Tuesday, 2 June 2015
Violent scenes as a temple of Cthulhu in Minecraft is mistaken for a cathedral of misogyny
The brick-based world of Minecraft was beset by scenes of ugly, low-resolution violence and mild peril when a temple dedicated to the Great Old One – Cthulhu - was targeted by social justice warriors, who had mistaken it for a cathedral of misogyny.
Social Justice Warriors descended en masse upon the appalling basilica whose foreboding buttressed ramparts and abominable vaulted ceilings are a perversion of the very essence of nature, confounding all conventional notions of geometry, and instilling within a human spectator a pervading sense of nausea that sickens the very soul.
Margaret Bickering, who participated in the raid, said:
“From a distance the temple resembled a twisted, ash-blackened penis racked by disease yet somehow still standing partially erect and continuing to exert its patriarchal dominance over the surrounding lands. Our intention was to push it over and then burn the rubble.
“Upon our arrival at a set of outer gates fashioned from human bone that had been only partly stripped of flesh, we were made aware by one of the temple keepers that what we had thought was a Cathedral of Misogyny, erected by the Gamergate movement, was in fact just a humble shrine to Cthulhu - a hideous dragon-winged, octopus-headed deity whose preferred mode of dress is a grass skirt and Mardi Gras beads.
“Having satisfied ourselves that the cult does not concern itself with the oppression of women, but is instead focused on the broader objective of bringing about the total and utter subjugation of all humankind, we withdrew our forces and returned to Tumblr.”
One of a multitude of nameless slithering aberrations, that squeeze their gelatinous tentacled bodies through a catacomb of unnatural fissures beneath the dreadful sanctum, described the arrival of the social justice hate mob as “unsettling.”
The anomalous horror added:
“I can confirm that earlier today we were visited by a throng of portly, blue-haired gargoyles, holding aloft hastily constructed placards bearing unfathomable slogans that seemed to originate from the fringes of insanity and undermine the very tenets of base common sense. Some screeched like baby birds while others chanted in a brutish guttural language calling for our white tears and demanding that we give them money, or that we establish a 'no rape zone' in the frightful chancel where we hang our giant prayer flags fashioned from the wailing sentient skin of a flayed god.
“Although each of our assailants appeared to be an individual, a closer inspection revealed that they were the tentacles of a single horrifying entity, and unified towards a single purpose. Occasionally one of these mewling growths would enter into a mild disagreement with its neighbours who would immediately set about devouring it.
"It was, without a shadow of a doubt, one of the most revolting spectacles I have ever laid my 800 eyes on.”
The mob withdrew after being reassured by vicar, Timothy Warren, who conducts a Sunday sermon at the temple, that the cult of Cthulhu holds no interest in driving women out of videogaming and STEM fields.
Describing himself as neither pro nor anti Gamergate, Warren told MODE 5:
“So insignificant and pitiful is our species that even the more left-leaning, Guardian-reading Elder Gods regard us as little more than livestock. It is the fate of humanity to be broken and debased in ways that transcend flesh-bound concepts such as gender and privilege.”
The caretaker of the temple, whose name cannot be uttered less the syllables spoken together unleash the 12 pestilences, but who resembles a hippopotamus in the process of vomiting a giant, mucus-covered spider, said:
“The temple actually has an interesting history. It was constructed by Shoggoths at the beginning of the 2nd Stone Age. To this day nobody knows the exact method they used to transport building materials from the nether plane.”
Speaking of the glass ceiling in the South Transept, which many Social Justice Warriors have cited as evidence of institutionalised sexism in Cthulhu worship, the slobbering abomination said:
“The mirror of torment was installed in the ceiling of the temple in 1988 after the cosmic entity Yog-Sothoth gained ownership of the building and transformed it into a weekend bachelor pad. Mortals who look upon it may never avert their gaze, and are fated to stare transfixed as scenes of their torment and the torment of everyone they ever cared about play out upon its surface.”
this afternoon, sympathy for the Cthulhu cultists was in short supply among Social Justice Warriors who remain unrepentant, with many opining that the alien monstrosities who are calling for a public apology “should shut up check their tentacle privilege.”
“Instead complaining about our unprovoked attack on their temple, the cultists should use the incident as an opportunity to highlight the appalling treatment of women on Twitter. The horrors that will one day be visited upon this earth by great Cthulhu pale in comparison to the sexism experienced on a daily basis by former gender studies graduates.”
Cthulhu, who is reported to be resting after briefly awakening from an age-long slumber to pursue a boatload of sailors, could not be reached for comment.