Saturday, 29 August 2015
(SATIRE) Following a visit by Gamergate, Birmingham cracks the top 10 in the Worldwide Mario Kart League
This morning, as delegates from the much-maligned consumer ethics movement – Gamergate - descended upon the city of Birmingham, England, the only noticeable impact was the jewel of the West-Midlands' dramatic leap up the ranks of the Worldwide Mario Kart League.
The league, which is compiled using online data, groups individual Mario Kart players by city to create a global ranking system. Birmingham, which had previously languished at around the 2000 mark, had at the time of writing risen to 9th in the league, placing it just behind the French town of Rouen, whose medieval streets were the inspiration for the Mario Kart track - Rainbow Road.
“The Gamergaters are well-known for their prowess in Mario Kart. Their arrival has really nudged the average in our favour and has raised the possibility of Birmingham representing the United Kingdom at the World Mario Kart Championships next April,” said delighted Mayor, Clare Kilby.
Prior to the arrival of Gamergate warnings had been issued by social justice groups that the movement's presence in Birmingham would engulf the city in a cloud of misogyny so toxic that it would be visible to the naked eye as it attempted to creep down the cleavages of local women. Writing in The Guardian, Liz Spencer had warned of thickets of erect penises rising like smokestacks from the landscape, while blogger Karen Cresswell had predicted that women working in STEM fields or in videogame development would flee the city like terrified animals who had sensed the imminent eruption of a volcano.
With the Gamergate celebrations now in full swing eye-witnesses have reported an amiable, good-natured and diverse crowd of individuals.
Birmingham officials are now hoping that some of the Gamergaters will stay and put down roots in the city in a proposed Mario District to be constructed around a community centre that will be christened Bowser's Castle.
“We plan to plant mushroom beds, encourage wild turtles to move into the area and build affordable housing on platforms that will only be accessible by well-timed jumps,” said a spokesperson for the city council.