Wednesday, 11 March 2015
(SATIRE) Josh McIntosh's prize-less Bingo leads to riots across the UK
Towns across the UK are counting the cost this morning after a night of rioting that saw police pelted with Bingo dabbers and fold-away chairs.
The trouble started during a game of Male Video Game Protagonist Bingo when the maverick caller Josh McIntosh announced that there would be no prizes.
“The moment I stood up and triumphantly shouted 'Bingo!' at the top of my voice was the one of the proudest of my life, rivalled only by the birth of my sixth daughter,” said retired professional ice-skater Sarah 'Queen of Blades' Kerrigan (77).
“I fully expected to be ushered onto the stage where a revolving platform would reveal the bounty I had earned through a deft combination of skill and lightning reflexes. When the homunculus who had been calling out the numbers informed me that the prize was my freshly-gained insight into limiting toxic patterns and that we were all winners I went berserk and attempted to strangle him. As my friends dragged me away I was ranting incoherently about Mrs Aran's daughter-in-law who won a BMW in the national Bingo game last month.”
Witnesses to the fracas stated that McIntosh had initially attempted to restore order. Concessions stand worker Bob Burtt said: “Josh attempted to pacify the baying mob, arguing that by surrendering to their violent impulses they were falling into the trap of externalising the aggressive tropes embodied by the cis white male identity. People in the crowd were throwing chairs and yelling at him to cite precedent and peer-reviewed sources. Eventually he fled.”
Amelia Croft (93) told MODE 5 that she relies on Bingo prizes to maintain an acceptable standard of living after her only daughter was sentenced to 30 years in a Peruvian jail for plundering sites of archaeological interest and shooting condors.
“I was incensed,” she said. “If I wanted to learn more about limiting toxic patterns I would have taken one of the numerous evening classes or Open University courses on the subject.”
Other admitted that McIntosh's behaviour earlier in the game had aroused their suspicions. Juri Han (54) said: “I could tell that something was wrong when he began using non-standard Bingo calls such as 'Brianna Wu, number two'. Mark my words he will pay a high price for his flagrant disregard of the established tropes of Tuesday Night Bingo. Just wait until my daughters Bayonetta and Bayonetta Two hear about this.”
Budding reporter Jason McFadden who has followed the activities of McIntosh and his charitable organisation Feminist Frequency, said that he was not surprised by the new developments:
“Bingo is the latest in a long list of fun activities to be hijacked by Feminist Frequency and used as a Trojan horse for their Orwellian programme of social engineering. If you want an idea of where they will strike next then write down all the things you really enjoy – chances are it will be one of those. My money is on roller-coasters, ice-cream or the new Avengers movie.”
This morning a spokesperson for Feminist Frequency urged calm:
“We would like to reassure the people of Great Britain that no one is going to take away your Bingo. We simply want to eliminate the prize winning element and drain any vestiges of fun from the experience with a view to increasing educational content.”
The actions of McIntosh have caused divisions among the ordinarily cohesive social justice community. Sarah Applewhite of the San Francisco-based think tank Selective Analogues said:
“Male Video Game Protagonist Bingo is clearly an unsuitable edutainment activity for people who are old enough to recall fighting fascism and therefore hardened to propaganda. Ideally this game should be deployed in a classroom setting where it can be used as a learning tool for children aged five or under, and perhaps disguised as a fun game to teach numbers.”