(SATIRE) Anti-harassment campaign groups stage inaugural war games

Groups who campaign against online harassment have tested their readiness to battle internet trolls by staging a series of war games.

Forces from three anti-bullying groups took part in the games, deploying tried and tested online harassment techniques against each other in a battle royale.

The early stages of the simulation saw Crash Override Network (CON), headed by General Zoe Quinn, form an alliance with General Randi Harper. CON is rumoured to specialise in carrying out black ops, although next to nothing is known of its activities. Harper's mercenary group has previously taken credit for destabilising the free speech platforms of her ideological opponents. The two joined forces against General Candace Owens, whose SocialAutopsy website aims to build a public database of people who are alleged to have engaged in online harassment, with the end goal of exposing their purported activities to their families and employers.

Organisers of the games told MODE5:

“In the past, Generals Harper and Quinn have pitted their armies against the family of a debt collector, an isolated colony of wizards, and an organisation that works to promote opportunities for female videogame designers. The games will assess their preparedness to fight a war against online trolls and harassers, when they finally get around to doing that.”

The early stages of the skirmish saw the Harper/Quinn alliance softening their opponent with psychological warfare techniques, which included tearful phone calls and a good cop/bad cop strategy. They subsequently targeted SocialAutopsy's revenue streams and mobilized civilians into guerrilla cells to carry out “attack and fade” strikes on SA personal.

Critics remarked that SocialAutopsy did not seem to be aware of the existence of the games prior to the beginning of simulated hostilities, and were immediately forced into a defensive position from which they found it difficult to recover.

Susan Silk, who witnessed the battle while taking a short cut home across the internet, told our reporter:

“My boy, Daniel, asked me: 'Mummy, who are the goodies and who are the baddies?'

I replied: 'I don't know son, I don't know.'”

Brigadier Colinbury who acted as an adjudicator for the war games noted disturbing failures of intelligence on both sides, resulting in poor decision making. One security breach in the Harper/Quinn tactical command centre saw the two panicked Generals racing to delete classified material before it could be scrutinised by the enemy.

Colinbury added:

“There no winners in war, but that statement is even more true in this case. Quinn and Harper are unimaginative tacticians with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer being swung in the direction of a wall and missing. Owens' falls into the category of aspirant benign dictator, unaware of how utterly monstrous her plans for social revolution are. Mutually assured destruction has never been more well-deserved. Now, how about a nice game of chess?”