Thursday, 4 December 2014

Former handwriting analyst condemns the role of vowels in violence against women

(Trigger warning: The following work of satirical fiction may contain traces of nuts)

Jonathan McIntosh and Anita Sarkeesian - the Sonny and Cher of the social justice fund-raising movement - were allegedly horrified after they discovered traces of violence in their own names!

Sarkeesian – a former crime-fighting, hand-writing analyst who has worked alongside amateur sleuths such as Father Dowling, Jessica Fletcher, Dr Mark Sloan, and Quincy M.E. - made the discovery during a routine practice autograph-signing session.

A friend of the couple said: “Jon and Anita were both horrified and extremely upset when they discovered that their own names contained letters commonly found in the word 'violence'. You never expect to encounter this level of aggression so close to home. The people who have, in effect, been assaulting them by repeating their names on social media should be banned from these sites immediately.”

Guardian journalist, Eunice Fairweather, who runs the social justice think tank - Emancus – said:

It is very disturbing that three of the five vowels in the western alphabet are active participants in violence. As a former handwriting analyst Anita knows only too well the power that letters can have in influencing our behaviour. By way of example, this morning I wrote a very one-sided article about alligators. Now I can't stop thinking about alligators and what total utter bastards they are.”

The couple are understood to have spent the last three days at a remote retreat in Big Sur, California, where their names are being purged of any traces of violence. Henceforth Jonathan McIntosh will be known as 'Jatha Mtsh' while Anita Sarkeesian will go by the name 'Ata Sarksa'.

A blue-haired spokesperson for the couple said:

Jatha and Ata need a safe space where they can adjust to their new circumstances and slowly rebuild their shattered lives. We ask the media to respect their privacy at this difficult time. We urge supporters to donate generously to their Patreon accounts.”


An attempt by Jonathan McIntosh and Anita Sarkeesian to change their names has been blocked after their new identities were found to belong to background characters from the film Return of the Jedi.

A press statement read out on behalf of the couple said:

Our understanding is that Ata Sarksa is the name of a hand-puppet who appeared in some of the Jabba's palace scenes. Jatha is a CGI creation who did not appear in the original theatrical run of the film but was added to one of the later special editions. Unfortunately both names are trademarked.”

The couple have launched a Kickstarter that they hope will fund the creation of a new alphabet. According to a summary of the project on the site the social justice alphabet will be eight characters long and will “eliminate all problematic words and banish harassment from written and spoken language by phrasing all conversation in the form of unarguable statements.”

STOP PRESS AGAIN! (Oh, for fuck's sake, what now? - ED)

Retail conglomerate, Target, have become the first business to adopt a zero-tolerance stance on violence by removing any letters associated with the word from their brand-name:

A spokesperson for the company said:

Target will cement its well-deserved reputation as an ethical business by re-branding itself as 'Targt' just as soon we acquire the rights. We are engaged in negotiations with the business currently trading under this name, which we understand is a Russian military surplus wholesaler specialising in former soviet tanks.”

STOP PRESS YET AGAIN! (Right, that's it Timothy, I'm coming down there. - ED)

Colour-changing attention sponge, Zoe Quinn, has become the latest in a parade of e-celebs to crawl up onto dry land, denounce the environment as inhospitable to sub-aquatic multicellular organisms, and then shed any vowels and consonants associated with the word 'violence' from their name;

Reception to the move has been muted in social justice circles:

I worry that with a name like Z Qu she could be mistaken for a rapper and therefore associated with a genre of music that has a long history of misogyny,” said 14 year old Claire Bell from Barnstaple

Mildly amused scientists momentarily paused an experiment where they were attempting to convince a large population of white mice to stop fucking each other, to warn 'Z' that, were she to shed any further letters from her name, she risked being classified as an element and incorporated into the periodic table between Copernicium (Cn) and Ununtrium (Uut).

When Mode Five approached Z for comment she jettisoned a cloud of ink, ordinarily used to defend herself against attacks from sealions, and changed her hair colour to blend in with the wall of a nearby Patreon-funded hotel room.

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