|When a software update switches your Xbox One to 'Giant Spider Mode'|
Friday, 6 November 2015
(SATIRE) Two days after a leading supporter of GamerGate is attacked by a spider in his own home, MODE 5 asks: Is any gamer safe?
A lost generation of radicalised spiders, schooled in the tenets of social justice theory, may have just declared war on GamerGate.
MODE 5 has received information indicating that spiders harbouring extremist social justice ideologies, that previously had been confined to university campuses, are now leaving these academic safe spaces and infiltrating wider society.
The news comes in the wake of an apparent assassination attempt by a spider on the life of the vocal GamerGate supporter and Breitbart gadfly, Milo Yiannopoulos.
In the aftermath of the attack, Yiannopoulos took to YouTube, showing off his swollen, spider-bitten arm and boasting that he would “never die.” In a dignified three-hour speech, during which he declined hospital treatment, he called upon gamers to take up arms against spiders, performed a delirious A cappella medley of Mariah Carey songs, which included the “underrated” Triumphant (Get 'Em), and issued a tearful apology to someone called Ethel.
Yiannopoulos also confirmed that there were spiders “literally coming out of the walls and swarming all over my face,” although these were not visible in the webcam footage.
MODE 5 Deputy Intern, 'Kevin', who stayed up all night watching the live-stream said:
“It has not yet been established whether the spider who attacked Milo Yiannopoulos was working independently, or was part of a coordinated operation. Police have, so far, not confirmed whether a telephone warning was given prior to the attack.”
In response to an enquiry from MODE 5, Breitbart reported that all of its staff who had worked on GamerGate-related articles had been moved to safe houses while the threat to their lives is being assessed.
The spokesperson for the news website added:
“This is a place of serious business. Who are you and why do you keeping contacting us?”
Self-taught Security Expert - Nigel 'the Nige' Badstoke, who sells nunchucks, and other martial arts weaponry, out of a sports holdall, in a variety of rough, south London pubs, says that the attack raises some disturbing home truths:
“The spider managed to enter a gated community and bypass Yiannopoulos's own security measures. It injected a lethal dose of venom into its target and then escaped undetected. That alone should send a chill down the spine of any gamer.
“As far as home defence is concerned, the heyday of print media provided ample material that could be rolled-up at a moment's notice and deployed as an improvised spider deterrent.
“In the grey age of digital clickbait there are less and less objects lying around the home that can be used against spiders. Those who fall victim to spider attacks are often unwilling to risk damaging expensive technology by using smartphones, E readers, and tablet PCs as makeshift cudgels. I would advise any gamer who is concerned for their personal safety to contact me at The Queens Head off Morden Common and quote 'gamergate' for a 5% discount.”
Brigadier Colin Newbolt is employed in an advisory role by the European Spider Crimes Task Force. He says that he is not surprised by the attack:
“We are on the brink of a sea-change in gamer/spider relations.
“Until recently spiders were content to focus their attentions on wandering hobbits, or have forest goblins ride around on their backs, but generally distanced themselves from human affairs.
“We are now seeing the rise of a radicalised spider who regards human beings as problematic and doesn't give a fuck about anything.
“While GamerGate could conceivably win a ground war against the arachnids, the casualties on both sides would be enormous, on a scale comparable with the Second World War.”
With the threat of further hostilities overshadowing the videogaming community, global markets have reported a massive surge in sales of replica weapons from popular sci-fi and fantasy films and television, as gamers ready to defend themselves the only way they know how. A replica energy sword, claimed by its manufacturer to have originated from a Halo/Star Wars crossover universe, has become an international best seller after it was re-marketed as a first line of defence against spider attacks.
Other gamers remain sceptical that such weapons act as a true deterrent:
“My Longclaw replica - the sword Jon Snow uses in Game of Thrones - is absolutely covered in cobwebs. It's like the spiders are laughing at me,” says Jeremy Squire. “Last year I took it to a blacksmith to confirm that it had been forged from genuine Valyrian steel. He looked at me like I was an idiot.”
Internet traffic analysts have also identified an increase in online scams offering magical protection from spiders and spider-repelling penis ointments.
“I heard that if you press the buttons on your PS4 game controller in a certain order, it will unlock a cheat code that neutralises spider venom,” says Sheila Meynell. “I am 89% sure that it's just an urban myth, or a ploy by Sony to sell more PS4s.”
Fears that spiders fighting for social justice might have allied themselves with human sympathisers (described by many as a nightmare scenario) have been quashed by a comment made on an online forum by a former Feminist Frequency employee:
“The last time Jon McIntosh saw a spider he stood on a chair shrieking until Anita gathered it up in her talon and returned it to one of her larval sacs.”
With no further attacks having been reported since the thwarted attempt upon the life of Milo Yiannopoulos, an uneasy calm has settled over the gamer community.
John Zoffany - owner of the independent video and tabletop games store - Game Dungeon – said:
“When I see a spider in my shop I am happy that they are an active participant in the great hobby that is gaming. If they bite a customer, or ask me where they can find Battletoads, they will have to leave.”