Tuesday, 21 October 2014

Scientists: “Internet Aristocrat's dick is probably 120 million years old”

Internet Aristocrat's dick is likely to be over 120 million years old and probably evolved from “some kind of really based dinosaur” according to the results of a study carried out by one of South Central L.A.'s most notorious science gangs.

Speaking from the Grove Street Academy of Science, Compton, Project Leader - Dr Simon Stone said:

Usually when we want to know how old something is we take a cross-section of it and then ask one of our undergraduates to count the rings.

When dating living subjects we have found that the best method is to place a large birthday cake in front of them and then count the number of candles they blow out. In the case of Internet Aristocrat's dick that number exceeded 120 million candles, with a margin of error of 13,000. Today I am pleased to announce that the results of our experiment have been replicated by teams of scientists in Berlin and Rome.

Do I think that Internet Aristocrat's dick is, to all intents and purposes, a god? – As a man of science I could not answer that.”

If the findings of the Compton Science Crew are correct, then Internet Aristocrat's dick would have been born into a world where it would have regularly battled marauding Tyrannosaurus Rex and packs of Velociraptors.

Having survived the mass extinction that wiped out the dinosaurs the dick went on to take an active role in human history, teaching early man the secret of making fire, and single-handedly constructing Stonehenge.

Speaking from his Youtube channel, TheExcitedHistorian82 said:

There is credible evidence that Internet Aristocrat's dick taught Plato and Aristotle how to moonwalk, and was the vessel that carried the pilgrim fathers to Plymouth, Massachusetts. In 1943 it was wounded in action during an unsuccessful mission to assassinate Hitler. This is a dick that has literally seen everything and done everything. It is the James Bond of dicks.”

He added:

Since the early 1990s there has been a sustained campaign by figures in the media to stop people talking about Internet Aristocrat's dick. I know people who were against this conspiracy of silence but who were threatened with losing their jobs if they broke rank. It is heartening that these dark times are finally behind us and we can once more openly discuss Internet Aristocrat's dick without having to fear for our lives and our livelihoods.”

The awesomeness of Internet Aristocrat's dick was further confirmed by my son, Kyle, who in all other regards continues to be an enormous disappoint to me:

Our class had to visit this art gallery which I thought would suck...” he said when questioned on his recent activities.

...But then I saw this really old oil painting of Internet Aristocrat's dick giving the Queen of Sweden a pearl necklace and now, straight-up Dad, I'm thinking of switching my degree from Media Studies to Art Appreciation.”

Meanwhile, as interest in Internet Aristocrat's dick continues to grow, Dr Simon Stone speculates that we may have only witnessed the barest glimpse of its true power:

In addition to being the oldest living thing, older even than giant tortoises, there is strong corroborating evidence that Internet Aristocrat's dick may very well be infinite Even our most advanced space telescopes can see only a small part of it. We have to allow the possibility that there may literally be no end to this dick.”

Further debate has raged around the shape of the dick with proponents of the infinite dick theory favouring a linear model, while supporters of the 'large but ultimately finite dick' hypothesis have suggested a variety of shapes, among them a ring, a figure eight, or some kind of 10-dimensional meta-hedron.

It is very humbling to admit that we know far more about the surface of the moon than we do about Internet Aristocrat's dick,” say Dr Stone. “It's the kind of thing that keeps a man awake at night.”

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