Wednesday, 25 February 2015

Growing Gamergater numbers fuels basement real estate boom

Growing numbers of so-called gamergaters are driving a property gold-rush that has seen demand for basement apartments soaring.

According to Clive from The North Illinois Journal of Land and Property, underground one-room apartments that fulfil a dual function as communal laundry rooms, and have shared access to kitchen and bathroom facilities located elsewhere on the property, are now the hottest tickets in real estate.

It's a trend that has not gone unnoticed by boutique social justice realtors such as 'Progressive Shacks' in San Francisco. Manager, Susan Song said:

For decades the basement-dwelling demographic has been almost exclusively morbidly-obese, neck-bearded, white, male virgins who hate women, despite often renting these rooms from their mothers. As demand for these properties outstrips available stock, increasing rents are driving out traditional tenants and forcing them to relocate to cheaper alternatives such as their brother Chad's old bedroom. Some have even been left with no option other than to move out altogether.

In their place we are seeing seeing a flood of wealthy, socially progressive tenants, who are re-purposing these subterranean dwellings as salt-water lagoons where they can enjoy a lethargic, subaquatic lifestyle in a safe space, free from the predatory attentions of sea lions.”

The conquest of the patriarchal underlands has sparked victory celebrations among those who follow the tenets of social justice:

By forcibly occupying spaces that were formerly inhabited by the CIS white male elite, and were previously no-go areas for women and minorities, we have enacted an unprecedented historic win over the patriarchy. At long last we have what they had,” said Volunteer Social Justice Warden and part-time Website Synergy Consultant, Darcy O' Keady.

Pausing to unfold a creaking Z-bed and draw a flimsy improvised curtain along a length of washing line, screening off the staircase and a washer/drier from the sleeping area, O'Keady continued:

Yet our victory is also a bitter defeat, for in conquering the traditional homelands of the CIS white male cultural overlords, the triumphant minorities have been forced underground, driven out of sight from society while our oppressors occupy our former above-ground homes and enjoy perks such as guaranteed privacy, natural light and great views over the bay area.

Meanwhile we find ourselves paying way over the odds for accommodation that is gloomy and substandard. This is surely a reflection of the unconscious social bias against minorities that I heard so much about at college.”

Many in the property business have advised caution among would-be landlords, describing the current demand for basement dwellings as a short-lived fad. One such sceptic is Real Estate Trends Analyst, Martha Brayley:

We would expect demand for these properties to peak sooner rather than later. In the long-term rents are likely to fall back to what they were prior to the property boom. Once their Patreon funds dry up the blue-haired trolls who currently occupy these 'artisan cellars' are likely to find themselves back in their natural habitat, sleeping under bridges.”

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Latest Social Justice revolution actually just a slight turn to the right

It was supposed bring about lasting to social change, but, according to recently released figures the latest social justice revolution managed only a 60 degrees turn to the right, leaving its organisers with a peripheral view of what is going on.

One of the revolutionary leaders who asked to be identified as Batman said:
Obviously we were hoping for a paradigm shift of 180 degrees resulting in a complete cultural about-face and a comprehensive overhaul of societal norms. We did not account for the actions of our oppressors pushing our revolution counter-clockwise and stalling our momentum.”

Professor Clarence Potts of Turnidge College, Cambridge, observed:

These social justice tail-chasers are on a downward spiral and seem to spend all their time going round and round in increasingly tighter and more vicious circles. Given their experience in this area its amazes me that they were unable to bring about a revolution. Maybe they just got giddy.”

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