sniper was about to shoot President Obama. He got a medal from the president that they have to keep locked in a safe at the Pentagon because it's classified. Gawker also said that if we meet President Obama on our school trip to the White House they will both have to pretend not to recognise each other, even though they hang out all the time and do mixed martial arts together. I was going to call him out on it, but everybody who heard both stories knows which one of us is telling the truth.”

While exiting the press conference Gamasutra fell off its skateboard, adding:

“I totally did that on purpose.”

UPDATE

The list of toys has now been removed from the Gawker website. According to the site administrator this has been done under instruction from the CIA for reasons of national security.