Monday, 14 March 2016
(SATIRE) Panic as GamerGate finalises plan to save its progress
( SavePoint: A Discussion on the Gaming Community will take place in Austin, Texas on Tuesday, March 15, 2016, between 3:30pm and 4:30pm. More details can be found here: http://schedule.sxsw.com/2016/events/event_PP57734 )
Following 20 months of frenetic, unsecured gameplay, and conspicuous popcorn consumption, GamerGate has finally revealed plans to save its progress.
The save point will be the Texas-based SxSW server, with the upload taking place on Tuesday, 15th March.
Explaining the long-delayed move to back up its data, a spokesperson for GamerGate told MODE 5:
“To be honest we've been too caught up in the moment to think about saving. On any given day you could have found us building our 7-figure combo against Gawker Media, causing the company to repeatedly eject showers of gold coins. Or perhaps rescuing an eight year old damsel in distress from a marauding transsexual paedophile, intent on harvesting crotch shots to share with their equally unsavoury online buddies. Or we might have been nimbly ducking under the wild, misguided swings of 'Big Plaid', which is what we are calling Anita Sarkeesian now. Or we could have been timing our jumps to avoid being knocked off balance by the earth tremors that ensue whenever the ape-like Randi Harper pummels the ground with her enormous meaty fists.
“So far, it's been a wild wide and we kind of forgot about backing anything up. Plus we are playing on the highest difficulty setting which limits the number of saves you can have.”
Gamergate every-woman and future Olympian, Vivian James, took time out from her punishing Battletoads training schedule to acknowledge GamerGate's L33T status, but questioned whether a save was needed at this point, given the level of resistance:
“I put our runaway success down to the low quality opponents we have faced so far, the piss poor enemy A.I, and the predictable, glitchy boss battles. To wit, when the countdown reaches zero in the Zoe Quinn time trial, the clock resets itself, rendering the whole exercise moot. You would have thought they would have pulled their fingers out and fixed that by now.”
“The only areas where we have performed poorly are those where the game deliberately cheats in order to win. The boss battle with Zoe Quinn takes the form of a text adventure where the options most likely to secure victory are crossed through and greyed-out, and can't be clicked upon. The player is left with no option other than to select unfavourable actions, such as donating 90% of their salary to fund Quinn's undocumented anti-harrassment work, or submitting to her legal team's request for a gagging order.
“The battle with Anita Sarkeesian is an unplayable cutscene that you can't interact with, where she always emerges as the victor.
“Other parts of the game are inaccessible. So far I have been unable to play the Brianna Wu level, because it hasn't been ported to the PC yet.
“Sometimes I get so bored I drag some of my fellow shitlords into a big multiplayer battle. To outsiders, it might look like our community has turned against itself, but really we're just rough-housing and blowing off a little steam.”
The announcement from GamerGate caused alarm on the financial markets with Victims Bucks falling sharply against the Pound and the Euro at the close of trading, and Twitter shares taking another predictable tumble into the abyss.
Meanwhile, popcorn companies have claimed a record surge in sales, with the manufacturers of Butterkist reporting that staff at all levels of the company are being encouraged to make popcorn in their spare time, at home, in order to keep pace with the public demand for the product.
The run up to SavePoint has been met with outcry from the rag-tag band of blue-haired women with underactive thyroids, and cowed bearded men, that comprise the social justice movement.
“Didn't we kill GamerGate in October 2014. Srs/ly why are they not dead? #ClearlyPlayingInCheatmode,” wailed HearMeRar_45.
“It would be poetic justice if we killed GamerGate right before they saved,” vented John Nonyce.
“Saving progress is harASSMENt,” raged GodHelpTheGamerGrrrl, on Twitter.
MODE5 witnessed one protestor holding up a sign that read “GamerGate is hitting me. Pls donate,” while vigorously punching herself with her spare hand.
Another unidentified activist was overheard speculating on whether the memory card containing GamerGate's saved progress could be snatched and doused in a mug full of male tears, in the hope of irrevocably corrupting the data.
One leading anti-GamerGate figure claimed to have used her influence to divert a Texas-bound flight, containing the Breitbart reporter and leading black lives matter activist, Milo Yiannopoulos, to Anchorage, Alaska.
She told MODE5:
“I think that banning the individuals associated with GamerGate from openly debating with supporters and dissenters in a public forum would be a very good way of starting a conversation regarding online harassment. Since that won't happen I would like to assure anyone who is triggered by the prospect of the hour-long panel, that there will be a safe space nearby where you can pet the dog from Nintendo's Duck Hunt. We have dyed his fur blue for the occasion. Just look for the almost empty room with the blue dog in it.”
The SavePoint panel is seen by many as a further blow to the authoritarian social justice movement who are on the backslide as awareness of their beliefs and activities grows among the general public.
The SJW division tasked with overhauling videogaming has recently lost key figures. Among them, the grand dame of gaming journalism, Leigh Alexander, who, last year, was last exiled into deep space by her employers, and who recently saved over her own progress by accident. Faced with starting again from scratch with no equipment, save for a wooden stick and a boiled leather breastplate, Alexander elected to retire from the industry.
However, others continue to battle on: Magenta-haired goblin, Penny Dreadful, said:
“What is absolutely galling to me, is that GamerGate have leveled-up five times today without even trying. Meanwhile I am still struggling to reach level 2. I of course blame the patriarchy.”
Dreadful then stamped her foot so hard that she splintered the floorboards, causing one of her legs to become trapped.