Thursday, 23 June 2016
(SATIRE) Zoe Quinn: 'Famous Five' author, Enid Blyton, was a GamerGater
Enid Blyton, the author of the popular 'Famous Five' books, has been exposed as a god-tier shitlord and an avid supporter of the terrorist hate group, GamerGate.
The disturbing claims were made by Zoe Quinn, the teal-haired originator of victimbux – a hyper-inflated virtual currency that has been described by economists as “what might theoretically happen if bitcoin got blind drunk one night and impregnated the Zimbabwean dollar.”
Quinn was spotted yesterday, raving on her Twitter account:
“What the fuck did I ever do to you, Blyton, that y'all had to make my suffering into a fucking joke.”
She added that she was tired of being trolled by long-dead celebrity figures from the past who could not be dog-piled by her supporters and hounded off social media.
Blyton, who died in 1968, penned 21 novels in her Famous Five series that followed the bucolic escapades of Julian, Dick, Anne, Georgina, and their dog, Timmy, as they romped across rural England having jolly adventures, foiling the attempts of smugglers to bypass import duty, and picnicking in peach orchards on lashings of hard-boiled eggs and jugs of lemonade.
However, the seemingly innocent books have drawn criticism from those who claim that the title of the series is a blatant reference to Quinn's sexual infidelities with five men, some of whom worked in the videogaming industry and who are alleged to have given her Depression Quest text adventure favourable coverage as a result.
“This is in unbelievably poor taste. Blyton obviously had friends living in 2014 who told her about GamerGate. The Famous Five books are a running joke at the expense of Zoe Quinn,” said part-time scarecrow, Brianna Wu.
Others attempted to match the members of the Famous Five with their real-life counterparts:
“Clearly Nathan Grayson is Timmy the dog. I suppose Kyle Pulver could be Anne because he kind of looks like he has a vagina. After that it's anybody's guess,” mused based college student Marc Berson.
Miles White, a practising celebrity stalker who works as a Professor of Taylor Swift Studies at the University of Missouri, counselled sympathy for the embattled Quinn:
“Zoe made a terrible mistake five times in succession, before attempting to silence her innocent boyfriend using laws that were designed to project the victims of violence from their tormentors. However we must remember that, at the heart of this, there is a troubled young woman for whom the mere exposure to the number five triggers gruesome flashbacks to the sight of Nathan Grayson, naked apart from a satin waistcoat and a steam punk pocket watch. We must remember that, in some nightmare parallel universe, Zoe Quinn could be our daughter.”
Among the cultural phenomenon, that have been cited by Quinn as forming part of a cruel GamerGate in-joke, are:
- The American pop group – The Jackson Five
- The stage musical - Five Guys Named Moe
- The instrumental jazz number - Take Five
- The American teen drama – Party of Five
- The final instalment in Peter Jackson's Hobbit trilogy - The Battle of Five Armies.
Sprawling human tumour, turned online critic, Movie Bob, said:
“If Peter Jackson had handled his shit properly and reduced the number of armies in the film by one, then Zoe Quinn would not have been triggered and the Hobbit trilogy would have been an hour shorter. Only when all references to the number five are removed from our cultural entertainment, and from our maths and science books, will Zoe be able to safely return to the home that she fled from in 2014.”
At the time of going to press the book publisher, Swirly Wren, had announced plans to release a further installment in Blyton's cherished saga, titled: The Famous Five Attend A Mandatory Sexual Consent Class At The University Of York.