Wednesday, 10 June 2015

(SATIRE) Guardian newspaper issues copyright infringement claim against ancient Mesopotamian emperor

Museums across the world are removing from display exhibits dating back to the reign of the ancient Mesopotamian ruler, Sargon of Akkad. The move comes after these archaeological discoveries were found to infringe upon trademarks owned by The Guardian newspaper. 

Tonight, following the purge, some museums were reporting a 60% reduction in the number of objects in glass cases still left on display.

Brian Coldudder - Custodian of the North Yorkshire Museum of Coal and Tin Bathtubs - told MODE 5: “Sargon of Akkad memorabilia has been at the heart of our public exhibit for well over two decades. My father curated displays of found objects dating back to reign of the great emperor, as did his father before him. I dare-say my son will follow in my footsteps.

With our Sargon of Akkad collection gone, we're down to fragments of a Roman urn that some boy scouts found in Leeds. We've got three school parties due to arrive tomorrow and nothing to show them. God only knows what we'll do if this isn't sorted out.”

Meanwhile concerns have been raised at the British Museum that a wing of the building devoted to the ancient Mesopotamian ruler, might draw the attention of the nominations committee for the Turner Prize for modern art, were it to be emptied of its contents.

Museum curator, Cecil Beaconthorpe-Grayling said:

The pretentious font of chin-stroking, BBC Culture Show arsery, that is the Turner Prize committee, will nominate our empty museum wing for their contemptuous modern art award over my perfectly-preserved mummified body. I will cut every last one of their throats with a ceremonial Phoenician elephant-gelding scythe before I allow it.”

Guardian online technology journalist, Colin Oarful, has previously written articles citing Sargon's actions in the battle of Uruk, in 2271BC, as being a key factor in delaying the release of the iPhone 5. He said that he felt compelled to bring legal action after a trademark he had registered with the help of Guardian lawyers was breached by the emperor:

The neatly-forked facial hair depicted in the armoured cast of Sargon of Akkad's face bears unmistakable similarities to a beard that I grew in 2014 and subsequently trademarked to prevent other hipsters from copying me.

I immediately flagged this breach of copyright with the executive board at The Guardian and threatened to walk out if they didn't take my complaint seriously. They don't have Glenn Greenwald or Edward Snowden on board anymore to lend them credibility, and so they had no choice other than to agree to my absurd demands.”

Susan Hoopearings - Editor of The Guardian Weekend Quinoa supplement - told MODE 5 that Oarful's claim was just one of over 9000 copyright infringements made by Sargon of Akkad, for which the paper was now seeking reparation:

Of these the most damning is Sargon's ethnic headgear which bears a strong resemblance to an urban headdress that is currently being sold in the paper for £400, or £789 for two.

In addition, the military campaigns conducted by Sargon of Akkad to subjugate the so-called 'fertile crescent' of North-East Africa and Western Asia bear striking similarities to a guided 7-day excursion in this region that is available exclusively to readers of our paper for the bargain sum of £8275 plus VAT.

We will not stand idly by while some upstart military ruler from 22BC drags the good name of The Guardian through the mud. We employ trained journalists to do that.”

Guardian reader and distant descendent of Sargon of Akkad, Graham Robb, said: “I am of course well aware that large parts of The Guardian are written exclusively by imbeciles – The same can be said of any newspaper, and I do like the Cook pull-out in the Saturday edition.”

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