Wednesday, 23 March 2016
(SATIRE) Gawker's financial future may depend on Denton sex tape
The future of the online media conglomerate, Gawker, could hinge upon an amateur sex video made by senior editorial staff at the company. The drastic solution to the company's financial woes follows a ruling by a Florida court, who judged that Gawker had invaded the wrestler, Hulk Hogan's, privacy when it posted a sex tape that had been filmed without his knowledge. The website was ordered to pay $115million in damages. This sum was later increased by a further $25million in punitive damages.
According to an unnamed source at Gawker:
“[Gawker Founder] Nick Denton held a meeting today to discuss Gawker's future. Basically everybody you hate from the internet was together in one room at the same time. All those hours you spent playing Hitman games and you missed your shot guys. Well done.
“Anyway, Denton told everyone that the only way the company is going to survive is if senior editorial staff make an amateur sex tape. Once finished the plan is to burn it onto a DVD and then leave it outside Hulk Hogan's house, where he will hopefully find it and put it online.
“Gawker can then counter-sue Hogan for the money he won last week. Denton believes that this will bring about a fair and balanced outcome to the case.”
A source who claims to have seen the hastily-filmed sex tape told MODE 5:
“It begins with Denton and that effete, waistcoat-wearing fop, Nathan Grayson, who looks even more like a Victorian pervert than normal, cruising the suburbs in a people carrier. Jason Schreier, who is also with them, periodically leans out of one of the passenger windows and asks lone women if they want to party, and of course nobody does.
“Eventually they encounter [Former Gawker editor] A.J. Daulerio who is looking for an easy way to pay off his student loan. At this point the action moves to Gawker HQ, which appears to be a motel room.
“After that any semblance of plot goes out the window and it's a good old-fashioned, no-holds-barred sausage bang – it's more or less Batman Vs Superman with lower quality special effects and less intentional lens flare. The video budget apparently didn't stretch to lube so its very authentic. Lots of grimacing. Some guy from Lifehacker teaches Sam Biddle a new way of plugging his holes. Kotaku writer and alleged former lover of Zoe Quinn, Nathan Grayson, is assured that girls don't have to be your sexual partners. Girls are over.
“At one point Denton asks everybody to stop what they are doing while he makes sure that they are definitely not being filmed. A lawyer hands him a signed affidavit confirming that no cameras are recording the event and the gang bang resumes. It's very artistic.”
A spokesperson for Gawker said:
“Nick expects to have this unfortunate Hogan business sorted by the end of the week. After that Gawker can return to servicing journalism the only way it knows how: By trawling the blackest depths of the internet for sex tapes of five year old celebrities, and posting amateur footage of crying drunk girls being sexually molested in bars.”