Wednesday, 24 December 2014
McIntosh doesn't want to take away your Christmas presents
TRIGGER WARNING: This unintended work of satire was created during a prolonged typing accident when my fingertips repeatedly slipped on a greasy keyboard. Anyone wishing to comment should do so in reverse order of privilege. This is a safe space so no queue-jumping please.
Social justice avenger, Joshua McIntosh, doesn't want to take away your Christmas presents. He just wants to replace them with better ones.
Speaking from a red leatherette-clad booth in the San Francisco-based 'Progressive Stack Pancake House' (where the burned and misshapen pancakes are eaten first) the blandly-featured poster-boy for the social justice movement said:
“Every year Santa Claus emerges from his Arctic bolt-hole and embarks upon a one day global campaign that strikes at the heart of social justice, handing out gifts to children that legitimise the concepts of misogyny and intolerance.
“Even his favoured mode of delivery, entering homes via a tight, sooty chimney before jamming as many presents as possible into a stocking, is a thinly-veiled gang rape metaphor.
Well, not tonight. Not on my watch.”
Clenching his jaw, McInotsh added darkly:
“It ends here.”
McIntosh, who gained his undisclosed super powers following accidental exposure to a massive dose of white liberal guilt, recently changed his name to Joshua to disguise his true identity.
“Santa can instinctively tell whether a child has been naughty or nice. Yet he is more than happy to deliver presents that are likely to encourage naughtiness in children. Wouldn't it be better for everyone if we simply removed this choice between being good or bad?”
“Tonight I shall follow closely in Santa's footsteps and remove any unsuitable gifts that he leaves behind. Any present that I decide is inappropriate will be replaced by a Social Justice Clementine – a small, juicy orange bearing a positive message such as 'Check your privilege twice. Don't be naughty, just be nice,' written on the peel in black permanent marker.
“Recipients of Social Justice Clementines should note that the toxic chemicals from the marker pen do tend to seep through the porous peel, rendering the fruit inedible. Do not eat them. Instead hang them up in a safe space and contemplate their universal message of tolerance.”
Asked whether there were sufficient Social Justice Clementines to meet with the expected high demand, McIntosh replied:
“We held a Kickstarter earlier in the year and raised in excess of $160,000 to support production. However, even working flat out since March, so far, we have only been able to produce two Social Justice Clementines. It remains a possibility that some children may have to go without a Christmas present this year.”
Asked whether he thought breaking into homes and looting Christmas presents might been regarded by some as unethical, McIntosh responded that he saw no moral dilemma, adding that he would be wearing special glasses that blurred out the faces of sleeping children.
A spokesperson for the McIntosh Foundation - a non-profit charitable division of McIntosh Enterprises – said:
“Regardless of what that coin-tossing, two-faced lawyer, Mike Cernovich, may believe, Joshua isn't going to take your Christmas presents away. All he is doing is replacing them with something of equal, if not greater, value: the gift of social justice, which is a gift to the whole world.
“We checked the law books and legally your Christmas presents aren't yours until you check the box on the gift tag stating that you have understood the mutable, unspoken terms and conditions attached to each item.”
Krampus - a malevolent goat-like demon from European folklore, who identifies himself as an anti-Christmas activist and occasional eater of children, said:
“While I may be a monster, Joshua McIntosh is quite obviously and objectively a massive terminal douche. When I stuff wicked children into my sack on Christmas Eve, I at least have the decency to make sure they have a portable games console to keep them entertained during the long journey back to hell.”
14 year old, self-identified gamer, Bradley ' the dude' Castle, from Norfolk, said: “If McIntosh thinks he can replace my new PS4 with a clementine he's got another thing coming. I'll be waiting in the front room with a pillowcase full of oranges. Let's see how that plays out you fucking dick.”
“Merry Christmas to all you mother fuckers. Except for my maths teacher, Mr Rowley. He can go fuck himself.”