Tuesday, 14 October 2014

White Knight imprisons himself in tower. Awaits rescue from Social Justice Warriors

Self-proclaimed white knight - Graham Poole – will attempt to undermine decades of fictionalised sexual stereotyping by imprisoning himself inside a 150 foot tall Bavarian tower, surrounded on all sides by miles of dense, tangled woodland.

In an emailed statement, prefaced by a gif file from the Harry Potter films depicting an owl delivering the mail, Poole said:

“For as far back as anyone can remember it has been the meek and helpless damsel who is spirited away by malevolent forces and sequestered behind the curved walls of a high tower where she helplessly awaits rescue at the hands of a handsome prince. Today I am proud to be taking the first step towards righting this historical gender imbalance. Sometimes it is the prince who needs to be rescued while the rescuers themselves may be strong, independent women like my friends Jessica, Andrea, and Diane.”

When asked to elaborate on his plans for escape Poole replied:

“I envisage growing my neck beard grow until it is of a sufficient length to reach the base of the tower. This can be used as a rope that will enable my rescuer or rescuers to scale the sheer walls of my prison and enter through the window. I assume that they will have brought with them the key that will unlock the door to my cell, after which we can all exit via the spiral staircase. Once I am free we will rejoin the narrative of the traditional fairy tale and all live happily ever after.”

Response to Graham's internment has drawn mixed reactions from his cohorts in the social justice movement.

“Graham often turns up at our meetings,” says Jessica Murch. “He sits near the front, nods his head respectfully and is rightly filled with guilt and shame for the privileged position that he unwittingly occupies in our broken patriarchal society. It's heartening that there are at least a few men out there who are ready to accept full responsibility for the actions of their white male ancestors.”

When asked whether any attempt would be made to rescue Poole, Murch responded:

“Rescuing Graham from a Bavarian tower is not a trope that I am prepared to engage with at this time.”

Fellow Social Justice Warrior and former confident of Poole, Angela Hatley, added:

“Graham needs to shut up and realise that, as a white CIS male, his opinions on towers fall very low on the social justice agenda. I once had a friend who had to flee the tower where she had been imprisoned after she received death threats on social media.”

Diane Carrett, who receives $50 a month from Poole via a Patreon account, agrees:

“Graham definitely needs to check his tower privilege. Some of us can barely afford the rent on a 2500 square foot apartment in TriBeCa with the the money that our parents give us.”

Moritz Reinberg a world-renowned expert on towers said: “Bavarian towers are among the hardest to escape from. Graham should mentally prepare himself for a lengthy period of captivity.”

At the time of writing Poole remains upbeat, claiming that years of basement dwelling and limited social interaction have prepared him for a prolonged incarceration in an enclosed space:

“I'm keeping busy. I've put over 100 hours into Depression Quest so far and it feels like I've barely scratched the surface of the game. I remain stalwart in my belief that the tight-knit social justice circle to whom I have pledged my loyalty will rescue me soon.”

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