Sunday, 3 July 2016

(Satire) Studio execs fear that the makers of Star Trek Beyond are not doing enough to insult their potential audience

Fears that the makers of Star Trek Beyond are not doing enough to alienate the film's potential audience have spilled out of the boardroom, and onto the internet, like the ugly bar-room brawl scene that opens Tron 3: The Sisterhood of the Travelling Virtual Pants.

Sony studio head-nodder, and Ghostbusters 2016 executive producer, Chad Anderton Jr, said: “I have yet to see anything in the Star Trek Beyond marketing that is deliberately insulting to fans, or to people who might be curious about the movie. Admittedly the trailers weren't particularly great, almost as if they didn't include the main plot points and the best parts of the film. Clearly that's a mistake rather than anything malicious. Other than the release of the theme song by Rihanna, the thrust of the promotional campaign seems to have been: 'You might enjoy this film if you like Star Trek or science fiction.' What the fuck are these people playing at?

As anyone who had a crush on somebody at school knows, the best way to get them to go out with you is to punch them hard in the shoulder. In terms of the marketing for Ghostbusters, we felt that the best way to build hype for the movie was for its stars to appear on TV chat shows openly ridiculing the critics of the film's trailers as 45 year old, unemployed losers, who live in their parent's basements and have never known the touch of woman.

Nerds form a big part of the audience that the Ghostbusters reboot is aimed at and our market research shows that this demographic responds best to bullying and humiliation."

A leaked email from Sony has revealed that the company is also exploring legal options that might compel individuals who have expressed a reluctance to see Ghostbusters, to attend a cinema screening under the threat of a lawsuit. The email reads:

In order to more fully evaluate our position if members of the public decline to engage with “Ghostbusters”, to panic-buy action figures, or to purchase an extra large tub of slime green popcorn, it has been requested that we identify “aggressive” litigation counsel with whom we can consult to evaluate our alternatives and strategize.”

45 year old shut in Michael J Evans said:

Nothing makes me want to see a film more than when its wealthy and successful cast publicly shame and ridicule the direction that my life has taken, while demanding that I spend the little money that I have on the humiliation of watching their shameless studio cash as an act of redemption for being such a sad loser. I guess that its time to venture upstairs. I hope there is a good exchange rate on Good Boy Points against the dollar.”

Evans added

Maybe the film will be okay. I mean, judging by the trailers, the plot of the original 84 movie is mostly still there. Plus if you squint really hard, Melissa McCarthy kind of looks like Harold Ramis.” 

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