Sunday, 22 March 2015

Where were you when you heard Gamergate is kill? One man's moving experience

> Be five
> Be at school
> Learning to push different-shaped coloured blocks through tight wooden holes
> Sex education rules
> Also learning basic numeracy and literacy
> Teacher writes 'Gamergate is kill' on blackboard
> No

> Be six
> Get Power Droid Star Wars Action figure
> Power level now exceeds 9000
> Mother: “Share some of your power level with your little brother”
> “But Mum!”
> Share power level with little brother. Personal Power level now at 6000
> Read no longer mint condition Power Droid packaging:
> 'Suitable for ages 4 and up'
> 'Made in Taiwan'
> 'Gamergate(TM) is kill'
> No

> Be eight
> Typing code from library book into BBC Model B micro computer
> Worth it just so I can play awesome moon lander game for five minutes
> Gonna land this fucker on 32kb of pure RAM, bitches
> Line 320 Print “Gamergate is Kill”
> Line 330 Goto line 350
> Line 340 No
> Line 350 Blocked

> Be teenager
> April 1st
> Best friend tells me “Gamergate is no kill”
> Me: “WTF? When?”
> “Actually April Fool. Really Gamergate is kill”
> No

> Be 17
> Two things I hate most: When people say “Gamergate is kill” and Cornflake Girl by Tori Amos
> About to have sex
> Remove robe and wizard hat
> Girl: “Gamergate is kill. Put CD single of Cornflake Girl by Tori Amos on repeat and let's celebrate.”
> Erection is also kill
> No

> Be dreaming
> Be drinking with Leigh Alexander
> Leigh orders mineral water / chats pleasantly using her indoor voice
> Wake up
> Leigh Alexander points to the Mediterranean region on world map.
> Leigh: “This is Sparta”
> Still dreaming
> wake up again
> Leigh Alexander: “Gamergate is kill”
> No

> Be watching Revenge of the Sith at the cinema
> Be too old for this shit
> Someone runs into the theatre: “Gamergate is kill”
> Nooooooooooooooooooo!
> Also “Do not want.”

> Be Muggle
> Be reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
> Snape: “Gamergate is Kill”
> No
> Spoilers

> Be at hospital
> Doctor: “The test results have come back and I'm afraid that it's bad news: Gamergate is kill.”
> Me: “What's the prognosis?”
> Doctor: “Kill”
> No
> Doctor: “The first stage of grief is denial”
> Me: “No it isn't”

> Be dead
> Be in heaven
> Ask Saint Peter: “Where is the ghost of Gamergate who is kill?”
> Saint Peter: “Gamergate is no kill”
> Ghost of Mark Twain: “Reports of Gamergate is kill have been greatly exaggerated”
> Ghost of Sir Alec Guinness: “Gamergate is what gives a Gamer their power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us none sexually. It binds the galaxy together”
> Drink whiskey with St Peter and the ghosts of Mark Twain and Sir Alec Guinness
> Get tattoos of anchors and mermaids to celebrate Gamergate is no kill
> Gamergate is no kill

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