Thursday, 3 March 2016
(SATIRE) Retired actress, Emma Watson, unveils “great alternatives to pornography”
Stock footage of railway locomotives entering tunnels and rockets blasting off into space are viable alternatives to hardcore pornography, including, but not limited to, energetic face-sitting, gallons of gracefully-arcing cum, and overweight amateur couples copulating with the same lumpen grace and indifferent vigour as lions humping on the sun-baked plains of the Serengeti. This is according to retired actress Emma Watson.
Addressing the part of the United Nations that isn't busy clearing minefields in war zones or administering life-saving vaccinations, the star of Noah and The Bling Ring said:
“We should be creating lots of awesome, great alternatives to pornography.”
The young performer, who recently played the role of the Reverend Iris in an episode of The Vicar of Dibley, plans to set an example by taking a 12 month break from acting.
A sorcerer close to Watson said:
“Emma feels the same passion for acting that a lot of people harbour for masturbation. Giving up stage and screen for a year is a great sacrifice on her part and shows how serious she is about changing what gets us off sexually.”
The activities that appear on the UN shortlist of what has been termed 'Pornography Plus' range from shadow puppetry, to rope craft, to making seashell collages.
A press release from the UN said:
“We are producing a range of anthropomorphic bone china cat ornaments, dressed up as a variety of different professionals, such as firefighter, doctor, and I.T support worker. When you successfully resist the urge to view pornography you can reward yourself by going out and purchasing one of these charming statuettes. We can see you building up quite a collection!”
Reformed porn connoisseur, Kevin Forbes, recently took advantage of the Watson challenge, exchanging a life of feckless, unfettered wanking for the cloistered hobby of brass rubbing. He told MODE 5:
“These days when I rub one out, what I am actually doing is laying down a long sheet of paper on the cold floor of a church vestry, and giving a two-dimensional likeness of St Marjorie of Bath a good going-over with a metallic crayon.”
Regarding the brass of St Marjorie, Forbes added:
“You can tell from the folds of her robe that she must have had a really hot body. Before they put her eyes out and burned her at the stake, I mean. I would love to have consensual sexual intercourse with her, in the missionary position, for the sole purpose of procreation.”
Others who have renounced pornography have found an alternative release in spirited supersoaker water fights or obsessive cello playing.
“My music teacher is amazed by how quickly I have progressed with the instrument,” says former self-confessed 'four hours a day girl' Jackie Roche.
Stay at home mum, Hannah Burrell, told MODE 5:
“Emma Watson is brilliant. I have filled the void left in my life by the removal of anything remotely pornographic, by sitting on top of the washing machine during the spin cycle, and embroidering the names of the twelve disciples of Jesus onto handkerchiefs that I sell to the local Christian bookshop.
“While I am doing this I like to imagine one of them taking me roughly from behind and maybe pulling my hair a little, while Jesus watches us doing it.”
As part of Watson's arousal reform program, the UN will issue everyone in the European Union over the age of 12 with a temperance quilt that is designed to smother any carnal desires, and which can double as a portable safe space if pulled over the head.
A spokesperson for the UN said: “From a young age children will be strongly encouraged to keep their legs crossed and their hands outside the quilt at all times.”
The proposed UN measures have drawn both support and condemnation. Human Resources Manager, Hilary Wilson, said:
“Pornography is sexist and objectifies women as vessels for sexual pleasure, denigrating them to a pair of boobs and a vagina, and frequently re-purposing their other bodily orifices as supplementary pleasure holes. I don't need pictures and video clips to get off. All I need is my five-speed dildo.”
Others, such as unrepentant 18 year old onanist, Jim Cooke, remain unmoved:
“If Emma Watson wants my pornography she can pry it from my cold dead hand and, believe me, I've developed quite a grip. Actually, if she wanted to wrestle me for my porn that would be pretty hot.”
Cooke then excused himself from interview, informing our reporter that he needed some time alone.
MODE 5 approached Feminist Frequency autocrat, Anita Sarkeesian, for comment, but was told that she was indisposed, attempting to catch a glimpse of Batmans' arse in the recently-released Arkham City videogame.
“It's become an obsession for her, like proving the existence of the Loch Ness Monster,” said a spokesperson.