Monday, 16 March 2015
(SATIRE) Leigh Alexander: “God has instructed me to build an ark”
The self-described human megaphone told a small crowd of disciples:
“God has instructed me to build an ark. I am to fashion this ship from gopher wood – literally the erect penises of small prairie-dwelling rodents. There will be rooms within the ark. These will pitched within and without with pitch in accordance with current hipster thought on interior décor. Once on board we will drink from jam jars and serve food in flower pots or in some other quirky container. The ark will be 300 cubits long, 50 cubits wide, and 30 cubits high.”
“It cannot have escaped anyone's notice that salt-water levels are continuing to rise. For reasons not yet understood by science this upsurge is highest in areas where those who are sympathetic to the cause of social justice tend to congregate. If this continues then the flood threatens to become a torrent that will sweep us all away.
“To preserve the very best that humanity has to offer I will allow two of every minority into the belly of my privilege ark. CIS white males who are pre-eminent in the field of shipbuilding may contribute to the construction of the ark on a voluntary basis but will not be permitted to seek solace within and will drown with the rest of the scum.”
At the time of writing a large number of angry, impotent, bearded young men had already volunteered their services to the project.
“Our plan is to voyage aimlessly for 40 days and 40 nights by which time we expect the misogynist CIS white males who allied themselves with Gamergate will have been purged from the land.”
Media commentators who couldn't think of anything more interesting to write about are already comparing Alexander's odyssey to Jenn Frank's self-imposed 19 day exile from journalism.
Games blogger Colin Thrift who proudly describes himself as a dual class White Knight / Wizard said:
“The time Leigh spends in her wooden echo chamber adrift upon the briny wilderness is likely to transform her into a messianic figure - like Gandhi re-imagined by a focus group as more obnoxious and in your face.”
Another source who refused to be named said:
“By the time we weigh anchor, 40 days from now, this whole Gamergate shit storm will have blown over. Leigh will be able to ditch the ark, call in some favours and maybe secure a column on some high end clickbait site like The Guardian.”
Leigh Alexander refusing to leave ark.
Leigh Alexander is refusing leave the ark where she has spent the past 40 days and 40 nights, despite fears that the badly leaking vessel is sinking.
The unseaworthy craft which has remained moored in the Port of San Francisco ever since its launch is currently being kept afloat by a pyramid of whales.
A booming disembodied voice emanating from the heavens told MODE 5:
“God sent unto Ms Alexander a dove bearing an olive branch in its beak, as confirmation of a safe space, where she and her people will be granted the liberty to hector anyone who disagrees with their world-view, while they remain unscathed from reprisals. Alexander made it known that, on principle, she would not accept a token of good faith from a CIS white male dove and will stay on board the ark for the foreseeable future. We have advised her to evolve gills as a matter of urgency.”
A statement from the ark was delayed while the occupants worked out a hierarchy that would allow the least privileged crew member to speak first. The spokesperson criticised the rainbow, that had been offered by God as a sign of commitment to the principles of social justice, as not being diverse enough:
“We feel that this is an inappropriate image; one that fails to embody the experiences of those resident on the ark and therefore imposes a false narrative,” they said.
They added that image of the rainbow used in this contest was “disturbingly penetrative.”
Alexander was later seen leaning over the deck rail of the badly listing ark bellowing at some seagulls: “You don't need God! God is dead!”
God confirmed to MODE 5 that negotiations with the crew of the ark, which had previously taken place publicly on social media, had stalled:
“It would appear that I have been mass-reported by Ms Alexander and her friends for making abusive posts on Twitter. I am currently locked out of my account pending an investigation,” said the immortal and unfathomable being as it moved upon the face of the waters.