Friday, 19 June 2015

(SATIRE) We journeyed through thousands of parallel universes until we found an E3 that would issue us with a press pass

In our ongoing battle for relevance in the face of better-written gaming blogs, penned by people who know what they're talking about, MODE 5 combed through thousands of parallel universes until we found an E3 with low enough standards to issue us with a press pass.

While we were there we managed to tear ourselves away from rooftop discussions about politics in the Philippines long enough to attend two press conferences:

Depression Quest 2: Stage invasion as “unfathomably dull” franchise is unveiled before an indifferent crowd

Dismal text adventure Depression Quest will be shortly be returning to the MacBooks of Patreon-dependent hipsters at a coffee shop near you, with the game's release date timed to coincide with the death of the comedian Louis CK.

Those who pre-order will receive one of five limited edition statuettes of a glum looking hipster who will recite codes that unlock exclusive downloadable content when a cord on their back is pulled. The DLC includes eight additional forms of depression, five of which are unknown to psychiatry and were developed exclusively for the game. There is also a bonus level where your character gets to visit a Tiki bar but doesn't really enjoy the experience.

Depression Quest 2: Reign of Zandor is described by its creators as existing within the Depression Quest universe but running in parallel to the events that occurred in the original game. The story begins with your protagonist in weekly therapy sessions with their psychiatrist Dr Zandor – the enigmatic shrink from Depression Quest who refuses to elaborate on whether his approach to therapy favours a Freudian or a Jungian model.

Literally weeks in development, the game, unlike its predecessor, allows players to design their own character from scratch simply by typing a different name into the text field prior to beginning the story.

A spokesperson for the 60-person-strong development team said:

The biggest change is that in Depression Quest 2 you can literally be whoever you want, whether that's a Care Bear or an Imperial Stormtrooper. You are bound only by your imagination and the 30 character limit (although anyone who pre-orders the deluxe edition will get an extra five characters).”

The Depression Quest press conference at alternative E3 was accessed via a series of near-identical branching corridors, with the gaggle of expectant gaming hacks being guided to the press hall by doomy badly-played piano. The late-starting presentation was further delayed by stage invaders who were searching for the exit.

Journalists live-blogging the conference expressed disappointment at the in-game footage they were shown. Twitter keyboard warrior @OneTrueJoshman wrote:

This level of tedium shouldn't be considered normal. It's not an excuse to say it's expected because DEPRESSION QUEST. That's the problem.”

Another blogger tweeted:

Only a few minutes at the Depression Quest press conference and it's literally wall to wall glorification of ennui. I can barely watch, but I will anyway.”

Others were critical of the lack of progress in the gaming interface. Rob Lamb from the Financial Times said:

Judging from the obviously pre-rendered gameplay footage, Depression Quest 2 has barely advanced graphically or in terms of game play. A slightly tweaked font aside, this a clearly a 2013 text adventure. At best it's Depression Quest v1.1 as opposed to the full-fledged sequel the fans were promised.”

YouTube gaming titan, Total Biscuit, told MODE 5:

I remain troubled by the low frame rates. The PC I play games on is so powerful that it is extremely unlikely that it would recognise Depression Quest 2 as software. I will have to turn the settings right down to their lowest levels and severely under-clock the processor if I want to run this game.”

Total Biscuit added that, in the interest of professional ethics, he felt the need to disclose that he was of the same species as the developer of Depression Quest 2 and might possibly share some common ancestry if you delved far enough back into his family tree.

Occulus Rift will abide by Rule 34

Aficionados of wanton, sweat-soaked video-gaming sessions and 60 frames-per-second sex, who were hoping to bring these two interests together in a believable 3-dimensional virtual world, were cruelly cock-blocked at the eleventh hour following an announcement that the Occulus Rift VR headset would censor pornographic content.

Despite this setback MODE 5 understand that the Occulus Rift will still abide by Rule 34 of the internet, which dictates that if something exists then there will be porn of it.

Speaking from the Large Hadron Collider, internet scientist, Eugene Glover, said:

Rule 34 is as immutable as the fundamental laws of physics. Even God, if he or she exists, is subject to its tenets and must resign themselves to appearing in fan-made artwork screwing Marge Simpson from behind.”

Technology Journalist, Jason Cullen, told MODE 5 that it may only be a matter of weeks before somebody attempts to have sex with an Occulus Rift:

While from a software point of view the Occulus Rift is likely to remain a porn-free sex desert, I can say with outright certainty that, as we speak, a scattered army of disenfranchised perverts are envisioning ways they can screw the hardware.

Within a year of release your email inbox is likely to contain at least one amusingly-captioned jpeg depicting the X-ray of someone who forced an Occulus Rift into their anal cavity.”

Cullen added that images of Occulus Rift headsets liberally drizzled in male reproductive fluid, or forced into a pair of women's panties with the printed cut-out face of Hilary Clinton sellotaped to the screen, were likely to join Goatse and Tubgirl in a library of disturbing mental images that you can't un-see and which will follow you to the grave.

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