Thursday, 20 August 2015

(SATIRE) Agent 47 abandoned in sleazy strip joint by Feminist Frequency researcher

A Feminist Frequency researcher investigating sexism in videogaming allegedly abandoned the genetically engineered hitman, Agent 47, in a sleazy, dimly-lit strip joint where he was over-charged for drinks and assaulted by burly men in Tuxedos.

A spokesperson for the International Contract Agency – a shadowy temping organisation that employs killers for hire - said:

It appears that Agent 47 was lured to the Vixen Club by a researcher working for Feminist Frequency on the pretence of carrying out a hit on the joint's skeevy owner, Dom Osmond. The researcher accompanied our agent to the location of the hit but abandoned him soon after, leaving him powerless to escape and vulnerable to exploitation and physical assault by the club's staff.”

When asked by MODE 5 for comment, Agent 47 told our reporter:

I was approached by the Agency to perform a hit on the owner of a strip joint. A clause in the contract specified that my client would accompany me on the job and would make notes on my performance as part of an assessment that might possibly result in me being offered more work.

Having arrived at the Vixen Club my client spoke at length with a member of the floor staff. After her enquires as to the location of the club's safe space and the availability of Play Doh were dismissed as feeble attempts at humour, and her request to be shown to the ball pit resulted in her being given directions to a gay bar called 'The Bear Pit' across town, she left abruptly mumbling something under her breath about the patriarchy.

I remained at the strip club where I was approached by a woman who asked me whether I wanted some company. At the time I was flattered by her romantic interest. Life can be lonely for a hitman.

Following 15 minutes of dreary conversation I was presented with a bill charging me $800 for two Bacardi and cokes. When I informed the club staff that I did not have the money to pay for the drinks the demeanour of my female companion changed. She told me that she would have to call Barry to sort it out.

While she was making the call, two large men dressed in Tuxedos positioned themselves at either end of the horseshoe-shaped booth where I was sitting, barring my exit. Barry finally arrived and he was wider than the side of a barn. Despite my best efforts I found myself unable to manoeuvre into a position where I could strangle him from behind with my fibre wire. I was frog-marched by four Vixen Club bouncers to the nearest cash machine and forced to withdraw and then handover $1000 from my bank account.”

Lawyer Ken Rosenberg who is representing Agent 47 said:

The whole contract stinks of a set up: Prior to the hit, allegedly for reasons of maintaining a credible cover story, it was requested that my client sign up with the Ashley Madison dating agency for adulterers. He was also asked to weaponise his penis so that it could fire a small poison dart. On the night of the hit it was requested, again as part of his cover story, that he wear a shirt similar in design to the one that landed British scientist, Dr Matt Taylor, in trouble last year. My client is an upstanding member of the hired killer community who ordinarily would partake in none of these activities and who only did so in the context of work out of a sense of professionalism.

The outcome of this hit has resulted in irreparable damage to my client's reputation. His ranking at the Agency has dropped from 'silent assassin' to 'rube'. Currently the only jobs he is being offered are hitman-o-grams where he turns up at stag nights or birthday parties and pretends to assassinate his target with a pair of nerf guns. Occasionally, as part of the hit, he is also required to perform a striptease.”

A spokesperson for the producers of Hitman: Absolution said: “We ask gamers who play our Hitman titles to do so responsibly and to end their gaming sessions in a manner that provides closure to Agent 47. It is not right to just abandon him mid-level leaving him vulnerable to attack, or at the mercy of the elements.”

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